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Why bother

Community Member

My husband walked away from our marriage in November after nearly 18 years together. I never saw it coming. He said a whole heap of nasty things. I just took it all and never retaliated we have gone through the courts for our settlement and I thought things would get better. In April my daughter and I got an intervention order as he verbally and physically assulted her. He has been verbally abusing me since this all started. I cannot get my head around how someone can change like he has. I went back to court yesterday to have the intervention order changed. He did not turn up but sent a letter. The judge read his letter but I was not allowed to say what he had done. In the last week we discovered he was accessing my daughters emails and then on Tuesday he wiped he phone. She was using his old iPhone The one thing I have discovered is that our court system sucks. I fully understand why people get murdered. It is just not worth all the effort when he walks away from everything he has done with no consequences I just can't get past this I know I need to get on with my life for my daughters sake but it is so hard I can't stop crying it turns out he had some one else who was supposedly my friend as well I have stopped talking to friends as I just get the feeling they all are sick of hearing about it I am trying to keep my home for my daughters sake but he is making it harder and harder everything he does costs me money my daughter is 16 and is just amazing she is so much stronger than me I hold it together while she is around but during the days she is at school and I can't do anything but cry he walked away and is now living with his best friend as he calls her he thinks we are all stupid and don't know what's going on.

15 Replies 15

Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member
Hi @April61,

My name is Raman and welcome to the Beyond Blue forums.

Thank you for taking the courage to reach out and I've read your post and are sorry to hear about all that both you and your daughter are enduring.

My father left my mum after 25 years of marriage and two sisters and myself when I was 17. IN fact he had an affair with a close family friend who was also married and had kids I went to primary school with. He left without saying goodbye and just packed his suitcase, took all the money from the bank accounts and flew away to India.

Divorce definitely took its tool on my mum, my sisters and even myself. I know the feeling won't lie to you but simply say that it takes time and isn't something overcome over a few weeks or even months.

There is always injustice however I am a firm believer of karma. It sounds like you are doing the best you can and taking all the necessary steps to protect both you and daughter.

What is great to read is that you are strong and keep a brave face when you are with your daughter. You're only human so it's completely fine and normal for you to cry when she is not around. Your enduring a lot both mentally and emotionally.

I'm here if you need and happy to speak more. As for your friends getting sick of hearing about what your telling them I should hope not. If anything your true friends will contact you to see how you are going and making sure you're alright 🙂

Hope things get better and here if you need 🙂


Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi April & welcome to beyond blue,

I've been cheated on so I know what that feels like. He makes me sick to be honest as I'm sure he does you. He's behaviour is intolerable.

Also, my parents divorced when I was 16 so I've been in that boat also with an abusive father back then. I stepped away. I felt it was the only thing to do so I didn't have to hear it.

I agree with the whole why ppl get murdered. Unfortunately you have to be more than just under threat for action from police to take place. Don't want to scare you just over how it is, its scary.

I'm also sure your friends aren't sick of it. Lean on them, it sounds like the more support you have the better so I'm sending mine.

Youre daughter is strong which is amazing and so are you, please don't forget that.

All will be well in time.

Feel free to write more if your up to it. I use these pages as therapy and to gain support. Can be therapeutic.

Hugs oooo

Community Member
Thanks for reading I know lots of people are in the same position and plenty are far worse off. it just gets to me that after all the good work that is being done about family violence you go to court and the judges do back it up.

You know that the thingis I lost my dad last year to cancer and I did not cope well at all. When he told me people die all the time just get over it i realised that i needed to get some help. When i asked him if he would be there for me going forward he said no. That night he told me he could not stand the sight of me and get out of his life. That very quickly brought me back and I was not going to let him walk all over me. He was not happy. I got a solicitor to protect mine and my daughters future. That made him even angrier.

I am not angry at him for having some one else. The one thing I learnt from losing my dad is life is short and every one needs to be happy. If she makes him happy then so be it, lets all move on. He just keeps doing things that send me back to square one again. I know I will never have another relationship, i'm 56 and will never trust any one again. I put my heart and soul into loving him and will always love him, he is my daughters father. The daughter I was told I could never have.

Every one keeps telling me I need to get angry with him, but its just not me. To be honest I don't have the energy to get angry. I am just to tired. When he left I let him take most of the furniture and stuff from the house, its just stuff and stuff does not matter in the bigger picture. Thats another thing every one keeps telling me i should not have done.

I know I will eventually get through this, I have to for my daughters sake, but at the moment it seems like there is no end.

Community Member
It should have read judges do not back it up

U sound a little like me, I don't care sometimes either. Hopefully ur energy levels r good i.e you're not drained.

You sound pretty special to me ( I'm female BTW).

Similar boat still love my ex, we still talk, we are all good now, but, he put me through domestic violence. For him substances brought it out.

Condolences on the loss of your dad. Very hard thing to deal with esp with an emotionally neglectful partner at the time. With grief through my experience it comes in waves over ( it can take a long time). Years...

Some men are oblivious to what to do , others r great.

Are you enjoying other things in your life currently?

Apart from work I just spend time doing all the jobs around the farm. I cannot really afford to do much else. My ex has said we will never be friends. Ok well I need to get out but I just cannot face it at the moment

And u don't have to.

Lucky duck. I would love to be living on a farm as opposed to busy suburbia.

I offen drive out to those areas and love the fresh air. Pretty sure what I'm breathing in here isn't so healthy. Can I blame that on my poor choices, prob not though. I'll blame it on lack of experience.

You never know what the future holds for you. Day at a time I say! 🙂

Wish I was at a farm ATM.

Feel free to stay on board and stay connected.

Thanks for taking the time to reply. Here I am back crying again. It seems no matter what I try to do to get things sorted, there is always some one else putting up blocks to try to stop me. I have spent the last few days trying to get my head around what happened in court last week. I get it that there is a system and some are better at playing it than others. My ex played it perfectly. Now as I start to look ahead I discover that I need to get even more money than I planned on to pay him out. OUr daughter has braces and I now have to get them taken off as I cannot afford to keep up the payments. He is off partying with no regards for our daughter at all. I am not sure how long I can hold it all together