conflicted

[Kara01]

Hi I am at a very difficult time in my life as I want start a discussion with wife about transitioning to a woman.

I have always felt female and wanted to be female but in my generation this would never have been accepted or respected.

I have been married to a wonderful woman for 39 years and I do love her and my children and grandchildren.

I desperately don't want to hurt anyone but I am struggling more than ever with my identity and I don't know how much longer that I can keep my secret from everyone.

Everyday I feel I am just lying to myself and I don't know how much longer I can do this for.

Every time I see a woman of my age I just ask myself why couldn't it have been me that was born female and not trapped in my male body.

I am very concerned about my current state of mind as I can only think about this issue and nothing else.

I started to cross dress from a very early age and only ever felt a complete person when I was dressed in women's clothes.

I am desperate to try and move on with my life but am terrified of the damage that I will cause to my family.

[Kara01]

Lillylane thank you for your kind words of support.

I have tried so hard to be understanding with my family and my wife because I know it's also very hard for them.

But unfortunately everyone seems to forgotten very quickly how hard it's been for me for the last 50 years.

I have learnt that when people say that they support it doesn't always mean what you were thinking it would be.

I am desperately trying to get my wife to look at the right information about what gender dysphoria is and what it means.

She's jumped so far into the future and has got fixated on the things that she can't do to support me.

She's worried about not being able to take me clothes shopping.

This is a long long way in the future right now.

We resolved some of the issues but I am unsure about the future together right now.

What said yesterday was though she said she would support me for now but not sure about the future, three week's later and we're on verge of seperating.

I asked her didn't the last 40 years we spent mean anything and was it worth fighting for.

I feel like I am being punished by family and my wife for doing something bad.

I know it has hurt them but again everyone is more focused on the physical changes and me presenting as female.

There have been no changes as I haven't even started any treatment of HRT.

I made little changes by starting electrolysis to remove facial hair and started looking after myself better.

I have lost 10 kgs and feel great about the changes.

The only other little thing I have done to help with the dysphoria is to sleep in a pair feminine knickers which I wear when I am at home.

Looking forward to hearing from you soon.

Love Kara

[Kara01]

HI lillylane so I ran out of characters before and I just wanted to say I that everything goes well for husband with coming out at work.

It's a bif decision and hope that will fully supportive. Hopefully there across this in their HR policies.

It's one of the things was worrying me but gender identity is fully covered at my work.

Do you mind me asking which industry

Kara

[Jo8049]

Hi Kara , I am very sorry that this is happening in this way for you . I sort of get the response of family as it would be hard to comprehend the enormity of actually living with gender dysphoria day after day for such a long time .Trans itself is hard enough to understand. I guess that doesn't help how you feel right now though . Also understand as I feel most diverse folk do, the isolation . It really sucks and is the thing I have most problem with personally .

My phone doesn't ring much anymore and that is sad and hurtful but when those who don't ring finish processing things maybe that will change ? Hope so ?

Have you been getting enough sleep ? That for me has always been super important .

Hugs , and although we are only on a screen we really are here as well . Be warm safe and rested ,

Jo 🐾💃❤

[Kara01]

Hi Jo I think that what hurts the most is the isolation. It seems that it's more about their own feeling and less about what I have lived with for so long and the amount of pain and suffering I have had to deal with.

I do understand that it's a lot to process but these people are the most important family members that I have and honestly thought that I could count on them based upon what was said when I came out to them.

I prepared myself for the worst possible out come and when things went well I thought that I got it so wrong so maybe things will work out. 3 weeks later and I might as well have been dead not one contact nothing not even a text message. So I reach and try and share some good news only to be shut down as they weren't ready to deal with it as they were still grieving. My question when did I die I haven't changed anything about myself other that a couple of minor things which aren't even visible to anyone.

They all seem tp fixated on having to deal with the long term change to my physical appearance and dealing with me presenting as female at some point. I kept try to reinforce that I am still going to be the same person on the inside only happier.

As I said during a conversation yesterday with my wife I would have had more love and attention if I was dying from cancer but because it's not a health issue that you can see they don't want to deal with it.

I even said I felt that I was being punished for doing something bad, I know that wanting to lead a happier life isn't wrong but are making feel like it is.

I am going to stay strong and am going to get the help I need no matter what I deserve to have a happy life I have done everything that was expected of me and I say no more. I can't roll this back now and must push on to my achieve my goals.

Please forgive me being a bit angry today but I have been deeply hurt by the way my family has treated me.

I told my wife that all of the people who I made contact with through the forum and direct contact know more about what I am going through which is sad.

Will talk again a bit later once I hopefully get some good news this week about counseling.

Kara

[Lillylane]

Hi Kara

Thanks so much for your posts.

Had hoped to write earlier sorry - just couldn’t find the right time to sit down this weekend and order my thoughts.

I wanted to ask my partner too about those early days of coming out to me and family, and looking back, what would have been helpful for her back then.

Here are her wise words for you 🙂

You’re going to get there. And so is everyone else.

