conflicted

[Kara01]

Hi I am at a very difficult time in my life as I want start a discussion with wife about transitioning to a woman.

I have always felt female and wanted to be female but in my generation this would never have been accepted or respected.

I have been married to a wonderful woman for 39 years and I do love her and my children and grandchildren.

I desperately don't want to hurt anyone but I am struggling more than ever with my identity and I don't know how much longer that I can keep my secret from everyone.

Everyday I feel I am just lying to myself and I don't know how much longer I can do this for.

Every time I see a woman of my age I just ask myself why couldn't it have been me that was born female and not trapped in my male body.

I am very concerned about my current state of mind as I can only think about this issue and nothing else.

I started to cross dress from a very early age and only ever felt a complete person when I was dressed in women's clothes.

I am desperate to try and move on with my life but am terrified of the damage that I will cause to my family.

[Jo8049]

Hi Kara , had similar conversation today about the old me ( deadname person ) . ie being not happy . Could not look in the mirror . Jo can and she loves Jo very much . Life for me is very beautiful now . It is Jo's time , late in life as that is . 👍😉🐾💃

Lol Jo

[Kara01]

Didn't have a very good day yesterday, started out okay just doing a few errands etc before speaking with my friend the physiologist which went pretty well she gave me some good advice and has offered to support me in anyway that she can, so it's nice to have another trusted person in my circle.

Unfortunately that's the high point for the day, yesterday evening I received a frantic message from one of my sisters telling me that she couldn't get onto mum as the phone just kept ringing out.

We contacted Teltsra to check the phone line for a fault but there wasn't one.

So my other sister went around to mum's at about 6. 00pm to find mum on the bathroom floor, she had been there for 12 hours.

So an ambulance was called plus the fire brigade to assist with getting her to hospital.

All of the emergency response people were amazing with mum and were so professional.

So long story short she had all of the test done and fortunately there were no serious injuries so they are keeping her for a couple of days to make sure she's okay to return home.

The most important thing is that she's okay.

The one thing that we made mum get when dad died was care alert smart dialer for this type of situation.

Mum had it with her but didn't want to press the button because she didn't want to cause us any problems as we would have been at work. She thought she was able to get up on her own.

So as the saying goes when it rains it pours that's now two major events 1 being me coming out and 2 mum's accident so god only knows what the third one will be.

I am so exhausted right now as I didn't get to bed until 1.30am and am all alone again with no one to talk with.

I was due back at work today but just couldn't face it just to emotionally drained to have to face work but am planning on going back tomorrow.

So I am going to push back the discussion with my mother for awhile until she has fully recovered as I don't want to make her have to deal with my issues right now.

Kara

[Jo8049]

Hi Kara , rest and recharge if and when you can . Biggest expenditure of emotional energy I have ever had . We are here if needed . Give yourself a hug ( many if required )

Jo 🐾💃

[Kara01]

Hi Jo as always your reassuring words help me to keep moving forward.

I never thought I could be this emotionally charged it seems as soon as I have rested and recharged it starts again and begins to drain everything again.

It's the crazy little things that seem to trigger these over whelming feelings, a song on the radio, a line in a movie, a story on the news.

Definitely in need of some hugs right just trying find someone other myself to give them to me.

Missing physical contact right now, words and support are crucial to keep me going but just need to hold someone right now.

When I talked with my friend yesterday I came to decision that I will be abstaining from alcohol for a while just in case, she fully supported my decision and thought for the time being it was a wise one, not that I drink everyday but as a preventative measure.

As always Jo lovely to hear from you.

Kara

[Jo8049]

Hi Kara , I think alcohol can be quite unhelpful at times like you are traversing now . To be aware of this is very good .

Hugs , very good if you can get them . Finally I had 2 last weekend . First for a decade ( that looks sad ?) . Just the life I lead , solitary because there are few if any like minded people around here . Such is life I guess .

Have a hug if you need one , virtual is better than no hug .

Be you , and be safe

Jo

[Kara01]

So tomorrow another big day going back to my GP to discuss my mhcp and setting up a visit to a psychologist.

As you said Jo just small steps one thing at a time just let the process run it's course.

Unfortunately mum won't be home for mothers day still stuck in hospital and then off to Griffith Rehabilitation Hospital before they will send home on her own.

Planning of having the discussion next week with my children and then with mum when she's fully recovered.

Going to try and discuss the timing with my wife been hard lots of talking but no real communication will be guided by her.

Just letting do her own thing as don't want to rush her and I know that she hasn't reached out to anyone who knows but they have offered her support.

Talk again soon

Kara

[Kara01]

Well I guess I got that wrong with my doctors appointment today. I thought today we were going to do a mhcp but no I will be doing that on Tuesday night no big deal.

Still trying to find a psychologist quite an overwhelming job feels like it might be hit or miss or might get lucky and find the right person for me first go.

After talking with my GP decided to delay talking with the children just because I have too much going on right now same with mum it can waiting a bit longer until she's better.

Tough day though 39th wedding anniversary not sure what to do, do I mention it or not? I took a chance and bought my wife a bunch of flowers hopefully she will accept them from me, might just end up in the bin.

I couldn't over look 39 years of marriage without saying something as I think it would be disrespectful to our marriage and to her.

Well I will post another update when something changes.

Kara

[Jo8049]

Hi Kara , still here with you .

Lol Jo

[Kara01]

A little bit of good news I have made contact with Shine SA and started to get things underway I will just have to wait now until the Gender Wellness Councilor makes contact to set up a face to face meeting.

Still doing my mhcp tomorrow night and that will be sent off to Shine to provide additional medial information regarding my problem.

So nice to report a little bit of good news.

Kara

[Jo8049]

Hi Kara , still here ! Glad to see your moving forward ( albeit seemingly slow ) . Have a rest in the lull , you will need all the energy you can muster for a while ( which may be a lot longer than expected ).

Am so glad you are now talking to folk who are immersed in matters of gender . Well done , let it all take its time ( as it will anyway ). Speak up immediately if you are not comfortable with anything , this is your journey ! Hug !

Lol Jo