Female in a hetero marriage, asexual and in love with same sex friend

[SH-2600]

I need to talk and get this all out of my head. I have been in a hetero relationship for 29 years and have known nothing else. I loved my husband but have never been in love. I have always thought of myself as being close to asexual, but strongly felt that this was something I needed to fix, that “normal” people want to have sex. I require a close intimate emotional connection to even consider physical/sexual intimacy. My husband and I have always managed this quite well, and although our relationship is not as conventional as some, we definitely had a good close partnership up until the last 2-3 years. We have 2 children in their late teens. This year, things seem to have shifted a lot. We have drifted from each other a bit and our friendship that underpinned our relationship has started to erode. He is struggling with work, life, sense of purpose and says he is unhappy and lonely. Adding to this, I am now questioning my sexual identity again. There is a woman who is the only woman I have ever had romantic thoughts about. She has been in and out of my life over the years, for a range of reasons to do with both of us, mental health issues, distance, readiness for emotional intimacy etc. this year however, after the death of a very close friend of mine, she has come back into my life and we have grown incredibly close. We saw each other recently for the first time in 6 years. We are both now ready for an emotionally intimate friendship and we spent 3 days together talking and getting closer. I am in love with her. She loves me very deeply but it is entirely platonic from her perspective. She is married to a man who has taken a significant amount of her mental health from her and from her kids, but she loves him and will never leave him. She seems to have flicked a switch in me and I know for sure that I want to be with her, but that is not something that will ever happen. I also have my primary relationship with my husband that is falling apart. I am feeling overwhelmed since coming home from the time with my friend, everything is so pale in comparison to being with her. Rightly though, she has switched her focus back to her life, and I am finding that incredibly difficult. I am also wondering if this year is a year for any big decisions because it has been a shocker on all levels. I am afraid to run from the life that my husband and I have built and I am afraid of continuing to deny myself and who I am. I am struggling. SH

[SH-2600]

You are so bloody tough, Timshel. There are so many times when you have had to just pick yourself up, and keep fighting, through the pain and fear and the unknown. You have worked so hard for your mental health. My heart breaks for you and the pain you have felt, but I also feel like you are one of the bravest people I know. I seriously just want to get hold of you and embrace you. I also just want to sit with you a while, well maybe a long while!

It is a travesty of our health system that you went 6 months without a PND diagnosis. That just shocks me, actually. I am grateful for that psychiatrist. Putting yourself into the hands of an expert is exercising your own power, not giving it away. It takes guts to do it too. But finding someone who absolutely works hard for you and is totally in your corner is rare, I think. We were lucky, you found it with your psychiatrist and I found it with my psychologist.

You are so right about the brain and our mind. It is like the last real frontier of science, it’s function and dysfunction. We learn so much about it each year and still have so much more to learn. The problem is that our lives have changed so much in a very short space of time (in terms of evolution), that our poor brains haven’t had time to catch up. It creates dis-ease, to use the term you have used a couple of times before.

The urge to fight and survive and not give up is strong, it keeps us going. Sometimes, where we get to is enough. It isn’t perfect, but it is enough. I certainly feel that too. And now here we are.

S

[Timshel]

Sorry, I missed your last post.

I am making an effort to ‘hop to it’ like you said, reveal more about myself, let you in so to speak. But it’s draining on these forums. I agree we still have so much more to learn about each other. It’s just going to take time. It’s frustrating and but I guess we just have to be patient with each other. In the meantime, let’s enjoy the journey and have a laugh, at each other’s expense of course!! Which brings me to my brain fade moment. I can’t emphasise enough the fact that I was totally shattered having spent over 6 hours standing in the freezing rain. Everything below my hairline was numb!

I meant to ask you, should I refer to you as S now? Does that indicate a subtle change in our relationship status? Now that we are planning to spend our senile years ‘bunking’ together? With pants being optional!

