Confused and depressed

[Gabi-cd]

I have been a closet cd for the past 33 years,, grew up in a very religious family and parents are still that way. This upbringing has led to more confusion within myself. My first marriage fell apart and this is partly to blame for it and I have three kids to think about. My current partner is accepting to a certain degree but is so far unwilling to tell anyone in her family (worried about being judged) which I do respect but This makes it hard for me to dress as I want around the house as some live with us.

im not sure how I identify. Best way I can describe it is when I look at my male body, I don’t want to get rid of anything. But I feel like something is missing and the only time it feels right is when I am wearing my beastforms.

i have come out to some close friends (usually when drunk)but I’m too shy to even speak to dr about it.

i hate wearing or shopping for male clothes but too shy to shop in stores for female clothes by myself as I feel I will get judged and for being out of proportion and not able to try the clothes on..

i quite often have days days of just waking up depressed and no “normal” reason for it except I put it down to identifying who I am

if I had to identify as anyone it would be a bisexual trans woman but not sure if that’s even the right terminology

sorry for my ramblings but it’s hard to get my thoughts straight let alone live the life I think I should.

probably more I should include but as I said can’t get thoughts straight

[white knight]

Hi , welcome

Thankyou for your courage and your faith in us. We all here endure mental illness, including community champs, and we tolerate others lack of accepting us for who we are.

As individuals we are unique and none the same. We should ideally be accepted yet we arent. Most of us dteam of the day we are accepted but toil with our own fears of what others think.

The latter is covered in the following threads.

Google (just have to read the first post)

Beyondblue Topic fortress of survival

Beyondblue Topic fortress of survival part 2

Those threads teach us to defend ourselves from those people in society that wont accept us. It shows us how to prevent hurt by not allowing certain incompatible people into our world and that its ok to reject some for our own sanity.

This "acceptance" becomes more complicated with partners and children. Thats when specialist Medical vare is preferable. So start with a referral from your gp.

finally. Google

Beyondblue Topic not conventional? You are still a jigsaw peice

I hope you are ok. We dont judge here, in fact we love all for whoever you be.

Stay strong.

TonyWK

[Birdy77]

Dear Gabi-CD,

I can only imagine how frustrating and disheartening it must be for you to not feel the freedom to dress and be the way you want to and the way that feels good and right to you.

I am glad to hear that your partner is at least accepting to a certain degree - given time, would your ideal scenario be that you could dress openly as a woman all the time and still be with your partner?

You said you feel too shy to talk to a dr about it, but it really would help you, and they hear about things like this all the time, psychologists are there to help us to make sense of our inner complexities. Your situation is nothing to feel ashamed of.

I'm glad you've come here, you are safe and welcome to talk about these and any other issues.

You are amongst friends here.

🌻birdy