Female in a hetero marriage, asexual and in love with same sex friend

SH-2600 · ‎18-07-2020

I need to talk and get this all out of my head. I have been in a hetero relationship for 29 years and have known nothing else. I loved my husband but have never been in love. I have always thought of myself as being close to asexual, but strongly felt that this was something I needed to fix, that “normal” people want to have sex. I require a close intimate emotional connection to even consider physical/sexual intimacy. My husband and I have always managed this quite well, and although our relationship is not as conventional as some, we definitely had a good close partnership up until the last 2-3 years. We have 2 children in their late teens. This year, things seem to have shifted a lot. We have drifted from each other a bit and our friendship that underpinned our relationship has started to erode. He is struggling with work, life, sense of purpose and says he is unhappy and lonely. Adding to this, I am now questioning my sexual identity again. There is a woman who is the only woman I have ever had romantic thoughts about. She has been in and out of my life over the years, for a range of reasons to do with both of us, mental health issues, distance, readiness for emotional intimacy etc. this year however, after the death of a very close friend of mine, she has come back into my life and we have grown incredibly close. We saw each other recently for the first time in 6 years. We are both now ready for an emotionally intimate friendship and we spent 3 days together talking and getting closer. I am in love with her. She loves me very deeply but it is entirely platonic from her perspective. She is married to a man who has taken a significant amount of her mental health from her and from her kids, but she loves him and will never leave him. She seems to have flicked a switch in me and I know for sure that I want to be with her, but that is not something that will ever happen. I also have my primary relationship with my husband that is falling apart. I am feeling overwhelmed since coming home from the time with my friend, everything is so pale in comparison to being with her. Rightly though, she has switched her focus back to her life, and I am finding that incredibly difficult. I am also wondering if this year is a year for any big decisions because it has been a shocker on all levels. I am afraid to run from the life that my husband and I have built and I am afraid of continuing to deny myself and who I am. I am struggling. SH

smallwolf · ‎31-08-2020

Hey Timshel - noticed in one of your posts you mentioned not wanting to push a boulder up all hill. What would that look like in real life?

@SH - you wear pants? ...go back through your posts 🙂

SH-2600 · ‎31-08-2020

Timshel, I love the way you care for me. I do for you too.

A vivid life! I want that. Is this what you want for yourself too? A life with colour and passion? Are you there yet?

Happiness is a difficult construct I think. Or maybe it is just the pursuit of it that I have trouble with. I think chasing it as an end goal is fruitless. I don’t mean that in a bleak way. Life is too full of twists and turns and compromises, difficulties and challenges to say that happiness can be an attainable end point. I don’t think that you can reach a point across all spheres of your life where everything is perfectly lined up and you then sit back and go “right, I’m here, this is happiness, I am done”. something will get in the way, or there will always be the next something that will surely make you happier. I think happiness is in finding meaning, standing still sometimes, being grateful, kind and open, feeling connected (to people and places), service, significance and loving and being loved well. This is where the colour is for me.

That poem hit me in my guts. But it also helped me going in to my conversation with my husband. I am not brave Timshel, my fear has always lived with me, to some degree or other. I will, and have in the past, taken stands, for others, for causes too. Justice and social justice are things I care about. But, decisions for me personally have always been about safety and more so as I have gotten older. I want to be a braver.

I want it to be easy too!! For you and for me!

I want you to understand my head too. See if you can find that story I mentioned. I don’t want to write the author's name here as it isn’t a common name, and they aren’t exactly a famous Australian author. They may not want to be stuck in this thread for eternity! But I would love it if you looked it up, get the author details and it should lead you to a better understanding of me and my head, if you want to of course.

You do know that I am looking for a tattoo buddy so I can get my second tattoo...I am not going back in there alone!! Seriously though, will you get the tattoo do you think?

As I said, I had a good conversation with my husband today. We have given ourselves some time and mapped out a plan. It sets us up a little better for staying together or separating, depending on where we get to over the next little while. We will make that final decision as we get there. I will give you more detail in another post.

SH-2600 · ‎01-09-2020

Tim, nice to see you back. I sure hope you have recovered from the ridiculous nursing home banter, or at least got a laugh. You will never be able to unsee those images we put in your head! I haven’t hit the age yet where pants become optional, so we are all safe, I promise.

