Youngest son doesn't want to have anything to do with me

[Nene]

I was married for 30 years. Lost my eldest son 13 years ago. He was the child of my first marriage. Have another son from this marriage. He is 29 married with 3 children. Youngest son doesn't want to have anything to do with me. There were issues between my daughter in law and me. She doesn't want him to contact me. I don't see my grandchildren now. My husband blames me and we separated on March 30 this year. Last Friday he told me he is planning to have other relationships. Well that's ok, he has moved on but the woman he wants to embark on a relationship with is or rather, was quite a close friend of mine and she is a very close friend of my sister. I feel quite betrayed. He thinks I am being unreasonable and that I'm "ruining his life." I don't know what to think how. I feel guilty that I let him know I was distressed about it. I insisted that he let her know that he had disclosed to me who she was.  He told me that she didn't want me to know about the possibility of their relationship. I would really appreciate any thoughts about whether my reaction was normal. 

[Paul]

Hello Nene,

Thanks for sharing your thoughts and reaching out.

I really can't see anything abnormal about your reaction and I'm sure that you would eventually discover who he is seeing. It's all out in the open now - which I feel is a good thing, everyone can find their place and begin to move on.

How are you feeling about daily life?

Paul

[Nene]

Thank you for your reply Paul. Daily life is a bit of a struggle. 2014 was my annus horribilus. I had given my daughter in law a job. Long story short, it didn't work out. I ended up leaving my job last November. I support and provide some care for my sister who has a chronic illness. She was living with us but had her own space in the house. After my husband and I separated, we moved 7 weeks ago to a different area. 2,weeks after the move I had to have emergency gall bladder surgery. All good now. But some days I struggle to stay out of bed. I have taken anti depressants since my son died in a road accident on his 21st birthday. Normally I'm quite resilient but it has been hard to deal with this. I guess I feel like many others whose marriages have broken up. But I can't bounce into relationships after only being separated for only 6 months. I'm shocked that my husband can. Also shocked about how heartless he has become - and my youngest son too. I did give him and my daughter in law about $50,000 over the last 6 years because they were struggling financially. It hurts to be so summarily dismissed from his life. Oh well, it will pass I know. Everything does.

[Paul]

Hi Nene,

Thanks so much for your reply and sharing your burden.

It sounds like there are a few people around you grieving, including you. The loss of any relationship takes a lot of getting used to. You mentioned shock at how your husband can move on to another relationship so quickly, I wonder if this is the start of a process of grieving for the loss of the relationship and the changes that come along with that. 

My heart goes out to you at the loss of your son, I can't even begin to imagine what that would be like, but I know it would be quite a shock to begin with.

Nene have you thought about talking to someone professionally about what you're going through at the moment? Do you have a regular doctor or counsellor that helps you manage your depression? There are a lot of resources at the bottom of this page if you need to find someone.

Of course, that's only a suggestion and I know that writing your thoughts and feelings in the forums can be very helpful. Sometimes both a professional and the forums can be wonderful for helping get through some really tough times.

Take care

Paul

[Nene]

Hi Paul

 yes I have decided to seek professional help. I think it will help me make sense of it all. I did some analysis on myself a few weeks ago, my bad points, good points etc. that helped too. 

 thank you for responding to me. It has helped me to not feel alone.

[Paul]

Hi Nene,

We're all in this together! Please keep us up to date with how you are going. It's an honour that I could just be there and help you feel less alone.

 Paul

[Nene]

Hi since I posted last, I have had to relinquish my dog. So very sad. I miss him a lot. My husband is very defensive about his new relationship and is always angry when we do speak. He is going to visit our son this week and the grandchildren. I tried to ring our son today but he didn't pick up or call me back. I guess I feel left out. My son said he is happy to see me after summer and I can see the grandchildren then. I am trying very hard to create a new life but I can't seem to get over the misery of the complete breakdown of my family. I tried very very hard with my daughter in law. I definitely made mistakes when she decided that she didn't want a relationship with me and I should have handled it differently. But after endless soul searching, analysing my own flaws, I don't think I said anything that warrants this. My youngest son said I think everything is about me, my grief when my eldest son died, not being around enough for him. I worked away from home, no choice, as my husbands work wasn't stable. When I was home at weekends he would stay with friends. He was 16 when my eldest died on his 21st birthday in a car accident. I don't think my youngest has been able to grieve properly. It's hard feeling so blamed. 

[Paul]

Hugs Nene,

I'm sorry that things aren't looking up for you at the moment. Keep hanging in there. 

You mentioned professional help in a previous message - has that progressed for you?

Paul

[Nene]

Yes I have a telephone counselling appointment in the morning. I've made a list of things to do tomorrow, including a walk on the beach, which I've avoided doing because of not having my dog anymore.  I am determined to beat this. I've also made contact with a group where live blues and jazz music is played. Thank you for your hugs.