Wife asking me to engage with the situation with her lover

[DaveAM]

My wife and I been married for about 10 years having 2 children. She has been deeply in love with me so I have as well. She is very social person, active in her business with lots of friends which I know most of them. There has been one specific friend to whom my wife is in close relationship, beautiful woman , socialize person to whom my wife is in close relationship and they go out with other friends and collogues. She has been single, very professional and lovely person.  In the last 3-4 years, my wife travelled with her for work and short holiday with no issue. She also invited her few time to our house for dinner who spent the night at our house and leaving the next day. Couple of times, I asked her about her boyfriend or single situation which she did not feel comfortable to address my question so I forgot that. Few times in our summer house I asked her to come into the pool and swim with us and play with children which she denied for some reasons and I did not insist neither my wife. Around few weeks ago in our villa, my wife asked me as she and her friend would like to spend sometime in sauna later in the night and would like to be alone and talking which I did not see any issue. However out of curiosity, I approached the sauna and found something shocking. They were having a physical relationship.

She says she loves me and she does not want separation and I do not really know what to do.  She is asking me to be a part of this romantic relationship as she cannot break up with her friend. I am very confused and need help for next action.

[Croix]

Dear DaveAM~

Welcome to the Forum, I hope by looking round it gives you some food for thought.  Please do not think I'm any sort of expert on this type of matter, but would like to offer some thoughts. I do acknowledge the heart does not always behave sensibly and may be beyond a person's control.

The three most often reactions to a partner having an affair is: ignore it, pretend it dos not exist, or break the relationship. To engage with the other person is perhaps a bit more unusual.

As you love your wife, have children and have been together for 10 years it would have come as a earth-shattering shock wiht all your existing ideas about your family being under question. From your post I am thinking you very much value your family and do not wish it to fall part. Unfortunately it is your wife and her friend that are chancing it all falling apart, not you.

I do notice that it seems firstly this is not a new thing, it had being going on for a while behind your back. Secondly that your wife's friend does not seem to be over-keen on joining in with the family, and significantly you do not seem to have much of a peronal relationship with her already and  it is not her who is asking you to join with them, but your wife - so how does she feel? With you involved would hte freind make an effort long term to include you, or try to leave the whole matter, or try to alienate your wife from you?

So what exactly is you wife asking? To have a social and friendly relationship, to have sex, or to simply give tacit approval by allowing it to continue? Does her friend know she is asking?

Do you think any of these might work?

One thing that seems to be a casualty of an affair is truth and trust. Neither person came to you and explained what was happening, you found out by chance. Up until now this affair has been hidden from you, so do you feel you can trust your wife, and if not are you going to have a different relationship with her anyway, even if the affair for whatever reason ceased?

You do have kids to think of, and if for arguments sake you split up then they may have to live in a shared parenting situation, with one parent being with someone who seems reluctant to form a relationship with them. That might in fact in the new situation make your wife and her friend's relationship break part.

I can't advise or suggest any course of action for you except perhaps some counseling might help put things in perspective. I would suggest Relationships Australia (1300 364 277) if they have an office in your area.

I would think it might be wise not to have a knee-jerk reaction but take your time. Do you have anyone  in your life - family or friend perhaps - you tan talk this over with and be supported and not alone?

You know you are welcome here anytime

Croix

[therising]

Hi DaveAM

Not sure how to follow Croix's brilliant, thoughtful, caring and detailed reply to you but I'll give it a go, while also feeling so deeply for you at such an upsetting and confronting time in your life. My heart goes out to you.

At such an emotional time, with many mixed emotions, perhaps it's a matter of considering the facts, coming from a purely analytical angle

• Was there cheating involved before your wife eventually spoke to you? If so, is this something you can manage to work through or is dishonestly at this level a flat out deal breaker?
• Can you learn to work with or tolerate a relationship that has more than 2 people in it (more than just yourself and your wife)?
• While your wife may choose to identify in a way other than bi-sexual, for simplicity's sake I'll ask what you think about being married to someone who's revealed themself as being bi-sexual. Perhaps you're aware of a history here, before the marriage
• As Croix mentions, clarity needs to be gained when it comes to whether this involves your wife having 2 separate relationships (you and her and this woman and her) or whether it's about 3 people sharing a relationship together in a number of ways

I could go on but Croix's already covered a number of things.

