Wife cheated my fault

[Jon80]

Well start by saying I have a son to previous partner it did not work out no I have been with my new partner 11 years and I guess she has wanted to see a councillor for a while I didn't. we have had a lot of problems .i have neglected her and the kids. I shut my self out being selfish I guess just not helping with the kids much or just ignoring everybody .i work long hrs 6 days we have a nice house.

Now she has lost love for me and has been having an affair with her boss I found out when I took the our 2 kids this Christmas for a month over seas to ski and see family. We got back now I begged her for one more chance she said yes but she resents me still say she is not in love with me any more Now I'm doing everything giving her all my love and the kids and hoping she will stop seeing this guy out guilt. I know it's still happening. I am so destroyed I want to see these kids grow up so I'm giving my soul away hoping it all works out her parents said its my fault but said they don't want a broken family. They said just keep giving your love and she will soon stop cheating out of guilt. ...is it my fault should I stay or should I go into crazy mode and say she cheated I'll keep house and get kids once a week and she can live with this older man

[Lost1975]

Hi Jon,

why didnt u want to see a councillor when she did. I see she tried to work it out and she maybe feeling that she didn’t have you on board so she found love in her boss. This would be hard to take I know but I’m thinking you should leave as she is having her cake and eating it to. If she loves you she will come back but I’m not sure how she can build your trust back.

[geoff]

Hello Jon, this is a sad story that has affected you and the whole family and I'm really sorry and it's a shame counselling was not obtained earlier on, however, circumstances may have prevented this from happening.

After or while someone has/is cheating it's difficult for any relationship to return to normal because the love and the trust has to be returned so it needs to start from scratch once again.

I appreciate the long hours you have worked and realise that by doing this can prevent the relationship from growing together, that aside, it's disappointing that your partner has found solace with another person.

It's not an easy choice as to say who is to blame and I'm not going to say, the only problem you are trying to overcome is, time, trust and how the kids feel, who can talk to trained counsellors from Kids Helpline on 1800 55 1800.

I only say this simply because this situation has time and lack of cooperation going against it and would like to hear back from you.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[Betternow]

Hello Jon80

Your situation is one of the most painful events in a marriage. If I understand you correctly, you are accepting 100% of the responsibility for your wife’s affair. Your wife blames you, your parents in law blame you and you blame yourself. Stop right there. There’s an awful lot of blame being thrown around here.

It’s very noble that you accept responsibility for creating a situation that made your wife unhappy. So unhappy that felt the need to run into arms of another man and despite her affair being discovered, she is carrying forward with it, while presumably living in the matrimonial home with you.

I truly understand your pain and confusion but you have to accept that the entire dynamics of your marriage have undergone a profound change. Waiting at home hoping that one day guilt will stop her having the affair and returning to your arms is no solution. Even if her affair “ended”, the trust is broken. Some marriages can be rebuilt after an affair but those that are is usually when the unfaithful partner apologises, seeks forgiveness and takes positive steps to rebuild the connections. Your letter did not convey that any of things are likely to happen.

Your first obligation to devise a plan that ensures your children are looked after properly in a stable and loving environment. If that involves separating from your wife, then so be it.

By all means seek counselling to ensure that the separation is as smooth as possible and that adequate provisions for the children are given top priority. I know this is probably not what you want to hear but if your marriage has any chance of surviving, you must change the status quo.

Good luck and don’t hesitate to respond with posts if you need support, advice or just to have a rant.

[Guest_1584]

Hi op/

Sorry to hear your situation. But first of all l say no it's not your fault she had an affair. Yeah you did and didn't do all kinds of stuff , sure. But the affair is on her , she's snuck of behind your back and her own children , and gone on with that, while your still married , lt doesn't matter where the marriage was, she should've talked to you first , separated , and became a single woman first, even if you both go on living in the same house for the kids and given the whole situation and you time first too. So stop with this blaming yourself because your w sneaks off behind her families back.

The other thing is , it's not right to be loving right now to a women that's done that and is still doing it. civil and co existing for the kids , and l've lived it myself, yeah, but honestly now is not the time for more .

l can't anyway but don't want to try giving advice really even though l went through similar myself l'm no marriage counselor but l do know things like above from everything l read and learnt back when and that being her door mat never saved any marriages.

Sorry l can't be of more help.

rx