conflicted

[Kara01]

Hi I am at a very difficult time in my life as I want start a discussion with wife about transitioning to a woman.

I have always felt female and wanted to be female but in my generation this would never have been accepted or respected.

I have been married to a wonderful woman for 39 years and I do love her and my children and grandchildren.

I desperately don't want to hurt anyone but I am struggling more than ever with my identity and I don't know how much longer that I can keep my secret from everyone.

Everyday I feel I am just lying to myself and I don't know how much longer I can do this for.

Every time I see a woman of my age I just ask myself why couldn't it have been me that was born female and not trapped in my male body.

I am very concerned about my current state of mind as I can only think about this issue and nothing else.

I started to cross dress from a very early age and only ever felt a complete person when I was dressed in women's clothes.

I am desperate to try and move on with my life but am terrified of the damage that I will cause to my family.

[Jo8049]

Hi Kara , so happy for you . It's awesome . All changes now . Sure will be difficult bits but your on the take off roll now . Congratulations .xxxx

It was 5 months before I was able to talk with another trans person . Finding her and talking was an extremely important step . It helped so much with the isolation ( both geographical and mental ) .

By the way , it is not a problem , trans is a gift ! Xxxx lol ❤

Jo&LD 🐾💃

[Kara01]

Once again thank you Jo for your ongoing support it has meant a lot to me.

I do understand better now that it's not a problem as you said it's a gift.

I thankful having you and others that I can communicate with as my wife is still struggling to talk about anything that's happening right now and I do understand it unfortunately just adds to the isolation.

I tried to share what happened yesterday with my sister's and though they are being supportive they also are having difficulties with the changes because I thought I was good news worth sharing.

So I am being as understanding as I can be with those around me and just trying not to over share with them right now.

But hopefully getting a better understanding of the process when I get an appointment with shine.

Trying to feel better and freee from the burden I have carried for way to long.

Kara

[Jo8049]

Hi Kara , little steps . Sometimes ( it seems ) things seem way to slow .

Apologies to , the complexity of your situation is quite different to mine . We are here for you to chat with though.

Lol from the never never , Jo 👍

[Kara01]

First of all how is everyone it's been a little while since my last post.

Quick update mums back home no more hospitals for now, which is good news for everyone especially her.

The other good news is that I have had a call today from Shine SA (Hyde Street Practice) we had a long conversation about my situation and what comes next.

So I now need to wait for them to contact me to arrange two appointments to discuss in depth all aspects of my needs and plans plus all details of health etc for my transition journey.

I believe that this is the beginning of the informed choice process as the first appointment is full on but the second is discuss all aspects of the HRT program.

So once again slow and steady progress but it's progress which is most important to me.

The time line is approximately 2 months but having waited 50 years a couple of months is nothing.

So once I have some more details I will share them with you.

Once again thanks to this wonderful supportive community that has been so helpful in keeping me focused and mentally healthy over the last couple of months.

Kara

[Lillylane]

Hi Kara! Hi Jo!

Kara, great news about your mum being well again.

Shine sound wonderfully helpful and informative.

I’m sorry it’s not easy to share with others around you at the moment.

Is your wife able to talk with a trusted friend or GP? She may experience a range of emotions and may not feel right discussing them with you (or your sisters) at first. I’ve certainly been there, and I still need my own supports.

Good to hear of your steady progress. Wishing you the best with each step.

Lillylane

[Kara01]

Hi Lillylane I have been reaching out to some local groups to try and find some people from the community that I can talk with and have found a couple locally that I am going to make face to face contact with in the coming weeks, which will be a relief. I also joined the LGBTIQA Elders Australia group has also been very helpful with starting discussions with people my own age with similar experiences.

Unfortunately my wife hasn't spoken with anyone about what is going on which is really starting to worry me as I feel she needs some sort of support but won't seek it out.

I do understand that it's difficult for her to communicate with anyone about this as it's still pretty raw but there are a couple of other people I shared with that I hoped she might make contact with but not so far.

