Exploring gender & sexuality in my 40s

[TealRibbon]

Good morning everyone,

I've posted this in another thread, but think it should be here instead.

I feel a bit like a teenager, exploring, reading about LGBT and trying to find my true self. It is interesting and upsetting, but at least I am opening up to new possibilities. I remember and question things now, like always being a tomboy, my first love being same-sex...and then I got caught up in a hetero life... I feel better for looking into the possibilities, but won't make any life decisions until I feel a bit more stable with my mental health.

Same-sex? The words & questions are all still new to me 🙂 Well same-sex back then was girl-girl. Now I live in a relationship as a woman with a man. I question my own gender and my sexuality and find it all pretty confusing. But I had advise to just explore and not to put pressure on myself and that it will never be too late to make a decision. So I take my time. I actually love my partner, but we haven’t had intimacy for a while now. I’m going through trauma therapy for CSA as well, so my world is pretty much turned upside down

I thought more about the question of same-sex, girl-girl. Now this is where I get confused. Yes it was a girl and I was a girl, but back then I passed as a boy, probably until my mid teens and even sometimes in my early 20s. I had a boyish nickname, short hair and I’ve always been around boys, now men. I knew back then that gay people existed, we had a guy in school who was gay. That was pretty much all I knew about sexuality. Gender wasn’t even discussed in my little town.

So I went into a hetero relationship and have been there ever since. Refused to have children. And always had this desire that I just wanted people to accept me as me, just the way I am - whatever that is. And that’s what I am trying to figure out. I can’t believe I walked around this world with the biggest blinders on my eyes!

Can anyone identify with this? I know I cannot be the only person who just completely blocked any other possibility out of their life, I know I've blocked my CSA very well until a few years ago, I guess gender & sexuality question got lost in that same blockade.

Thanks x

[TealRibbon]

Hi Sez,

you mentioned the following in the other thread:

‘There are so many labels out there now, even I get confused. You've described your physical appearance and relationship situation and I'm glad you have. So what brings you to this neck of the woods TR?
If you could ask or tell me anything, what would it be?’

What brings me here? Finding people who grew up and lived a life and then question their own gender and sexuality.

If i could asked you anything? How do you know, how do you feel that it’s right?

If I could say anything? At the moment I think i should have been a boy and if i was a boy i would be gay. And that is pretty much the opposite of the life I have lived / am living .

And I don’t know if my thinking is just confused from the trauma therapy I’m going through. So I really don’t know and thought here would be a safe place to start the conversation.

Hugs to you Sez

[J-J]

Hi Teal Ribbon,

I've only found out about this term, this month "Pansexual/pan"

Pansexual/pan – people who fancy people of any gender. This might be someone who says that they don’t think someone’s gender is important when they fancy people.

Just be yourself and have fun 🙂

[TealRibbon]

Thanks J-J

I am trying to be myself and enjoy, it is probably the biggest change I will make in my life 🙂

[Just Sara]

Hi Teal;

I'm so sorry I haven't been here for you. I should've been more sensitive. I don't know if you'll see this, but I'm really hoping you do.

You wrote;

'...I think i should have been a boy and if i was a boy i would be gay'

I wouldn't be overstating things if I say I said these same words, probably verbatim, to a dear friend a few yrs back.

My first memories are at around 2 or 3 with my (pseudo) brothers, then at 8 yrs old playing soccer with the boys at my Aunt's on holidays. I was encouraged to play with the girls and their dollies, but there was absolutely no appeal.

I busted a couple of pairs of runners, but it was worth the smack on my backside. 😄 Had the time of my life and actually played competition soccer in my teens because of it. State player!

I get it. If I could marry a gay guy, I would. There probably wouldn't be any appeal for him though. Ha ha ha...

I wish I had've seen your msg to me before this. I do hope you see this.

Many kind thoughts and regrets;

Sez xo