I would say you can now call me Tim, but that would get very confusing..eh Tim? So just refer to me as Your Royal Highness from now on. It’s a title I reserve for those within my inner circle. I know, I know, I get it, you don’t feel worthy, at least not yet. And under normal circumstances I’d have to agree. But these are not normal circumstances. They are certainly the oddest circumstances I have ever found myself in. So what the hell, I’m prepared to throw caution to the wind if your are! Your Royal Highness it is then!

Talking about throwing things. If I were to throw a rock over a wall and it did manage to hit you and you got concussion, would that really be a bad thing? I mean, if we timed it right, I could knock you out cold for the night and you’d have the best night’s sleep ever!

On a serious note, I’m glad you had such a productive and honest talk with your husband. At least now you have a bit of a road map for the next couple of years. That should give you time to really work on rebuilding your friendship whilst at the same time figuring out what both of you really needs/wants in order to be happy going forward. I understand that your husband feels his needs aren’t being met and I also get why he no longer wants to put those needs aside. And with your shape shifting and your guts falling out and your head shrinking or whatever it was you said, it seems you have now actually turned into a troll and well, who knows what a troll needs?!

The question now is whether your relationship can be renegotiated and rebuilt in such a way that allows for both your needs to be met at the same time going forward.

HRH, over and out!

[Timshel]

Dammit I did the same thing again....posted without looking and missed your last post! I’m all out of sync. with you. I’ve been up and about since quite early this morning so I thought I’d get in quickly and address your last post before you had the chance to post another one .... and whilst the house is quiet and peaceful.

Firstly, I am no tougher or braver than you or anyone else. In fact there are many far tougher and braver than me. It’s just that when you find yourself in a tough position in life you really only have 2 choices, you either keep going or you don’t. And don’t think I wasn’t tempted many times to choose the latter option. That things were way too hard for me to handle. I can totally relate to those poor souls who do go down that path. Who have no fight left in them, who feel totally worn out and broken beyond repair. Who genuinely believe others would be better off without them. Those for whom the light at the end of the tunnel remains so dim. It breaks my heart.

And, although a I have hated my struggle, just like you, I’m not sure I would be the same person without it. It has taught me a lot about sensitivity, empathy and just being kind to others, especially those who feel broken and neglected. Plato said it best “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle.” .......”down there where the spirit meets the bone” as Miller Williams said. That imagery for me is so vivid and so accurate in the way it describes emotional pain. It grinds away at you, wearing you down, leaving you raw and torn and completely exposed.....

.....And on that cheerful note, I will bid you good day and send you off on your merry way with a spring in your step and a song in your heart!

Seriously S, I hope you managed to get some rest last night and that you have a good day with your little people and they fill your heart with happy moments today. I do believe, like you, that happiness really comes in moments. It is not a constant state of being. I have had many such moments in my life and hopefully there are many more to come. Times when your heart feels so full and life so amazing. Some are grand finale moments when you just want to stand up and applaud. Others are way more subtle, hushed tones that you just happen to tune into for a second before they fade away. But they are no less worthy of applause. All we can hope for is that, during our time on this earth, we get to experience as many of those bright and wonderful moments as possible.

Ciao!

[SH-2600]

Welcome to cocktail hour Your Majesty (insert curtsy)!

You are a ratbag! An Irish woman on the throne does amuse me, but you need to know I am no royalist! I will subvert the dominant paradigm given half a chance!

Anyway, tonight’s beverage is a nice pale ale, my shout!

I know I said I am impatient but please don’t feel any pressure to answer any questions or in any timeframe. As I said before, we have time. Plenty of it hopefully. I like the banter and ridiculousness too.

Honestly though, I sometimes find it hard on here. Finding such a connection with someone is rare and I am at an age where those connections are more important to me, I want to act on them and nurture them. But I feel so restricted and constricted. We are unable make choices that we might take in other circumstances to nurture the friendship. That frustrates me, along with the character limit and no swearing. Although having said that, of course I would be happy to hang out on here until the nursing home if that was what you wanted, assuming that is even allowed.

