conflicted

[Kara01]

Hi I am at a very difficult time in my life as I want start a discussion with wife about transitioning to a woman.

I have always felt female and wanted to be female but in my generation this would never have been accepted or respected.

I have been married to a wonderful woman for 39 years and I do love her and my children and grandchildren.

I desperately don't want to hurt anyone but I am struggling more than ever with my identity and I don't know how much longer that I can keep my secret from everyone.

Everyday I feel I am just lying to myself and I don't know how much longer I can do this for.

Every time I see a woman of my age I just ask myself why couldn't it have been me that was born female and not trapped in my male body.

I am very concerned about my current state of mind as I can only think about this issue and nothing else.

I started to cross dress from a very early age and only ever felt a complete person when I was dressed in women's clothes.

I am desperate to try and move on with my life but am terrified of the damage that I will cause to my family.

[Kara01]

Hi Jo and Lillylane hope you are both well.

Last night I had my first appointment with my psychologist and it was life changing I connected with her almost immediately and felt very relaxed as we talked through everything.

I was able to open up to her about everything in my life leading up to me coming out and everything that had happened afterwards.

So we discussed my plans for where I want to go etc and decided that I wouldn't continue with Shine as she felt that seeing them and also seeing her might cause a conflict.

I haven't cancelled any of medical appointments with them yet. She felt that she could work with my GP on any of my medical requirements but I need to sort out the details as we move forward.

So I have another appointment next week and once we move through all of the things she feels we need to discuss she will give me diagnose of GD and then I can book to see the endocrinologist that I have selected so I can begin HRT.

So nothing has changed between my sisters and me they are being toxic and the only that I haven't been blamed for so far is the Kennedy assassination.

Last night I discussed me telling my mother with my psychologist and she supported me that I needed to tell her as she needs to know.

So tomorrow morning I am going to visit her and try to discuss what my life has been like and why things have been so bad between us.

Lillylane just wanted to check in and get an update about how thing are going with "P" I am hoping all of the document issues are now behind you.

I have to see a psychiatrist in October so I can a second diagnosis of GD this will be a one off appointment to enable me to get my documents changed over later on. It will also open the door if I ever wanted to GRS.

I will update you both later about how things go tomorrow.

Big hugs to both of you.

Kara

[Lillylane]

Hi Kara and Jo,

So pleased to hear that your appointment went well Kara, and that a good connection with your psychologist was established. It’s so valuable to see a professional you can trust and feel comfortable with.

P is doing well thanks. Finally received her name-change paperwork. It’s been huge for her.

Hope you’re able to have a good talk with your mother Kara. Please do let us know how you are doing tomorrow and we are here to support you.

Hope you are doing well too Jo!

Hugs to you both xx

lillylane

[Jo8049]

Hi Kara & Lilylane ,

Kara , I feel such relief for you ❤ . As Lilylane said do let us know how goes it with your mum . Have no expectations perhaps . There really is no reason to seek approval for who we are . Of course the people we love matter enormously , they need educating ( can be done together ) but have to be willing .

LL , that is so good for P , I have yet to go down that street .

Lol to you both , Jo hugs ❤🐾💃🌈

[Jo8049]

Hi Kara & Lilylane ,

Kara , I feel such relief for you ❤ . As Lilylane said do let us know how goes it with your mum . Have no expectations perhaps . There really is no reason to seek approval for who we are . Of course the people we love matter enormously , they need educating ( can be done together ) but have to be willing .

LL , that is so good for P , I have yet to go down that street .

Lol to you both , Jo hugs ❤🐾💃🌈

[Kara01]

Hi Jo & Lillylane well as we all know people have the ability to surprise you when least expect it.

I came out to my mother and she told me that she will accept me for who I am, bot that was a huge relief for me so I am now trying to rebuild our relationship. She said she will try to understand and support me through my journey.

Unfortunately my sisters are treating me with indifference as they barely acknowledge me when they arrived at our mothers yesterday afternoon.

