New Relationship

[Sammy_A]

I have just started to date this guy who has severe depression and PTSD and I'm a bit wary if I am ready to fully commit to the relationship. I am a happy and healthy person, however I'm worried by getting into this relationship it could change who I am. I have been researching about depression and strategies to cope with their illness and I believe I would be able to deal with it. But there is a side of me that is confused if I want to take all his worries and issues. From what I've read I understand there will be times when depressed people would push you away, resent you, hide away.. What do you do in those type of situations especially if it occurs at the beginning of the relationship? This guy has had a previous relationship that messed him up even more, which he has told me is preventing him to fall in love again to avoid being hurt.. what can I say to reassure him I'm not like his ex or ever will be

To top it all off going away for a two month trip at the end of the year.. Should I get into a relationship with him before I go or after I come back??

I would love to hear what you have to say 

Thanks

[Nene]

I would slow it all down. You said you are dating; is this relationship moving too fast? Has he been diagnosed? What supports does he have in place? Can you step back and objectively analyse how you want to proceed with the relationship? What has he done to resolve the issues with his previous relationship? No answers sorry, but I hope the questions help. Also may be worth talking to a professional yourself so you can guauge how you will look after yourself too.

[bluefinch]

Hi
Sammy, 

As a man who has been on the receiving end of this type of
decision, I thought I would reply. I'm 29, have depression, and have had a
woman end things due to her reluctance to continue into a relationship. 

I'd like to acknowledge just a few things from your post. The
first being that a relationship could change who you are. Yes, a relationship
will always change who you are (regardless of who it is with), and that is part
of the joy of a relationship. Being around someone who is depressed will not
make you depressed, though certainly it will challenge you in a way that maybe
you've not been challenged before. However, people with a mental illness often
have tremendous strength in other areas (e.g. compassion, creativity,
perception), perhaps a reason you enjoy his company? These things help us grow.
Similarly I'd like to say that mental illness is 1 in 5. Even if you were to
enter into a relationship with someone else, there is a decent chance they will
also experience similar challenges to this person you write about. 

You will not be 'taking all his worries and issues', let's be
clear, they are his issues. While you're there for support, his thoughts do not
become your thoughts. Relationships are two way streets, if you find yourself
doing all the giving, that's not going to work out well. 

There may be times when he may push you away, similarly times
when you will need space. I'd like to think this is true of all healthy
relationships. The truth is that you will not complete him, and he will not
complete you. Noone can live up to this kind of pressure. A relationship is a
journey together, not a melding of two people into one. You're going into the
relationship because you enjoy, appreciate, are attracted to, the other person,
not to fix them or to fix yourself. There are challenges with everyone, though
a compassionate person like yourself probably knows this. 

There are many 'what if's', but it does not do well to dwell on
things that have not yet happened. He may want space, he may want you closer, he may want cake. All you can do is be understanding, and honest, and that is likely all he expects too.  

Your two month trip; follow your instincts. What if he finds
someone else while you're away? Again, the 'what ifs'! The truth of the matter
is simple, would you rather be with him now than reading this? 

Take what I have to say with a grain of salt, I'm a broken
man... 
 

Good Luck Sammy. 

 
.Finchy

[Sammy_A]

Thanks Finchy for replying 🙂 means alot

 I agree with everything you said.. I know that every relationship is unique. This one probably being more unique than others. I suppose life is about taking risks 🙂 I do care about him alot and I want this to work.. It really is just up to him.

 What would you recommend in telling him I'm here for the long wrong.. what would you like a girl say to you?

[Sammy_A]

Thanks Nene for replying 🙂

Some aspects it is going too fast, and we have talked about, we are quite open with each other. Yes he has been diagnosed. His family support him and his close friends. I can step back but I believe it is him who is hesitant. He hasn't resolved the issues with that relationship and I dont think he will :/. 

[Sammy_A]

long run*

[Nene]

Great that he has support. It sounds like you feel ok about hanging in with the relationship. I think he has some work to do to resolve his feelings about his ex. If you can enjoy each other's company, laugh, have fun, that may be all you can do for now.