where to now?
Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you for coming here and providing your post - a post with tough issues that you're having to face.
You say that he's been to counselling and is also on medication; yet, with both of these, you say that he's become worse. I guess I would ask two questions: (a) is he REALLY going to counselling sessions and (b) are you 100% sure he's on the medication. Be that as it may, the meds that he's taking may not be suitable to him. But that's a whole other issue.
It sounds like the relationship is basically is yourself and your two beautiful children and that it's been that way for a pretty long time. Then from time to time, your partner decides to show up. Not what I'd call an ideal relationship and sounds like you're not getting any support from him nor from his family.
At least I'm not hearing that he's bad or nasty to you (or the kids) - if it was, I'd be recommending/suggesting you leave straight away. OR actually just ask him not to come home again.
Do you feel that he'd be up for relationship counselling?? For him to get some professional advice (with you there as well) to try and get some spark back in your relationship.
I really hope that I've said something that has been of benefit to you. Also please get back to us - and keep checking as well, because there's a number of other excellent posters who hopefully will come along with better advice than what I've tried to assist you with.
Dear cole845, welcome also to BB.
Neil hit all the bases as often he does. It doesnt seem much of a relationship, part time husband if you are lucky. And it doesnt surprise me his parents are backing him like they are. They arent helping the situation IMO. And being in limbo isnt ideal for your health either.
Ask 10 people what they would do and you'd get 5 saying they'd leave him and 5 the other side-to stay. So its up to you. To save guilty feelings I'd sit him down without the kids and ask him about his medication, if he is willing to seek a review with his GP etc. I'd draw the line though. If there is effort and renewed commitment ok, but any further difficulty I'd be gone I'm afraid.
Sufferers of mental illness still have responsibilities and they have an attitude- bad or good. If its good most kind partners can live with them, bad and it makes life hell.
Good luck. It's tough with little kids but you must be strong either way.
dear Cole, well my friends are always on the spot straight away and always with great comments, suggestions and advice.
Are his parents interested in seeing the children and if so then they have to have a big think about what they are saying to you, because I would put a stop on them visiting them for a couple of weeks or so, just so they realise what on earth they are saying.
If he stays at his parents place then there won't be much chance of either seeing him or trying to help him.
I do understand that people with depression may have a pretend mind in that they and this would probably involve myself when I had depression, in that they say anything because maybe an answer is required of them.
Yes they still have responsibilities so what I would do is to write a civil letter, and this doesn't mean any harm on yourself because otherwise his parents will throw it away if there are too many harsh words, but explain to them that there are costs associated for where you are living that he has to contribute with, because you can't do it all by your own.
Can I ask how the kids feel about not seeing their father, and maybe grandparents and what it is doing for them, and how they feel about him not being home and helping you as well, even though he has depression. L Geoff. x
thanks neil, we have been to couples and both on our own, my issues are with him not being able to properly commit to me and the children, at times i feel we are not part of his family, and i feel his parents do sometimes treat my kids and myself differently. this is the third round of medication for him, he has not been to councelling this year as he has no money to do so. he has been quite nasty to me quite a few times. usually because he will not support me in anything that has to do with his family. last time he was gone for 6 weeks, everything was good for the first few months, then he reverts back to the sleeping angry, no motivation person who blames me for his failings
Hi again Cole845
I am a beleiver in quotes . in this case "you can lead a horse to water but you cant make him drink". in respect to him seeing his GP.
Once you have arrived at the point whereby in your mind you have tried everything in your power to swing him around and it does not succeed, you then MUST begin to take care of yourself and the children as best you can. This could include disruption. And your children are resilient as I was told when my children experienced my first marriage separation.
Put in place plans for a legal separation. Start proceedures to ensure you are to remain in the family home until it is sold. Make yourself and your future your priority without being unfair about it.
A trip to a family solicitor is the first step. And could mean a confrontation with him when he returns to stay at the family home. Hence a meeting at a neutral place is best. But if you have made this decision make sure your separation is legal and you can tell the police you have made steps to separate and you dont want him at the home.
Hope it doesnt come to this but your peace of mind must be sought. Time to be decisive and secure your future. Sometimes when a person realises you are no longer a soft touch and he will face child support, half the mortgage repayments legally and other responsibilities, he might wake up and stop using you.