I promised a bit more about the counsellor-free counselling session I had with my husband yesterday. Neither of us are ready to say its over, but I do suspect that is where we might end up. We talked about what some of our non-negotiables might be and the need for getting these clear for ourselves and then for each other (thank you Timshel). He said that he was worried that our needs were in conflict and didn’t know what we do about that. Either do I. He no longer wants to put his needs aside, which is absolutely fair enough, and I do feel guilty about this, and responsible. I said I didn’t know how to change that, how to be different with him. I said that I am different with the important women in my life, loving, demonstrative, emotionally and even physically intimate (as in hugging, well pre covid anyway) etc. I explained that N had changed me, as had E. They had opened me up, peeled things back so to speak, but that in my relationship with him I was stuck in an older version of me and I didn’t know how to change that. We talked about our fears around separation, the kids, financial concerns, loss of lifestyle (we are both part time), even losing the house we both love (and put a lot of work into). Our kids both love the secure, stable, nuclear family we have and talk a lot about how lucky they feel compared to many of their friends.

Anyway our path forward includes no decision, but a focus on preparation for the next year or two that will stand us in good stead whether we split or stay together. It will also get us to a point where the kids are at uni and moving into their own lives. We need to make it better in our relationship in the meantime, so in the very short term we have agreed to think about and list our needs, and continue to get back to some level of emotional intimacy. We have agreed to talk more, and more deeply and will continue to use the Monday time to do that more formally. A bit longer term I will pick up an extra day at work from next year, I had already raised this idea partly because I need to be able to do it if we split anyway, and it will help to get us get in a financial position that will be better, no matter where our relationship goes.

Timshel · ‎01-09-2020

SH, I’ve read it. I know you. I understand you. I’ve got you. I would want to be in that cell with you when things go dark, when the walls close in, when the stench rises. I would try to protect you. Put myself between you and that bloody mongrel that comes to taunt you. Hold you, hide your face against my neck until he retreats. Battered, bruised, defeated. I hate that bloody mongrel and I hate the fear he has instilled in you. And I understand that fear. I can even relate to that fear. I have felt such fear. My fear is of the anaconda that edges his way towards me, slowly enough for me to see him coming but too quickly for me to escape. Upon reaching me, he starts to wrap himself around every part of my body, constricting my breathing, encircling my neck, my face, my mouth, my nose, my eyes. I can’t call out. I start to loose sight of the outside world. Loose my ability to reach out and touch it, be part of it. I am a prisoner. A prisoner without chains. A prisoner of that giant anaconda. But here’s the rub.That anaconda...is me! He is my own brain, my own mind that baits me, snares me, traps me, forces me to perform ineffable, senseless rituals which have no end, only new beginnings. This is the same brain that has helped me understand the world around me, nurtured my intellect, kept my memories safe, held my emotions, taught me what love is. And now it seeks to destroy me. Why? I may never know. All I do know to do is wait. Hang on. As Franklin D. Roosevelt once said “When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.”

SH, you have been fighting a battle. A war. An endless bloody war. An avoidable war. A war you didn’t ask for. A war you didn’t start. And this war won’t end with negotiations, a peace treaty or even retribution. So how do you find some peace? I think you already know. You touched on it in one of your recent posts. You seek to find an explanation for why those men saw you as fair game. An EXPLANATION not an EXCUSE. An understanding. For lasting peace can only really be attained through understanding. You referred to the family that took a very dark secret to their grave. A secret capable of creating a monster(s). For monsters are created, not born. And the ‘enablers’. Those who couldn’t/wouldn’t speak up for whatever reason. Those in society who were too afraid to stir the pot. Do you understand them too?

‘Society is like a stew. If you don’t stir it up every once in a while, then a layer of scum floats to the top.’ E. Abbey

SH-2600 · ‎01-09-2020

You are a beautiful and exceptional woman Timshel. I would take you into a battle with me any day. I would also have you with me in the dark room when the fight is gone out of me. I am so fortunate to have found you here, really.

Thank you for reading it. It is fiction but it really is right out of my head when I am at my worst. The anger and self loathing manifests itself into a wretched creature that takes from me, even if it is my own anger and my own voice, it is still a “thing”. I feel it’s presence and I have a physical response to it, like I have been punched in the stomach. I have come a long way, although there are still bad days. There is so much more I want to tell you about me, about that story (and about the author too).

We have too much to learn about each other for the character limits to cope. We definitely need to find that telepathy course, because we haven’t quite got it working yet! I have a lot to say about enablers too. I will hold it all for another post!

