Feeling really lonely and sad

[HappyGirlTea]

Hi,

I am an 18 year old girl and I think I am gay or maybe bi. I don’t really know right now how I identify.

I am so afraid that my family is going to hate me because of this. I know that even if my parents accept me the rest of my family definitely will not which really hurts me. Every time I talk to them I can’t help think about what they would do if they knew. I am also really scared that I will never feel okay with myself and that I won’t ever be able to be open about it because I feel so ashamed. I wish I had people I could talk to who understand but I don’t and I don’t know how to find that. Even if I did I think I would be afraid to speak.

Next year I will be going to university and I hope that this will mean I have more opportunity to find such people. But like I said I’m so scared. I don’t even know why but I think it is because my mum always would say negative things about gay people. It was never direct but it was implied and has really affected me.

I know that I could speak with people online to feel less lonely but I just want to have real friends who actually understand. I feel so trapped in my situation right now and I don’t know how to get out of it.

I also really find it hard because I talk about everything with my mum and so not having told her this is really hard. Even if she did know I doubt she would be able to help me anyway because I think it would really upset her to know that I don’t want a husband and children. I feel so angry at her for making me feel so bad about myself because of this because now I feel I will hate myself forever.

Anyway I could write more but this is all I can say for now. Sorry if this is a rambling mess, it’s really difficult for me to put all my thoughts down logically.

[Birdy77]

Dear HappyGirlTea,

What Esti and Darren have said about not underestimating your parents is so true, and I should have gone on to say that, despite their conservative views, my parents totally accept my partner as their daughter-in-law & only want me to be happy.

Even if it takes your Mum a while to come to terms with it, it will probably be ok because she loves you and wants you to be happy, as Esti and Darren said.

It's great to hear that you have a friend who will come to some groups with you, as Dools said, it's so much less daunting if you have some support with you.

I'm excited for your exams to finish so you can be free to start exploring a whole new lot of opportunities that await you.

We're cheering for you 😊

🌻birdy

[C4]

I too agree with not knowing how your parents would react my father was a bully to me as a child and I always grew up scared of him and even to some extent I’m my early adulthood. Living with the fear of him or anyone else finding out I was gay is what contributed to me not saying anything until last year even to my mother . I was surprised that he supports me now which is great but thought I needed that support as a child growing up to help me deal with my sexuality not as an adult I felt it was too late for his support now I’m an adult. I’ve haven’t received any negative comments at all which is good but I still hold onto the fear of what people would think of me if they found out I’m gay . The only person I’m fighting with is myself for acceptance which is hard when you’re conditioned to fear and negativity but I’m going ok so I agree you can never underestimate people’s reactions until it happens.

[HappyGirlTea]

Thank you Dools, Birdy and C4 for your replies. It is nice to hear many different stories from different people. I greatly appreciate you all responding to my post with such positive and hopeful messages!