S is my actual first initial and it is how I often sign off with friends IRL (see I am up with the young people!). I guess I wanted you to realise you had my name. SH is still fine as it is also me. I wasn’t being very original when I thought up my forum name.

I am so damn tired that a concussion would be welcome right about now. I did take a tiny dose of an over the counter sleep aid earlier this week and was so groggy and drowsy the next day I couldn’t function. So I might do that tonight and just sleep until lunchtime tomorrow. I do have a regular walking then coffee date with a friend in the afternoon though, so I need to be able to string a few words together!

I will come back later with some more.

S

[SH-2600]

HRH Queen Timshel, (have I got that right?)

The more I think about it, an Irish Australian woman having resided in France on the British throne is quite subversive in itself. Perhaps I will allow it. Or is it even the British throne, have you gone and conquered a different kingdom (queendom)?

Regarding my marriage..The next couple of years seems such a long time when I say it now. It does depend on what happens in the next couple of months though. If we can’t get to a place where enough of our needs are being met then that time period will look different. It is as much about the kids as it is about us, though. Who knows what is ahead.

What do trolls need, do you think? I know this one needs to not fall in love with a straight woman again, that is for sure. But what else?

Speaking of straight women, N and I also had some good text conversations this week. It is the best it has been since I had my big cry! And it is actually feeling easier for me too. I feel like I can do it now without falling hopelessly back into her everytime she tells me she loves me, or reminds me how damn lovely she is, and then having to dig myself back out again, starting from scratch each time! I still feel what I feel, but it is easier.

I will leave you with an anecdote from my day on Thursday. We were looking at character development in my class and were talking about how you can describe how a character looks but you can also write about their actions and feelings to show what they are like on the inside. One of the boys in my class asked what I meant by “on the inside” so I explained (again). Here is the rest of the conversation:
Boy 1: “oh yeah I get it, you mean testicles.”
Me: umm, that is not quite what I mean.
Boy 2: testicles are a boys private parts
Me: yes they are, but I don’t think that is what boy 1 meant.
Boy 3: well they aren’t exactly the private part, they are what sit just below a boy’s private part
Me: well yes true, although they are all private parts, but again I don’t think boy 1 was actually meaning testicles, I think he was saying something else and got words mixed up.
Boy 2: Boy 1, did you mean testicles? Because only boys have them, what if the character is a girl.
Girl 1: My Dad has testicles.
Me: ok, let’s stop talking about testicles for a moment so we can work out what boy 1 is thinking.
It is so hard to keep a straight face! As it turned out he meant intestines, which was still nothing like what I meant! My days are filled with these gems.

S

[smallwolf]

Hello to both of you. Passing comments...

@Timshel - Yes it would get confusing if you decided to shorten you name to Tim 🙂 I still read the posts here you know.

@SH - your story brought a smile to my face. Am curious to hear your thoughts about love. Can you love more than one person at the same time?

@both - I am not going to comment on any faith related matters except to say that I have read a couple of book written by people who have a faith and have depression - it was more form of validation vs the expected response of . Mental health is similar to physical health (broadly speaking) and has little or nothing to do with faith.

You also realise we are in Sept! Time flies quite quickly. Two year might seem a while. And real change takes time to work. As an aside, an this is a re-interpretation of what my psychologist said to me once but would be concerned if things were fixed very quickly.

(unsigned) - in case it causes confusion

[SH-2600]

Hey Tim,
Nice to hear from you again. I have been thinking about your question about love. I am not sure I have any insights for you. Putting aside love for your kids and parents and other family, I think you can love a range of people in a range of ways at the same time. I love my husband in ways we have discussed. I love him in the context of loving my immediate family. I love N, I still love E even though she is gone, but I maybe love them all in different ways. I don't know. Love is a bit inexplicable I think.
I don't think faith protects people from mental illness. The causes are physiological and have a basis in brain dysfunction, even the types like mine caused by trauma. As a person without faith I can't speak for people with it. But observing and knowing people with a lot of faith, E for example, I think there is comfort and maybe a sense of certainty provided by their faith when faced with all kinds of struggles.
You are right about real change taking time, Tim. I am not sure yet, whether I am looking to fix my marriage or to end it well, if that makes sense. But either outcome will take time.
S

[Timshel]

My dearest S,

It is with the heaviest of hearts that I address you tonight for the last time as your Queen. As of midnight tonight, the 5th day of the 9th month of the year 2020, I will discharge the last of my duties as your Monarch and formally denounce the throne of this wonderful Queendom it has been my honour to serve for the last few days.

