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Community Member

Hi I am at a very difficult time in my life as I want start a discussion with wife about transitioning to a woman.

I have always felt female and wanted to be female but in my generation this would never have been accepted or respected.

I have been married to a wonderful woman for 39 years and I do love her and my children and grandchildren.

I desperately don't want to hurt anyone but I am struggling more than ever with my identity and I don't know how much longer that I can keep my secret from everyone.

Everyday I feel I am just lying to myself and I don't know how much longer I can do this for.

Every time I see a woman of my age I just ask myself why couldn't it have been me that was born female and not trapped in my male body.

I am very concerned about my current state of mind as I can only think about this issue and nothing else.

I started to cross dress from a very early age and only ever felt a complete person when I was dressed in women's clothes.

I am desperate to try and move on with my life but am terrified of the damage that I will cause to my family.

211 Replies 211

Community Member

Hi Jo you are right as I will definitely guided by any advice from my friend the physiologist can provide me with as this will be an informal discussion just try and me arrive at the right decision about having the discussion with my wife.

Unless she strongly advises me to wait a bit longer I feel that I have reached a point where I need to release the pressure valve and calmly tell her whats been going on and how much pain and suffering I have been living with.

I am very sensitive to her feelings but I think that honesty is the best why forward so she can try and understand what I have been living with all these years.

I have many mixed emotions right at the moment but I know deep down inside that if I don't move on this now I will regret it for the rest of my life.

This will be first time in my life that I have made a decision that I know totally is the right one for me without putting everyone feelings in front of my own

As always thanks to you and other members of the forum for letting me share the beginning of my journey.


Community Member

Well I have finally taken the first step of my journey, though it was through a lot of tears and sobbing with my GP today.

I have made a follow up appointment next week to formulate a mental health care plan and then see where it takes me next.

I made a mistake yesterday which turned out to be a blessing is disguise as I made an innocent comment on a web page not thing that anyone would see it, but you guessed it both of my sisters saw it.

The best piece of news that both of them fully support me and offered any help that they can for me and for my wife.

I have decided that I will be having a talk tomorrow with my wife as I feel I owe it her to be honest, I am hoping that I can explain to her how I felt have for the last 50 years I don't expect her to embrace the idea and be happy for me. I hope that she will see my pain and understand what this has been doing to me for so long and in time understand why I need to do this.

I am going to give her as much time and space that she needs even if it means moving out for awhile if that what she wants.

I will keep coming back with more updates as I move forward on my journey and as always looking forward to hearing from you all again.

Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor
Hi Kara,

I read your post with happy tears as I’m so glad your sisters have expressed their support.

My husband told me about 2 years ago that he wanted to transition. I really didn’t see it coming so I didn’t know what to think or feel. But it did explain the self-loathing she has suffered over her lifetime (stemming from gender dysphoria).

As the months rolled by, the implications for our relationship started to sink in. Individual counselling has been really helpful.

You and your wife are not alone. Hope it helps to know that.

I love the name Kara by the way! It is a beautiful name.

Take care,


Community Member

Hi Lillylane, nice to have someone else share a different perspective with the experience with gender dysphoria.

I am very lucky to have two sisters who are totally there for me but also there for my wife as they have a very strong bond.

Today was the most difficult discussion I have ever had with my wife as I had no idea what here reaction would be.

I was expecting to be shown the door but I couldn't have been more wrong. Right now she has shown a tremendous amount strength and support for me after delivering my news.

What the future holds is anyone's guess and she may not be able to support me to end but I will be grateful for how ever much time we have left together.

There was to much information for her to digest today but we discussed her seeing someone in the future to give her some counseling and guidance while I am transitioning.

Right now she said that she's not sure so I didn't press her she has to comfortable with everything going forward.

Through this forum I realized what a great community it is and have soon realized that there is help and support out there.

Thankfully we aren't alone as so many people have been so wonderful and understanding of what I have been going through for many many years and have shared some of the experiences with me.

Yes I have always loved the name Kara as she has always been inside me but had been suppressed for so many years and now is being set free although it be slowly as I know the process doesn't happen overnight.

I hope you and your partner have been able to find the inner peace and happiness that will enable you be together in the future as this has been one of my biggest fears is loosing my wife of so many years.


Community Member

Good morning Kara . Well done . I am very very happy for you , let everything take its own time .You are on the way now and it seems it never ends and we are here . Keep us all posted if you want to ( or not ? )

Lol Jo W

Community Member

Hi Jo thanks for the positive words it's been a very difficult and emotional weekend as finally being able to talk face to face with someone was a release for some of what I have been suppressing for most of my life.

I am blessed to have two loving sisters who have offered all the support they can to me and my wife.

It tore me apart yesterday when I opened up to my wife.

2 hours of tears and emotion's took there toll on me.

I am having a few days off work to try and get myself together and sort out some of what I need to do.

I wasn't able to talk my physiologist before speaking with my wife.

I am talking with her tomorrow afternoon and see what advice she can offer.

I am seeing my doctor again next Saturday to go over my mhcp and talk about seeing a phycologist.

The only important people that I still have to deal with are my mother and my children.

I think I am more worried about the reaction from my children than my mother.

Not ready just yet to have that talk so going to wait and see what happens after my next visit to the doctor and then decide when I will tell them.

Take care Jo looking forward to our next chat.


Community Member

Hi Kara . The hardest bit is behind you . Be true to yourself and honest to others . There are many moments to come where your confidence may be tested a bit , but as I said the weight is mostly gone now and there are many people out there you will encounter now that get it ! That are there to help you . It is incredible that you felt so alone as that weight started to really push on you , was the same for me also . We are here also . Just drop into the cafe to if you want ( specially if you want to chat asap ).

Jo W

Community Member

Hi Jo I don't I know how I would have coped without your words of support and love,

Just thanks for being there for me when I have needed someone to rant and rave to when I need to release.



Community Member

Hi Kara , all those things you mention are the reason this space exists , and why we are here . You are very brave and that bravery needs support . There are many things in the future now . Two very important ones ( but by no means not the only ones ) are support and gaining confidence in you . Support is always here , confidence travels at its own pace , as does this very fluid journey .

Lol Jo

Community Member

I am sure that all of the emotion's that I am feeling right now are same for all us going through transition.

I have spent the last few days talking to the people who I know I can trust.

It's been very difficult at times to begin the conversation but each time I talk to people I feel a little bit better.

I have had n nothing but words of support and love. Everyone has felt a deep sorry for what I been dealing with most of my life.

I am giving my wife as much time and space to process everything since Sunday.

What hurts the most right now is my wife hasn't asked me once how I feeling and am I you ok.

So right now I have 5 people who I can trust and rely on to be available when I need them.

I am all over the place with my emotion's which isn't a lot of fun.

Today I will have an opportunity to talk with my friend the physiologist.

Once I complete my mhcp I the next step will involve shine and finding a phycologist which I feel I really need.

Then where ever it takes me.

Will need to deal with my children and my mother in the coming weeks none of this is going to happen until after mother's day.

One of sisters hit me with something that never occurred to me.

She told me that it explains why I wasn't a happy person.

It hit me that she was right how could I be happy with myself when I wasn't who I needed to be.

Thanks for listening again.