Unsure about new friend

_emily_ · ‎13-01-2022

Hey everyone,

i made this new female friend while I was at my workplace back in October. It’s really difficult for me to make new friends normally, but we became close very quickly. She’s super friendly, caring, we hang out all the time and she always goes out of her way to do things for me. So out of the blue one day she tells me this female friend of hers might like her as more than a friend. I’m like to her that’s cute if you like her why don’t you go on a date. My friend tells me she has a boyfriend that she finds this friend ugly, said she was disgusted and that she’s not a lesbian or part of the lgbtq group. She also said she would stop being friends with any girl who likes her, but if a guy liked her she would be fine with it. Btw her friend made no indication of liking her as more than a friend and it sounded like my friend made these things up. Her friend just said stuff like she misses her and had extra heart emoticons but somehow that made my friend think she had feelings towards her. Weirdly enough in the middle of the conversation she asks me what if I liked her but I didn’t say anything. After she said all these things about her friend I’m a bit worried about my friendship with her considering I’m not straight, but she doesn’t know that. I just don’t understand why she would tell me this and what should I do about the friendship?

white knight · ‎14-01-2022

Hi, welcome

You and your friends relationship is no different than any other. In all friendships there is boundaries that must be met over time, sometimes these boundaries are tested by one party to ascertain those boundaries. In this case your friend appears to be testing the boundaries to find out your feelings for her beyond just being friends.

That's all ok, no harm done, however, you certainly should tactfully inform her of your sexual orientation and reassure her that you dont mind her being LGBTIQ etc. Also wish her the best in finding a suitable partner. Your friend, if it turns out she isnt straight can continue to be a great friend.

Remember, it isnt personal, it is quite normal to seek out if someone is interested in something other than friendship. It is also ok to let them down gently and continue to be friends.

TonyWK

missep123 · ‎14-01-2022

Hi Emily!

From my own experience as well it is so tough when you find something out about a friend that makes you get a gut instinct like 'hmmmm'. Personally from what I have learnt, I think it's really important for friends to be able to accept you for who you are. For a lot of us our sexuality is part of who we are. When I have had situations like these where I find something out about a friend that makes me hesitant, I usually tend to still stay friends with them but cautiously. I'm careful of telling secrets or things like that which I would otherwise tell to a closer friend.

From what I have heard from people who have reactions like your friend, sometimes it can actually be a sign of repressed confusion with their own sexual identity. Or on the other hand it can reflect the views they were raised with during childhood. Ultimately your friend's reaction is more likely to be a reflection of herself than you or her other friend.

I really hope this helps but we are here for you!!!

_emily_ · ‎14-01-2022

Hi white knight, thank you for the reply. My friend is already in a relationship with a guy, however it’s long distance. So I was wondering if she asked me if I liked her because she is interested or if she just wants to know how I feel about her so she can reject me. Tbh I wasn’t ready to disclose my own feelings about her because she is in a relationship with someone, is straight and I’m also unsure about my own feelings towards her. I was also in the process of figuring out my own sexuality and already coming out to close friends as bisexual. However I have never discussed my sexuality with her. But those hurtful comments she made about her own close friend who she’s known for two years have definitely made me very fearful about telling her my feelings.

_emily_ · ‎14-01-2022

Hi missep123,

thank you for your reply. I will continue to be friends with her but I won’t tell her anything too personal about myself. I haven’t known her for too long, but maybe one day I might discuss my sexuality with her when I’m ready and when she’s more accepting of lgbtq+.

missep123 · ‎16-01-2022

Hi Emily,

That sounds like a good plan to me! Sometimes it takes a while to truly know someone. In the meantime we are definitely here for you to talk to and be a sounding board!

Earth Girl · ‎15-02-2022

It sounds like your friend isn't very accepting of the LGBQTI and also thinks a bit too much into things and that the girl she was talking about doesn't really like her in that way. If you open up to her and tell her about your orientation, she will likely just assume that you like her like that even though you don't like she did with that other girl. I'm a predominitantly straight girl and I have had lots of other girls think that I liked them even though I had absolutely no interest in most of them, they just read way too much into things.

It also sounds like your friend thinks anyone who is being "too friendly" with her likes her so I would just be careful because this could actually get a bit messy. I know there are lots of people out there who are a bit homophobic, but this girl had no reason to think that other girl liked her in that way just because she told her that she misses her with hearts - that's a pretty normal thing to do.

I wouldn't let her know about your orientation for at least a while. Just see how things go. She may become more accepting about this sort of thing, but she may also not and if she doesn't I'm not even completely sure if it would be a super good idea to stay friends with her because she may turn into more of a bully than a friend.

I'm also really shy and have trouble making friends that I click with, but you don't want to put yourself in an unsafe or uncomfortable situation. The fact that she even asked you if you liked her when you gave her no reason to think that either is also a bit strange. For her to need to make sure that no other girls like her all the time makes it seem like she has a big issue with people being lesbians for some reason.