conflicted

[Kara01]

Hi I am at a very difficult time in my life as I want start a discussion with wife about transitioning to a woman.

I have always felt female and wanted to be female but in my generation this would never have been accepted or respected.

I have been married to a wonderful woman for 39 years and I do love her and my children and grandchildren.

I desperately don't want to hurt anyone but I am struggling more than ever with my identity and I don't know how much longer that I can keep my secret from everyone.

Everyday I feel I am just lying to myself and I don't know how much longer I can do this for.

Every time I see a woman of my age I just ask myself why couldn't it have been me that was born female and not trapped in my male body.

I am very concerned about my current state of mind as I can only think about this issue and nothing else.

I started to cross dress from a very early age and only ever felt a complete person when I was dressed in women's clothes.

I am desperate to try and move on with my life but am terrified of the damage that I will cause to my family.

[Lillylane]

Hi Kara,

Great to hear that telling your children went so well! I feel very relieved. What an emotional time for you.

My partner has applied to officially change her name. She paid extra for the ‘express service’ which was meant to take a maximum of 4 weeks, but it’s been more than that now. A bit frustrating for her and she’s had to contact them to follow it up.

I haven’t had much luck finding a support group for partners of transgender women. Would appreciate any info if you hear of anything!

Yes I’m sorry too about the distance - please pass on to your wife that I understand her struggle. I have struggled too. I will keep looking for information on support groups and see what we can come up with.

Lillylane xx

[Jo8049]

Hi Kara and Lilylane ,

I to am glad Kara that the roof is still up . Am with you still . Proper rest if and when possible , that goes for everyone around you to . Many conflicting feelings and ideas now for you and family . Takes time but slowly it will settle as Kara finds her freedom .

Jo is young and there is so much more for her to learn , some days a teary and some awesome . Peer company is very helpful . Jo is alone here but we have bb and a short 500 km drive away I have a trans friend . xxx lol hugs

Lilylane , I am in qld not sure where you are ? I have a good ally at Relationships Australia and she is a great detective for finding things like support groups . If I know which beautiful state you are in I can mention it to her ? Lol hugs xxx

Jo

[Kara01]

Hi Jo great to hear from you I can't imagine what it must be like for living in isolation without any direct support. I have grown so much since reaching out within our community and found many wonderful allies who are helping with my daily struggles. I too like lillylane have been trying to find support groups for partners of transgender women.

I have been so lucky that I have been finally able to get the hugs that I been missing as all of the women I have met have been huggers such a wonderful feeling.

Haven't been too successful finding any in South Australia and any you do find tend to just full of hate filled and spiteful people who just want to hate on their partner, totally negative and useless.

On a positive note I only have another 11 more sleeps before my first appoint at shine.

I wanted to say thank you to the both of you as you have been so helpful and supportive during my early dark days after coming out.

Kara

[Jo8049]

Hi Kara and Lilylane . I have a tele councilling appointment on Thursday and will go and write in diary to ask V if she knows about services for partners ( peer group is what you want I think ) .

Am still here to for you both if I can help . Had a get together on Sunday afternoon with 2 friends and we are trying to work out a practical way of doing support ( peer and current accurate services ) in our back yard . We are very passionate and I think it will happen , as yet not know what it will look like .

Kara I found the hardest thing I have had to deal with has been the isolation in Akubra country . I now have 1 trans friend whom I get on with well and am very comfortable around her . ( 500 km drive so not daily visits 😂) Face to face with peers is so important , probably the same for you to Lilylane .

Lol Jo xx

[Kara01]

Hi Jo & Lillylane I hope all is well for both of you.

Jo any help with the peer support groups for partners would be greatly appreciated as it appears to be a very neglected part the transition journey for partners.

I have looked here in Adelaide and there is no support for partners unfortunately that seems to be my fault not sure why.

It looks like my relationship with my wife is in a holding pattern for now but it seems that more than likely it will a casualty of my transition. We are still living tighter nothing has been finalised but she talking about moving out of our bedroom and into one of the spare rooms.

I am trying not get to upset about it as I always knew it was a possibility.

Trying to focus on as many positives as possible for now, new mantra "happiness now" trying not to get to far ahead and miss out on the incredible journey which officially begins in 8 more sleeps as my first appointment with Shine gets much closer.

My support network is slowly get bigger as I allows a couple more people in to help replace those who seem to be struggling with my decision to transition. I do understand how they must feel as I get the feeling that Kara has killed my old self and they are struggling with that.

Sorry to hear about the delays with the paperwork for partners name change etc typical government stuff ups hopefully all sort now.

Looking for to hearing from both of you again soon.

[Jo8049]

Hello Lilleylane and Kara. I asked my friend in Brisvegas to see if there was anything for face to face for partners , there is a face book group for partners of gay folk . She also said and I think this would have to be considered for group meetings of partners and that is what do they want . ie: are they seeking healing after split . Are they like you Lilylane and are working with partner with a clear view to a future together . These would be both feasible and quite different .

Lilylane I thought you may be in regional Qld . If in qld you could access my friend . Will leave that there for now . I hope it helped a little .

Stay dry and warm , happiest weekend you can have for both of you xxxx

Jo ❤

[Kara01]

Hi Jo nice hear from you, thank your friend for looking into this for both of us. Is there a specific name of the Facebook group so I can have a look at it as I am being pressured about trying to find some help for my wife.

I hope that I was reading your post correctly and need to be sure about it before I pass anything on.

5 sleep now until my first visit to Shine very nervous, anxious, but very excited.

Will keep you both updated as to how it all goes later next week.

Kara

[Jo8049]

0538 , Stupid"o"clock as usual for me . Temp nust got in +'s . 0.1° !

Hi Kara , no is short answer for question . She couldn't remember the groups name . When you have a minute some searches might pull it up ? Worth remembering though it most likely is not appropriate for her situation ( but perhaps it would be ??). ( worth a look though ). I'm not sure where the crossover is between gender and sexuality though and how much common ground would be in there ? That would vary enormously I think ? Have a look but be careful with that ?

Happy warm Sunday , you are very lucky to have peers on hand . It is so very important .

lol Jo xx hugs

[Kara01]

Hi Jo once again thanks for trying. I had someone suggest to talk with Shine and as I am there on Thursday I will ask if they have suggestions.

Kara

[Lillylane]

Hi Kara and Jo,

Always lovely to read your posts and I feel very positive and welcome in your company. Sorry it’s taken me a while to reply.

So close to your first Shine appointment Kara! I’m excited for you and look forward to hearing how it goes.

My partner - will call her ‘P’ for now - still has heard nothing about her name change and will have to ring them again tomorrow. Argh!

Something wonderful happened yesterday - I bumped into a couple of friends we haven’t seen in many years. I told them P has been transitioning. Turns out that they have been supporting their transgender workmate who started transitioning last year. So they already know about what was involved! I didn’t have to explain a thing, and they immediately offered their support to both my partner and myself.

It really made my day.

Thank you both for looking out for info on partner support.

Jo, yes and thank you, we’re in regional qld 🙂 Do you know of Wendybird (community support) in Brissie? Distance must be very frustrating. It is wonderful to hear you’ve started a peer support group.

Kara, my counsellor found a group called ‘SPOT’, (Support Partners of Transgender People). It started in qld, but they’ve had requests to join from all over the country apparently. It’s a FB page, and I’m not on FB sorry, so I can’t access anything more about it. Might be worth a look.

Lots of hugs,
Lillylane