Still from a purely analytical angle, if my husband of 22 years came to me and said 'I'm including someone else in our marriage', in my mind it would end the original relationship contract or agreement. About 25 years ago we entered into an agreement that there'd only be 2 of us in the relationship. The questions now become 'Do we start a new type of relationship and, if so, what does the spoken contract between us sound or look like and can my husband stick to it or will he break this one at some stage?'. Another question, 'While my husband might be able to happily live with what suits him, does it suit me in any way?'. Personally, I'm a monogamous relationship kinda gal. It's all definitely far more complex when there are kids involved because then it can become a matter of 'If this new kind of relationship leads to resentment, are my kids going to be living with my resentment and how is that going to impact them?'. Better for kids to live in 2 separate happy households rather than one house filled with resentment.

If your wife is someone who's in the habit of doing what suits her, perhaps this points to the ultimate question, above all else, 'Can I be in a relationship with someone who's in the habit of being largely self serving?'. That one's a whole other kettle of fish.

[DaveAM]

Thanks Criox.

Much appreciated.

I noticed my statement had been modified so it may not gone through the truth most likely.

When I found my wife in sauna, I noticed her friend is actually is a transwoman with a male part. She later admitted previous intercourse and full penetrations over the last couple of years with her trans friend. That makes my situation a bit more complicated so I thought I should give more insight,. Thanks, 

[Croix]

Dear DaveAM~

you are right, the fact your wife's freind is trans, depending on your peronal thoughts, may put a different light on the option I mentioned before of all three of you having an intimate realtionship, it of course still also depends upon your wife's friends 's attitude to you being included too.

It may make a difference about your thoughts of splitting up too. Please don't think I'm suggesting people who are trans are any less than anyone else  in society, unfortunately not all society currently shares my view and this could perhaps create an extra hurdle for your children if you have a shared parenting arrangement.

That being said if you are contemplating a split and shared parenting I think I would be asking myself is the other person an honest, kind and empathetic one wiht a degree of wisdom, much more important for your children's welfare than that person's gender identity.

Frankly I do not envy you having to make any decision about this.

Croix

[DaveAM]

Thanks.

Yes. During last few years I always looked at het friend as a woman with a just friendly relationship. My knowledge about trans people is not a lot and what i see here is a sexual relationship where a male penetration is happening with my wife. Since we found out, my wife has continued sexual relationship with her friend  and also discussed with her friend about the difficulty of the breakup with her and myself. My wife mentioned to me she only needs this friend for sex and to my understanding this engagement suggestion has initiated from her trans friend so if i get sexually involved in this relationship, the marriage would not broken. Her friend does not intend to move in or live with us and she will be sexually involved till the crush is over and he/she will move away. She/he has suggested by this way, I wont be hurt anymore neither the children.  I have been thinking about this but not sure how to reject or accept or move on      

[Robby60]

I can appreciate that if there was a prior expectation of monogamy on your part this would be uncomfortable but I don’t know if this is the case.

You say, "She has been deeply in love with me so I have as well." I'm not sure exactly what this means. You can know your own feelings for other people but you cannot know other's feelings for yourself.

My guess is that you'll have to be your own guide on how much you should discuss this with your wife and how productive or destructive doing so might be.

Marriages can survive affairs but it is not the same as a monogamous one. Plenty of parents have lived together but emotionally separate until their kids reach 18.

It seems to me it would do you know harm to quietly consider the practicalities of separation should one occur (without necessarily initiating one) and forming/building friendships and emotional support outside of the relationship would do you no harm. I can’t see that your morally bound to be faithful to your wife now.

I understand how hard a sudden change in a long term relationship can be, but sometimes we have to be able to emotionally stand alone (even if only in our own minds) and we can, even if we have some self-doubt.