conflicted

[Kara01]

Hi I am at a very difficult time in my life as I want start a discussion with wife about transitioning to a woman.

I have always felt female and wanted to be female but in my generation this would never have been accepted or respected.

I have been married to a wonderful woman for 39 years and I do love her and my children and grandchildren.

I desperately don't want to hurt anyone but I am struggling more than ever with my identity and I don't know how much longer that I can keep my secret from everyone.

Everyday I feel I am just lying to myself and I don't know how much longer I can do this for.

Every time I see a woman of my age I just ask myself why couldn't it have been me that was born female and not trapped in my male body.

I am very concerned about my current state of mind as I can only think about this issue and nothing else.

I started to cross dress from a very early age and only ever felt a complete person when I was dressed in women's clothes.

I am desperate to try and move on with my life but am terrified of the damage that I will cause to my family.

[Jo8049]

Hi Kara and LL ,

In TRC this morning I talked of the collective consciousness , I think in the last week that it has taken a dive , everyone ( nearly ) including self has been struggling in some way ?

Not sure if that helps a bit or not but when added to your own stuff can be quite overwhelming ?

Lol to you both , Jo ❤

[Lillylane]

Hi Kara and Jo,

Kara, I’m sorry to hear it’s been such a difficult week for you and can see how much it hurts.

It’s so frustrating when you go the effort of explaining something to people (especially family). And it appears they get stuck on incorrect ideas in their head and they’re not truly listening anymore.

Your supports are with you (including us here at BB).

Interesting thought Jo, about the collective consciousness. People in general seem more on edge and reactive at the moment.

Thinking of you both Kara and Jo. Hope the next week brings some rest and recharging.

Love LL xx

[Kara01]

Hi Jo & Lillylane I hope you are both well.

Well once again I have been let down by the system I have scheduled two telehealth appointments in the last week and both of them didn't happen both of these appointments were confirmed two days before the due date.

I was waiting for a link to be sent to me which didn't happen so I rang the office to enquire about what was happening.

Both times I was told that they would contact my phycologist and find out what was happening and get back to me both times this never happened so I rang again and was told the same thing and again nothing.

I am feeling damaged as my most important support person has let me down more than once. I feel very isolated from my support right now.

I have another appointment booked for tomorrow and I am going to ring today and sort this out because I need to speak with her as I a have number issues we need to discuss.

This why I walked away from Shine due to lack of support and system failures.

Sorry that I have no good news but once again this where I am with my journey just sitting in limbo going no where.

Kara

[Kara01]

Hi Jo & Lillylane.

Finally got to the bottom of what happened yesterday my psychologist had an operation a week ago and need to take pain medication so was unable to provide a consult.

Fully understand it was just that I had to chase around to try and sort this out. Worst part she did try to contact me but sent an email which I didn't have access to from my phone so hopefully tomorrow will go ahead as planned.

The other piece of good news is I have finally got my one off appointment approved with the psychiatrist for October.

Just need to finish my appointments with the psychologist and get my appointment with the endocrinologist.

Kara

[Lillylane]

Hi Kara, hope tomorrow’s appointment still goes ahead for you!

It sounds like you felt very comfortable with your psychologist in your last appointment so I hope it goes well.

Lots of love to you and Jo xx

LL

[Jo8049]

Hi Kara & LL .

I am glad that there is a good explanation Kara & now you can continue to move forward . On some occasions I guess a bit of patience is required . The path your taking must have a few people travelling it . Seems like some of the waiting times are long though . Hugs ( ps ) & hang in there ❤

LL , how are you coping ? It is my hope that you & your partner are doing fine . Come & visit in the TRC sometime . All welcome ! Hugs. ( pandemic safe ) to all . ❤

Jo W

[Lillylane]

Thanks Jo. I’m getting over some illness, so feeling a bit sorry for myself but it will pass. P and I get a bit cranky with each other lately but doing our best. Would be good for both of us to have a break from work but not sure when/if we’ll be able to do that for some time.

How are you doing, Jo? How often do you get to meet up with your support group (or is it online?)

How are you going Kara? I hope you are feeling comfortable at home.

Look forward to hearing from you as always,

LL

[Jo8049]

Hi LL , hang in there and keep no secrets from each other . Barracking for both of you . You know the drill with rest . Make sure you get absolutely as much as,you can . Long cuddle xxx ( ps ) Cheers for you both & the kids . ❤❤❤❤🐾💃🌈

3/9/21 will be the first meeting and no one has responded yet but we ( myself & one other are doing this ). We think may be a while before we get anyone as,it takes,a while to get out there ? Hugs again ❤❤❤

Hi Kara , my hope is you can be more comfortable now than you have been and trust your gut ! Hope things pick up pace a bit but you are sooo lucky having real live people ( trans ) to talk with ! Lol and hugs ❤❤❤

Jo ❤🐾💃🌈

[Kara01]

HI Jo & Lillylane I hope you are both well especially you Lillylane there is nothing worse than feeling unwell when dealing with family issues.

Jo I hope that your support group grows overtime as we all know that any form of support is critical for your mental health.

Well my home life is stable for now I guess it's been easier that I am no longer living with the expectation that our relationship has a long term future.

I am able to move forward knowing that my wife can't & won't provide me with any basic intimacy like hand holding or giving a hug.

Once I accepted this life became much easier as I am free to look else where for my intimacy needs which still is disappointing but I do understand she does care and support me but no longer loves me for who I am.

She respects me but I need more as I move forward with my transition journey.

I am hoping that today will be my last telehealth appointment with my psychologist and I can get my confirmation written report of gender dysphoria which will let me contact my endocrinologist to start my HRT.

Will keep updates coming as things change.

Big hugs Kara

[Jo8049]

Hi Kara , hugs and plenty of rest . The rest bit is difficult when the brain and heart keep poking at you I think . Physical exhaustion is a great sleeping pill but make sure you dont push that barrow to far .

Keep us posted and enjoy the gym , the results are such a huge reward . Do take care of yourself and look after as much as possible those around you , love Jo ❤

LL , how are you & yours my dear ? Are you feeling better ? The warmer weather is coming now with handful of icy reminders . Do take care and from here you are getting applause , all of you . Huge hugs Jo ❤