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Confused need guidance

Con3used
Community Member

I'm in a long term relationship married with kids. Things are pretty comfortable and we get along great but part of me is feeling like the lust isnt there anymore.

This put more into context becuase I met another guy which my husband agreeingly knew about. 

 

The connection we had was magnetic And awoke something within me. I love my partner, and my family but the chemistry when we met was undeniable. I thought maybe it was a fantasy You know the grass is greener but the more and more i over analysed this strange relationship we developed and had going i knew there was truly something pretty special. 
 I really enjoyed being around the other man, the way he made me feel safe and understood. It felt he was there to help me, which he was. He helped me through a difficult time when I was feeling like there was no hope. He made me feel empowered and I appreciated that. He was so knowledgeable and I respected him. I guess it felt nice having a man i was attracted to treat me so well and he liked me for me despite all my faults (all the things my husband did too).

 

His feelings grew just as mine did but knowing i couldn't go any further he cut the ties to this weird relationship we had going. He was hurt but also understood the reasons to why i couldnt leave my kids. There was clearly more to this. He lived 2hrs away, widowed with two kids of his own. 

 

I can't explain how much i loved talking to him and simply being in his presence. It wasn't necessarily all about sex. It was way more than that.

I don't know how to figure out my thoughts. I'm so confused and I love my partner, and my family but at the same time I find myself breaking feeling lost as this other man has had such an impact on me for some reason. It's seriously frustrating that someone can consume my thoughts so much.

2 Replies 2

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi, welcome

 

An old man once said to me when I was single- "you know Tony, you could probably fall in love with one girl in every 25... the trick is that a soul mate is about one in 250".

 

That might make clearer your love and care for the father of your children and your lust/feelings for the other guy. It means that even myself, happily married for 13 years, sees a lady serve me in a take away and you can feel the vibes, that chemistry, that if I wasnt married I'd likely straight away ask if she had a partner... It's the same situation with psychologists or other medical people like Chiropractors that have patients come and they have the same feelings but much hold back for the sake of professionalism or their own marital situation.

 

So you are not abnormal and it reads that you feel some guilt - its why you posted I assume. It is immoral for others to read your situation and know that you've gone outside of what they consider a boundary but it is you and your life, their boundaries dont matter. But it all hurts doesnt it? What could have been. In a past relationship I had an old school friend that, well, pursued me. But I was living with a lady I loved. I ended up telling her "in another life maybe but not this one". Hence my boundary.

 

The final thing I'd suggest is that living with someone is often much different than an affair. I've read here a lot over 11 years of people wanting to return to their partners after the affair went south. 

 

I hope you are ok and repost anytime

 

TonyWK

therising
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

A warm welcome to you at such a challenging time in your life. I hope coming here offers you some sense of direction and revelation.

 

I think some people hold the potential to show us what can be missing in our life. Kinda like 'I had no idea how much I longed for the freedom to be myself, until this other person gave me that sense of freedom. I feel liberated. I feel alive, being me' or 'I had no idea how much joy was missing in my daily life, until this other person led me to feel pure joy every day. I can feel pure joy and it feels truly beautiful'. I suppose the question then becomes 'Why do I not feel completely free to be myself in my marriage; have I been modifying myself in certain ways?' or 'Why is an intense sense of joy lacking in my marriage?'. They're the kind of questions that can open a Pandora's box, with hundreds more questions inside.

 

From the perspective of biology or chemistry, we can feel what's going on inside of us. It's incredible when you think about it. Through dopamine we can feel excitement and through oxytocin we can feel a sense of connection. Personally, I'm a gal who's less about the workings of the human body and more about a soulful or natural sense of feeling. Either way, it's about emotion or energy in motion. It's the kind of energy you can truly feel coming to life in you and moving through you in different ways and to different degrees. From high end emotions or energies in motion to low end emotions, all can be felt and each has a name that best describes it. Whether it be love, lust, exhilaration or joy or distress, heartbreak, fear or hopelessness, each can be felt. To be a sensitive person can offer the ability to sense each energy/emotion deeply and easily at times. It is an ability that can feel more like a curse at times, that's for sure. I think when we meet with someone who brings so many of the high end emotions in us to life, this can lead us to feel truly alive. When we can feel life running through us in the form of joy, peace, liberation, excitement and more, the person who leads us to feel those feelings becomes the most attractive person or leader in our life and understandably so.

 

With you mentioning 'Things are pretty comfortable and we get along great but part of me is feeling like the lust isnt there anymore', how does 'comfortable' feel, compared to 'excited'? How does 'great' feel, compared with 'amazing'? As someone who's been married to the same guy for 22 years, I know how comfortable feels and I know how great (at times) feels, compared to excited and amazed. I think a new start in a long term relationship can sometimes begin with the challenge 'Excite me and amaze me'. Our partner will either rise to the challenge or they'll stick that challenge in the 'too hard' basket. Of course, it's a 2 way street. 'Are we both up to the challenge of beginning to excite and amaze each other in new ways?'. Excitement and amazement are the kind of emotions that fuel the soul and they can also bring about a sense of lust if exercised thoughtfully. I suppose another question could be 'What emotions do I love to feel the most?'.