I had the same problem a few years ago and what brought me some peace was that it actually doesn’t matter all that much as long as you have healthy, reciprocal relationships and are understanding of yourself.
After an experience dating a man (which had been my first time dating) I doubted myself a lot, questioned whether I was lesbian, and began to doubt that I could even be comfortable with affection and intimacy with a man. Time went on and I accepted my attraction to women and freeing myself from judgment helped me realise that I was attracted to men as well and I was letting my own anxiety and then a bad experience from trying to force chemistry get in the way. I love the term bisexual now - I tend to find that I’m attracted to people regardless of gender or sex, and that even this didn’t have to be set in concrete. This term also doesn’t have to mean equal attraction to men and women, it’s more about how you relate to yourself - and isn’t something you need to broadcast if you don’t want to or aren’t ready to share with others.
Doubting that my questions about sexuality were ‘real’ came more from self-doubt and internalised homophobia. I agree about the compulsory heterosexuality essay btw, good read!
I’m now in a relationship with a man again (after swearing off them for a while) and it’s been an entirely different experience - I love his affection and our time together even though three years ago at the back end of my first ever relationship I’d been quite upset at the prospect. It also doesn’t negate my attraction to women. I regret letting that first relationship go so far as to include intimacy when I knew I wasn’t attracted to him, honestly it was unfair for him, if that helps at all. The best advice I have right now is to only pursue relationships where there is chemistry on both parts, and you may find this to be with anyone of any gender - this is a good thing, even if it doesn’t really offer clarity. As long as you’re being honest with yourself, a name for your sexuality doesn’t have to mean all that much in my opinion, and if it’s important to you to know just bear in mind that it won’t come immediately, learning is a curve, especially with the first time dating which raises more questions than it answers for almost everyone.
And whatever conclusion you draw doesn’t reflect on your worth, nor do your doubts or lack of attraction to a person you feel you should be attracted to. Best of luck 🙂
