Lost and lonely!

josie5 · ‎30-05-2014

My partner and I have been together for 18 months and most of it has been great. We are the best together and despite the 15 year age gap, we understand each other well. We had a couple of problems at the start of the relationship but we battled through. The first problem was I went to help my Ex who got hurt in a bar fight because I thought he needed an ambulance. I wasnt in love with him but being the person I am i cared for the well being of people i know/knew. This sent my partner angry but what made it worse is the next day i went and spoke to my ex for about an hour where nothing happened. Me and my partner was angry and wanted to go back to his place so we travelled back to my house where it all turned to custard and he flipped out because he thought i had organised my ex to come over. (that day i had minor surgery where i had 10 stitches put in my belly). Anyway i ended up calling the police on him because he made me scared. My friend called my ex on this night because i needed help. the next night my ex actually raped me.

Me and my partner got back together but i didnt tell him about it because i was ashamed of it. I lied about it all to him. I didnt fess up for another 12 months. He thinks i cheated on him when I didn't. I admit i have told him alot of lies about it and told some white lies (things that make no difference to anything) but right now he hates me and im trying to fix this relationship because he is the love of my life and yes we have been through some huge agruments over the relationship but i cant lose him. He is lost in this cycle of paranoia and has it stuck in his head that i have cheated on him when i know i havent and I'm being punished everyday emotionally. Ive had to cut out my family because they dont like him and he asked me to do it. Id do anything for this man and he cant see it. He thinks im lying to him but im not. The worst lie i told him was that i was pregnant once but that was to see the reaction id get from him and his reaction was "its not mine, Abort it" Everyone is saying just leave him but i can't, i love him too much. Help!

white knight · ‎30-05-2014

Hi Josie, Welcome to BB

I've read your post and there is no mention of any mental health issue.

I dont see any justifications for lying especially that you are pregnant when you werent. It just isnt the way to go.

However, just through my own life's issues I see that family counselling would only be beneficial.

good luck with that and hope your life is sorted.

HelenM · ‎30-05-2014

HI Josie

Things sound so difficult for you just now. I wish I could tell you the way forward but I'm not too wise on this. What I wanted to do was offer you this bit of support.

Take care

Debs

white knight · ‎31-05-2014

Hi Josie,

I feel I was a little blunt in my first post. I didnt likely come across as being helpful.

It seems like everything in your life has turned to ruin and you cant bare the thought of your partner leaving you. This requires help and I really do think counselling would help especially if both of you attend.

Seeking counselling means swallowing some pride and it also shows some courage. You can do it. even alone. I can recall getting counselling 25 years ago and some phrases still stick in my mind. It was a time when my imagination went rampant and my therapist kept asking me "are you being realistic"?. I ask myself often when my thoughts wander "am I being realistic"?.

So good luck and we'd like to know how you get on. cheers.

josie5 · ‎31-05-2014

We have our first counselling session by telephone tomorrow. He has mental health issues and he is asking me to fess up to all the lies i have told. I know i have but he doesn't believe me...what am i meant to do? i cant lose this man! leaving him to his own devices doesnt help, talking doesnt help. how can i prove to him that he can trust me?

white knight · ‎31-05-2014

Hi Josie,

As hard as it sounds, sometimes we have to live by our mistakes. Tell him only humans make mistakes. You might have to tell him you love him very much but you were more immature when you made those mistakes. He will have to make the decision to stay or not in your life.

You are not alone in your feelings of desperation and fear of losing a loved one. But you are also not alone in the fear of not being in control. If another person has the control and can, in one decision, split up the relationship, then you wont be in control.

All you can do is your best, fessing up, being honest and telling him you are in a transition period, a period of change in your life. And you'd love him to be part of that change.

The rest in in the lap of the Gods so to speak. But remember, if it doesnt work out the fact is that love can come around again and this new man might love you for everything about you....including your mistakes.

josie5 · ‎31-05-2014

i have a strong feeling he will always be like this. I dont know how to deal with it. My life is so crap and its not good in any facet. Im lost and no one can help. I am just young and naive!

white knight · ‎31-05-2014

Dear Josie,

There are sayings. One is "life is what you make it". But that also depend son things like finances and luck too. But overall positivity always wins out in the end. Negativity will end up in a well without a rope to haul you back up.

Yes, he might always be like this. People dont often change their character. You for example can change to be honest and improve your life but your character doesnt change much at all, only your values and your maturity.

Josie, please remember this. Every person you think of that has been married or defacto that has broken up once loved that person as much as you love this guy. And most of them eventually found another partner that was likely more suitable due to the lessons learned by the first and second relationship. So you would be no different.

No one has the answer for you in this regard. As it is a relationship issue try relationships Australia or some other family counselling. In the end you will get through it because you have no choice. That's life and life is hard, emotionally unbearable and financially a struggle for most. But good side is worth fighting for and you have a lot of living to do.

geoff · ‎01-06-2014

dear Josie, welcome to this site.

A couple of queries I have and you can answer them or not, but that's up to you, and there is no pressure what so ever.

I am concerned about the 10 stitches in your belly and I hope that it wasn't caused by any violence.

Once a couple break up it's then concerning for the partner you are now dating for you to go back and either help him or even see him because jealousy becomes an issue, and makes the relationship create a strain on it.

We all make mistakes and always will no matter what happens, but can I also ask why your family dislike him, maybe because he has health issues, so this then means that he needs professional help, and without this help then he won't be able to move forward, because he still believes that you have lied to him.

This issue is a very strong problem, and I'm sure he has also lied to you, but he has to be taught that reinsurance from you is worth your weight in gold, so to speak, but at the moment he can't see this, no matter how hard you try and convince him.

I certainly hope that the stitches were not caused by him or your ex, but this maybe an awkward choice whether to tell us or not, I hope that you feel secure here on this site, as there is no judgement made nor any criticism made against you or anybody else. L Geoff. x

josie5 · ‎01-06-2014

The stitches were because I had a laparoscope a month prior and the surgeon burnt my skin and I then developed a staph infection on that wound and the previous stitches just broke away because of the infection. The doctor had to re stitch the wound because the infection was getting worse.. My family dislike him because of the flip out he had at the start of the relationship due to my deception. Everyone has always been focused on the bad parts of the relationship never the good parts. This man is the best when he is not having these mood swings. He has been through a lot but is pushing the one person who loves him the most away. I have been battling thoughts of the worst for a while and it's getting harder. I have come to rely on having him in my life. I'm stuck and don't know what to do.