Try and let go of expectations of others.

Keep seeking out other trans people for support and connection (she really emphasised this).

My partner works in a large organisation which thankfully has a good HR department. She has spoken to a trusted person there and worked out a plan on how to inform colleagues of her new name etc.

Keep talking with us.

Take care Kara. I admire your determination through these challenges.

Lillylane

[Kara01]

Thank you Lillylane for your help during these trying times I just wish that my wife could talk to someone like you to get a better understanding of the whole situation because her denial isn't helping her or me. I am trying to very supportive and understanding of her because I care for her deeply but after talking with over the weekend I feel my feelings are stronger for her than hers for me.

She has cut off contact with the people whom I trusted the bring along on my journey and this worries me because I know that it's not helping anyone.

I am seeking out as much help as I possibly can but I am just unsure about so much I have embraced the LGBTIQA Elders Australia group as well as the LGBTIQ Adelaide as well as Pride of the South and I am planning on attending events to meet with others as soon as there is an opportunity.

I met up on line with some wonderful women who have so helpful to me but as yet I have only spoken with woman a couple weeks ago that I wanted to meet face to face but because of her job we can't meet on the weekends which would have been very helpful.

I do understand that most probably my expectations were to high about the initial support that I would get from my family and my wife so I have to wait and let them come to me as I don't think right now I could handle anymore rejection.

I know what I want more than anything right now is for someone to hold me and tell me it's going to okay but right now I know that's not going to happen I can only hope somewhere in the future that I can.

Now unfortunately I am stuck in limbo waiting for the professional support that I need to come due to how the system works.

I wanted to try and help those around me who I care a lot about to understand fully what having GD really means and how destructive it is has been to me but as most of us at times do we focus on how this will affect them but somehow I seem to have been lost in the process and I am being left out of the conversation.

I am very happy for both you and your partner that you seemed to have managed this together and stayed together. I am still hopeful for now we might still make through this as it won't be due a lack of trying on my half because one thing we have never done during our relationship is walk away from each other when things have gotten tough.

I was hoping that 39 years of marriage meant something.

Here from you again soon.

Kara

[Jo8049]

0600, -0.6 mmm a warm one ?

Hi Kara and Lilylane ,

Kara it is all mixed up ( completely ) right now . Huge virtual hugs ( best can do ❤ ) . Lilylanes partner is very helpful I feel . Dont think I can add to what she has said . It is very raw for me and I feel the pain hugely . You are unique and beautiful and we all love you !

Take very good care of Kara , please get some rest xxxxxxx

Lilylane , thank you and your partner . xxx

Jo ❤hugs xxxx

[Kara01]

Hi Jo I don't know what I would do without you and Lillylane both of you have been so helpful and supportive of everything that I am dealing with.

I hate where I am right now as I desperately want to be happy and I won't those around me see how much happier I will be once I start the process and achieve my goals.

For now I I will continue to try and find my way through all of the issues that are in front of me and try to remain in control. Yesterday was the first day in 3 weeks that I haven't broken down crying uncontrollably I am trying get through 1 day at a time but not sure as I have a counselling session tomorrow and they tens to be very emotional.

My wife can't cope with me crying at times so I am having to find somewhere on my own to let go if she is at home, I know that it's not that she doesn't care she doesn't know what to do.

If she would talk to me more I could help her to help me, just by talking to me and tying to get a better understanding of GD because what ever information she getting about it's wrong.

She's so confused about what it means to support me she thinks it's taking me clothes shopping and things like that and it's not what I need now. Maybe in the future as things progress I will need help with this but not right now as it's a long way off. I just need her to listen to me and reach out to others in my family who know what's happening. Unfortunately this isn't what's happening and she is very much in the denial stage but her denial is my biggest concern because I am concerned about her mental health but this is how she deals a lot of things.

My sisters aren't helping either because of the way that they have dealt with me since coming out but I know she's avoiding them also so that she doesn't have to discuss anything about the issue.

So for mow I will continue to reach to others I have found until I can get to meet with Shine and speak with a professional councillor, which desperately need right now.

I will leave it there for now, once thanks to all of you for your support.

Kara

[Kara01]

Hi everyone I just got a little bit of good news as Shine have advised that they received my MHCP and will be calling me this afternoon to set up an appointment.

I was a great sense of relief to at least hear this from them today so maybe I am getting underway (slowly) but I am moving forward.

Really needed to hear some good news.

Kara

[Kara01]

Hi again I know that I have been a bit down lately but great news I have finally got my first appointment with Shine 15th July will really signal that my journey has really begun.

I just feel so excited to have gotten my appointment so now I can really start to find the happiness that's been missing for so long.

Still along way off for the doctors appointment but it's a new beginning.

I know I have been angry, hurt & upset lately and you all have listened to me and showed me nothing but love and kindness and understanding.

I hope when my turn comes that I will able to support someone else like you all have supported me.

Thanks to everyone for keeping me grounded and focused your support has got me to where I am today.

Looking forward to more good news in the coming months.

Kara