Reading your description of the anaconda helps me to understand, but it also makes my chest tight and full of emotion. I want to hold on to you and peel it off you so you can see and breathe. My fight is a battle, a push and shove and a scream, yours is so much harder because it is a delicate operation, it requires precision, because your anaconda is you, your beautiful mind. Your battle is inexplicable, mine is a simple response to something tangible, blameable. I wish I could express how much I want to free you from that, take it all from you to give you rest and strength. I want you to understand that you are not alone, that I am with you. I only know how to kick and punch but give me a bloody scalpel and I will learn to wield it (delicately) for you.

I would like to know, at some point, when/if you want to, what a good day looks like for you and a bad day.

yours

S

Timshel · ‎01-09-2020

Hey again,

Sorry, I meant to get back on here sooner but I just needed to go for a walk and clear my head. I also heard that some woman was causing a bit of a ruckus at an intersection not far from here and I went to have a look. Apparently she was standing in the middle of the road with a sign that read ‘Timshel? Is that you?’ She was also screaming it at the top of her lungs, terrifying all the kids in the area. By the time I arrived she had gone. She’d probably been sectioned or something. Poor thing. It breaks your heart doesn’t it? You know, if I were to throw a stone over a wall from here, I reckon I could hit you. So watch out!

Seriously though SH. I just can’t stop thinking about you. I hate how what happened to you has impacted your whole life. If you ever feel like telling me more, I am here to listen. I just feel so useless. I hope others in your ‘real’ life take good care of you when things come unstuck.

I understand why you look for safety in your life. Who wouldn’t? I know I would. But that doesn’t mean you aren’t brave. Not by a long shot. You are beyond brave and I have nothing but respect and admiration for the woman you are and the life you have made for yourself.

Is forgiveness something you can do, as a gift to yourself I mean? Maybe as a way of letting go. Telling yourself that those men were damaged, broken people with no self-worth, no dignity, no values. They felt they had been dealt a raw deal in life so they felt entitled to compensate themselves in their own twisted way. Deny themselves nothing. Take whatever they desired. And they knew they would be protected. I’m sorry, I am probably saying all the wrong things.

Paedophilia may well be an affliction, but acting on it is a decision. Whatever happened was 1000% on them. They may have ‘tricked’ you into thinking you were complicit in some way with their words, their actions and your reactions. But you were in no way responsible for what happened. You do know that. This was never your burden to bear. In the absence of justice, I hope those men passed away with that burden on their conscience.

I heard a quote by Ghandi once about justice. I think Nelson Mandela used it in a speech or an interview he gave. He was referring to the choice he made to forgive his South African jailers and the various factors that played into that decision. Something like that anyway.

”There is a higher court than courts of justice and that is the court of conscience. It supersedes all other courts.”

SH-2600 · ‎02-09-2020

Hey, that was me on the corner! If only you had made it in time. You are definitely close enough to hit me when you throw that stone over the fence. Maybe just swap it for something softer though, I don’t want concussion!

I hope your head is clearer today. I hope it was a good day.

You know, I am ok. Most people have battles at some point in their life, sometimes their battle is always with them. Sometimes bad crap just happens to good people. I have honestly come to terms with it all, and the actual events carry little impact or emotion for me these days. The effects of long term PTSD are still there, but I can mostly recognise them now for what they are, and just manage them and get on with it. I am a pragmatist, Timshel. Plus it sounds weird but there are some positives. I think I have come to be a better person. A PTSD brain is not all bad either, especially once you have control of it. I am a good observer, I pick up on small shifts in my environment, in people. My superpower! Although I don’t always get the reason behind the change right!

Besides, it is not all of who I am. There are so many other good and bad experiences that make me who I am. There are a couple of people in my real life who get it and take care of me when I really need it, but for the most part I manage it all in my head. I love that you want to know and understand.

Forgiveness is another construct I have difficulty with. It feels so loaded with the stuff I don’t believe in. What I can say is that I understand things now for what they are, I no longer hold myself responsible and have mostly washed off the shame. While that story you read dealt with my understanding of how anger and shame attaches itself and turns in on me, it also was accurate in terms of how I feel about justice (criminal justice anyway) being imperfect. The process and the outcome may not have changed anything for me. So rather than forgiveness, I would say I have come to terms. And that is enough! The idea of a higher court of conscience is appealing to me, though.

My last fabulous psychologist said to me in my first session after explaining why I was there, “Well, you're not an addict or a prostitute and you are still with us on this this Earth, well done you!”. I suggested that was a pretty low bar. He said “no, no it isn’t”. I always come back to that. I am doing well and I am ok!

I really hope you have people In real life to hold on to you when the anaconda is squeezing tight.

S

Timshel · ‎02-09-2020

Dammit! I suspected it might be you in the back of that paddy wagon. I tried running after it for a bit, screaming at the top of my lungs “let my roomie go, she’s totally harmless, plus she’s probably not wearing any pants!!!”