My youngest sister made a hurtful and unnecessary comment as she walked into our mothers house as I was leaving. She loudly announced to our mother "don't worry mum the cavalry has arrived"

So I have cleared the biggest hurdle but still a lot of damage to be repaired and can only hope at some point that my sisters can stop being toxic towards me. I will only put up with it for so long before I cut them out of my life as I don't need to be dealing with this as well as everything that I have in front of me.

Lillylane I am so happy that the paperwork has now arrived for "P" it must be a great sense of relief for both of you.

Jo you are always in my thoughts when I think about the isolation issues that you face everyday. I wish there was something I could do to help you other than offer words of support.

Take care and I will keep updating both of you about my appointments with my psychologist as I have another one this Thursday.

Love

Kara

[Lillylane]

Hi Kara,

So glad to hear you were able to talk to your mother in person, as I know this had been weighing on your mind for some time.

Love to you both.

Lillylane

[Jo8049]

Hi Kara & LL .

Sometimes no expectations comes up trumps . Am so very happy your mum is in 👍 . Sisters will work it out with mums example hopefully .

Thank you for the kind words . The isolation I have , in hindsight decisions I have made . Pretty used to it by now ❤.

My life is one of service , the internet is a good tool for hopefully helping others ?

How are you & P LL ? Hugs ❤

Lol Jo ❤🐾💃🌈

[Lillylane]

Hi Jo and Kara

Jo, P and I are doing OK thanks. We are kept pretty busy with our kids.

I am glad P has supportive parents and family.

I don’t have any other family of my own, and often feel like I’m the odd one out.

But I’m thinking of ways to address the loneliness that comes from that - maybe some community involvement. Joining a landcare group? I’m sort of thinking out loud here haha.

BB forums help a lot too.

Lately I’m drawn to native plants and want to learn how to propagate them.

Did get to do some weeding this weekend so that helped with the mental health.

I hope you are both well,

LL xx

[Jo8049]

Hi Kara & LL ,

I know that aloneness , specially around festive time . ❤

Hang in with your family . Stuck for words LL & feel very much for you . A bit of you time perhaps . lol & hugs ( if wanted or required ) from the never never . ❤❤❤🐾💃🌈

[Kara01]

Hi Jo & Lillylane hope you are both well.

This week has been very challenging again as I have had to deal with toxic insensitive comments from my mother.

After she offered to support me I have been keeping in close contact with her to offer my support to help her understand my journey.

I went and saw her last Saturday afternoon and things were going well and then out of the blue she started to criticise things that my old self had done 20 years ago and accuse my not supporting my sister.

She also kept going on about did I understand the consequences of what I doing I tried to explain that I had no choice as we had discussed what the alternative was to me coming out.

I remained calm and in controlled but I was so upset I had to cut short my visit.

This stayed with all night and into the next morning as I didn't understand where it was coming from.

I later realized that my sisters had been talking with her as the narrative went from her to we when discussing anything I was doing.

By the time my wife got up in the mooring I was a total emotional wreck again I was so upset and hurt as I didn't understand why people felt the need to hurt me.

I struggled all of Sunday to try and function as I was in so much pain fortunately my wife understood and was trying to support and console me.

So I decided to go back one more more time to see my mother on Monday after work.

I desperately need to sort this out once and for all and establish boundaries about what we could and couldn't discuss. All I want to do was to support her but it turned to an attack session.

We discussed what had happened on Saturday and she sat there and denied that she said any of the things I brought up.

We eventually got through it but I made it clear that there wasn't to be a repeat of what happened on Saturday again or I would walk away from her and the family as I couldn't carry everyone else's emotional baggage as well as what I dealing with.

She was upset with my declaration but I needed to make my position clear that her actions and my sisters had consequences for the future.

For the time being I am choosing not to keep in contact with my sisters and leave up to them to reconnect as I have reached on numerous occasions but been rejected.

I am sorry that sounds very bad it's where I am at so I am still supporting my mother and keeping in contact with her.

I hope my next post is more positive than this one.

Love and hugs to both of you.

Kara