Wife's work travels, Trust gone ... explain

[JONNO1]

Hi all ,

I'm sorry to be here , have know where else to go . Simply , partner is a corporate exec , travels alot , last year she travelled for 8 mnths , came back on weekends . I'm a chef and work 14+ hrs/day ; she spent sat/sun at her horses. I have Sundays off , not interested in horses. So therefore I'm told I have to fit into her life.(been together for 3.5 years). She comes home then spends 1hour watching Tv , doesn't want to go out, I cook a great meal ,but lucky to get a thanks.

Problem , WHEN she's away she'll call me most of the time @ 12-1230+ drunk as ....saying I need to socialise .

I look after dogs/cats/horses etc while she's away with no thanks at all. Do all the housework , plus outside. Am I whinging, but wait.

THIS TIME .... she sends me a text saying "Going for dinner call you after" .... 1am comes , again drunk as (recorded=cause she always says she wasn't , saying her friend/co-worker looks like he's getting micro-managed out of the workplace. I said who else is travelling , reply , > no one just us (on going for 2 years. I simply said does it take 7 hrs to have dinner. She raises her voice , in background is a voice saying things angrily. I know it seems clear , but I don't want to beleive it.

How do I feel now , gutted , why me , the usual (AGAIN THERE IS MORE IMPORTANT ISSUES HERE , AND APOLOGIES).

I've done nothing wrong , feel like there is nothing left , battle major depression for along time now , someone help. I'm a good person.

[geoff]

hi JONNO//, can I welcome you to the site and no your not whinging at all, just venting.

Having a partner travel for 8 months means that you are left alone by yourself, trusting that nothing happens while she's away, but when she rings you at a late hour and intoxicated it causes great concern for you.

You're told to fit into her life and she does what she wants while she's away, I'm sorry you feel disappointed because maybe the trust has been broken.

It must be very difficult working 14 hours a day as a chef with these thoughts plaguing you every moment of the day and struggling with depression is only going to compound on you so much more, so please make an appointment with your doctor.

You do an incredible job with no thanks at all, that must be difficult to accept and you don't have to apologise at all, those on the site are here to help those who have been through similar situations.

Hope to hear back from you.

Geoff.

[Juliet_84]

Hi Johnno,

It sounds to me as though you and your partner have very different expectations of what you want in a relationship. It sounds as though you want a partner who you can do things with, share things with, best friend type of situation, whereas your partner essentially wants to live two separate lives but together. I’m not criticizing either one of those, as I know a lot of people who want the first type, but I also know people who want the second. I won’t comment on the trust issues/travelling as you would know have a better idea than me what’s going on there. But her behavior is obviously not filling you with confidence.

I think in this instance, you need to take her advice. Start building up your own life, this will have the dual benefit of keeping her off your back but also allowing you to reestablish some interests outside of the relationship that you will feel more comfortable leaving if it comes to that. Given that you say that you do everything around the house and get no thanks, I’d stop doing that as well. Sure, look after what you need to, but I wouldn’t be busting my butt for someone who’s not appreciating it.

[JONNO1]

Thankyou very much Geoff , it means alot ; I usually try to work these things out myself , but last year nearly ended me (as in just give up and walk away) ; she comes back tonight and I will be reading the riot act per se , politely , I'm better than this ,love her as I do, I'm not a butler/housekeeper/animal carer 24/7 . Working 70plus hrs a week with no home front help, time to either sort it out with her and find out what is going on , or just leave. Gut instinct yields the latter.

[JONNO1]

Thank you Juliet, this also means a great deal; you are right , she has said , I'm not a princess that comes running ... But in turn I'm not a househusband etc 24/7 while your out drinking and"working away", then I get abused on the phone etc when intoxicated. Appreciate your comments , they really do hit home(accurate) . Thankyou again , so greatly appreciated , your bang on target . Take care .

And Thank you to this forum & Beyond Blue.

[geoff]

Hi JONNO//, thanks for your reply and you do work long hours both at work and at home without much appreciation, so maybe the latter as you say might be the solution, but at least have a talk with her.

Geoff.