Speaking of undies, were we? Anyway! You referred in one of your posts to a ‘distracted’ day you had recently where you went for a walk with your earphones in but no music playing (been there!). Well, I had a real doozie not long ago. One that involved underwear. I’d just spent a long day watching footy in the rain. By the time I got home I was tired, wet and absolutely freezing. So I decided to take a quick shower to freshen up and defrost. I took off upstairs, peeling my wet clothes from my hypothermic body step by step. Inside a minute, I was standing under a nice steady stream of soothing warm water, letting it love me back to life. Bliss! All was right with the world again! It was only when I started to wash myself that something started to feel wrong, really wrong. But I couldn’t work out what. So I just carried on washing myself. But still something felt strange and I just couldn’t put my finger on what it was. Eventually I rinsed myself off, turned off the shower and reached for my towel. And that’s when I realised - oh ooooooooh, okay, I get it! In my haste, I had forgotten to take my underwear off. Not just my undies but also my bra AND my socks!! Yep, one MASSIVE brain fade!

I am so glad you are coping well most of the time these days and that you have reached a point of reckoning with your past. Truly I am. I’m also relieved that there are people around you that can provide you with the comfort and support you need on those days when the ‘thing’ reappears. And you are absolutely right about your traumatic experience and ensuing battles only making up a part of the entire sum of who you are. One magnificent woman! You are not a victim, SH, nor are you merely a survivor. You are a thriver! What happened to you could easily have broken you as I’m sure it has many other unfortunate people. Your psychologist was absolutely right. You took what could have been a pretty low bar for your life and, you didn’t only raise it, you pole vaulted over it! You even managed to reshape your experience and take something positive from it. Allow yourself to feel at least some pride. Please SH. I am proud of you.

Doesn’t mean I’m letting you anywhere near me with a scalpel though.....I’ll still take my chances with the anaconda thanks!

SH-2600 · ‎03-09-2020

What?? You wouldn’t trust me with a scalpel? Luckily I believe that we should all be our own saviours and not hand over our power to someone else to step in to save us or fix us. I will happily hand over the scalpel for you to take on the delicate anaconda operation with precision! I’m happy to be your fierce offsider though, standing with you.

Although your distraction story makes me wonder if you should have any sharp objects in your hands!! I did laugh, you definitely win with that story. You poor love.

I will employ Tim’s full stop strategy here and say thank you for all of the lovely and empowering things you say about me. Full stop.

How have your days been this week?

S

Timshel · ‎03-09-2020

I’ve managed to tame my anaconda somewhat over the years. I’ve undergone every form of treatment you can imagine and just tried to keep learning new ways to help myself. He was at his worst when I was first diagnosed with OCD a few years before my son was born and then again after the birth of my son when I suffered through six months of undiagnosed post natal depression. This, in turn, sent my OCD into overdrive and nothing provided any relief. The psychiatrist I was referred to was completely useless. There are just no words to describe the pain I was in and the fear I felt. My life was dark and joyless. Eventually I was so desperate that I asked to be admitted to hospital. Once there, I was lucky enough to be allocated a fantastic psychiatrist. He instantly diagnosed me with post natal depression and said that once he got that under control the OCD symptoms would start to calm down themselves and return to the more manageable level I had worked so hard to attain after my first diagnosis. He told me, in no uncertain terms, to put my faith in him and he would do good by me. And I did and he did. That beautiful man and his team saved my life. It took 3 months of medication, ECT, intense counselling and God knows what else, but in the end the anaconda started to loosen his grip and I started to reconnect with the world. Now I, like you, am not great at the whole blind faith thing. I like what I believe in to be evidence based. And with mental illness so much is still just trial and error. The brain, or rather the mind inside the brain, is just so complex and, in many ways, still a complete mystery. But I was so lost and out of options. I just had to let go. Let go and hang on at the same time. It wasn’t easy but I got there. I swore when I left that hospital that I would never go into such a place again and I haven’t. Over the years the anaconda has raised his head again and terrified me into thinking he would never leave. But he always does and over time his visits have become shorter and less frequent and I cope better. In fact, in recent years he feels a bit more like a python to be honest. So the fear of being swallowed whole isn’t nearly as strong. In general, the OCD is always there, making noise in the background. Some times are harder than others to concentrate and I become a bit unstuck but my recovery time is quicker and, as much as I hate it and the way it interferes with my life, I have learnt to live with it. It’s just part of me now. Enough!