Not sure if she ignoring it and hoping it will go away or refusing to deal with it, I don't blame her in anyway for how she's dealing with it but I think it's unhealthy. We talk all the time about everything else in our life but this I wish that she would reach out to someone but it's not her way.

The point is that this isn't just going to go away after suffering for so long with GD. I still love her very much but I don't think it's mutual at the moment it feels more like just friends, which is better than nothing.

Hope everything is well in your world, all I can do for now is follow the process and see where the journey takes me, It's hard having to wait for everything start but it's the way the system works as it's over loaded and in dire need of extra resources. I guess having to wait a couple of months is nothing having waited 50 years to begin my journey.

Kara

[Kara01]

Well things have changed I followed up yesterday with Shine about my call back about my appointment with the councillor only to be told the reason I had a call was because I hadn't submitted my mhcp.

This is totally incorrect as I only spoke with the coordinator last week and they confirmed that all was good and they had it.

Now I have lost two weeks with no action and I have to madly re-submit my plan again and hope that they don't loose it or it doesn't get there.

I two weeks is a long time but right now where I am at it feels like a life time as I am feeling more isolated than prior to coming out and desperately need to talk with someone face to face.

Sorry to sound so desperate but it's just where mental health is right now.

Kara

[Jo8049]

Hi Kara , how very disappointing about MHCP . So sorry you have to deal with that .

Totally get the isolation to . Are there any trans groups locally that you might contact ? Just an idea . I live a very long way from nearest trans groups so has not been an option for me but one I would have investigated if I was much closer to them .

look after yourself and we are here to .

Jo W ( hugs )

[Kara01]

Hi Jo I have been reaching out to various groups my timing has just been a bit off and missed the last events and there nothing until July but I am keeping in contact with the group.
The unfortunate problem for me was that I miss understood what it meant when my wife and sisters said that they would support me.
I thought that would mean that I could share any good news about what was happening and also occasionally some not so good news.
The reality of the support never happened as I tried to reach out and share a couple of things with them only to be rejected because they weren't ready to deal any new information and was also told that they were grieving this I didn't understand as I am not dead. I haven't had any physical changes as I haven't started any treatments. My wife refuses to deal with it and things have been very tense, nearly separated yesterday. I refused to give in and we sorted some of the issues out this morning.

My sisters haven't spoken to me since the rejection so this is why things haven't been great in regards to being able to communicate with my family.

Spent yesterday talking with beyond blue councilor for about 1hr and spoke with lifeworks which is a company funded service and made a booking with a councilor for next week.

So due to the mhcp problem I still haven't been able to speak with a councilor from Shine which is something that I feel I really need right now.

Once again I waiting on a appointment to speak with the doctors at Shine but that is still along way off approximately 2 month wait.

I don't know what more I can do to get on top things I just keep trying.

At the moment I feel like I done something bad and am being punished for it. Me coming out was supposed to relieve the burden I have carried and be something good. All I seem to have done swapped my GD burden for isolation and no one to talk with.

I told my wife that all of the people I have reached out through the forum and Facebook groups know more about what is happening than my family.

I have tried to get them engage and look at some of the web sites etc but none of them are willing to do.

The main feedback I got this morning was that my wife can't cope with the physical changes, seems this is the biggest issue and well being seems secondary I keep saying I will still be me but wearing different clothes etc but the fell on deaf ears.

Once again thanks for being there for me.

Kara

[Lillylane]

Dear Kara, first of all - big hugs! I can hear how painful it must be when the response from loved ones is not what you had hoped for at this time.

A lot of what you’ve written about is familiar to me and my partner’s situation and I really feel for you.

Things with family will feel most turbulent now, but it will settle with time.

I feel terrible that my reaction 2 years ago was not great when my partner said she wanted to be called ‘mum’ instead of ‘dad’.

Things are very different now. A lot can change for the better.

We’ll be here for you.

My partner is just about to come out to people at work and feels nervous but at the same time ready.

I’ll write a little more again later tonight.

Lillylane