This has not been a decision I have taken lightly. I have spent many a sleepless minute pondering the situation and have reached the conclusion that, in all honesty, I simply could not be bleeeeeeeeeeeeped!! You, my dear S, are my one and only subject and you cannot curtsy to save your life! One is not amused!

And so, from this moment on, it is my intention to return to my former civilian life and to seek not to be the Queen of this Queendom, but rather the Queen of peoples’ hearts (or as it is known in Royal circles “Doing the Di”).

Thank you and God Bless.

God Bless this Queendom and long live any future idiot who wants the job!

Yours,

(Not Queen) Timshel

P.S. I once slept in the same bed as the Queen Mother. Full stop.

[Timshel]

Hi S,

I’m back. I’m my old self again.

I wanted to say that I totally understand your feelings of frustration and how restrictive this forum can be when it comes to nurturing a relationship. I feel just as frustrated as you and for all the same reasons. But what can you do?!

There are so many things I would like to tell you and discuss with you in more depth but the character limit prohibits it. So in drips and drabs it must be, at least for now!

How was your sleep last night? Did you sleep until lunchtime as hoped? Did you manage to keep a conversation going with your friend?

I am glad you and N are getting back on track. You seem to be thinking far more clearly than when you first appeared on the forum. And you also seem lighter somehow, a little bit more confident in your decision making and the steps you need to take moving forward. We will talk more about this.

I absolutely loved your school story. Your class are so lucky to have a teacher like you. So lucky! And you are equally blessed to have those little people in your life.

Talk soon. Big massive hug.

Timshel

[SH-2600]

My dear Timshel (aka, the woman formerly known as HRH, Queen of the Queendom),

I am glad to have you back, although I had been practising my curtsy just for you. I admit to being quite rubbish at them (it’s my dodgy knees combined with my feminist ideals, mixed with a little bit anti-establishment), so I understand my role in your decision to abdicate and “do the Di”. Whilst you made an excellent Queen, truth be told I would have eventually participated in, or perhaps instigated, the revolution! I am wondering what you were doing sharing a bed with the Queen Mother though. I know, I know, that isn’t what you meant, but that is how I chose to interpret it!

You have become one of my absolute favourite people on this Earth, Timshel. You are often in my thoughts as I go about my day. I don't feel like we are entirely the author's of our own story on here and I really struggle with that. As we go down this path together, you will see that difficulty accepting a status quo is one of my strengths and one of my flaws. I like having control and responsibility around my choices. In my offline life, I am the author of that story. Here, it is different. But, we will absolutely continue to grow our friendship through the drip filter of the forum, because as you say what else can we do? You know, I will keep working on tuning you in to my telepathy so you can land that rock when you peg it over the fence. Almost there!!??

My sleep is slowly edging towards normal. Still broken, and still not enough, but getting better. I didn’t end up taking anything Friday night, or last night. I managed to maintain a conversation with my friend yesterday, although I was not at my best! Thankfully, she is a good friend so any silences are comfortable, and vagueness accepted.

I do feel like I am lighter, (could be delirium??), and a bit more in control. Taking things slowly, not jumping into those big decisions feels right and it is giving me the space to breathe. You and Tim have also had a lot to do with that.

I get the sense that you are also coming to an easier place in your mind compared to when you joined the forum. Were you able to get a Relationships Aust appointment? Have you been able to have any more conversations with M?

Yours
S