where to now?

cole845 · ‎31-05-2014

this is a long journey for me and i am now at a crossroads and dont know which path to take. my partner and i have been together for 14 years and have two beautiful children, 7 and 4. in those 14 years there has been lots of triggers that sinks him deeper into this giant hole which he cant and refuses to get out of. it has got to the point that in the last 9 months he has not been home for nearly three of them, instead choosing to hang around with some very unsavory people. to which he lies to me about. when he is home he is either asleep in bed or asleep on the couch. he has not worked for almost this entire period, he sees the financial struggle i am trying to deal with but does nothing about it, usually by leaving or creating an argument and then blaming it on me.he has recently moved back in with his parents, who refuse to acknowledge their son is "broken", so they just enable him to continue being in this state and basically turn a blind eye to him. i am now at a point where i am just waiting for a call that he has ended his life. his mother will not even take my calls anymore and if she does, i am the one to blame for his behavior. he has been to councilling, is on medication, but has gotten significantly worse, i feel i am the only one who can see it and the only one who wants to help him. i have become the enemy. i do love this man very much and was looking forward to a very bright future with him, but where to now?

Neil_1 · ‎31-05-2014

Dear Cole

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you for coming here and providing your post - a post with tough issues that you're having to face.

You say that he's been to counselling and is also on medication; yet, with both of these, you say that he's become worse. I guess I would ask two questions: (a) is he REALLY going to counselling sessions and (b) are you 100% sure he's on the medication. Be that as it may, the meds that he's taking may not be suitable to him. But that's a whole other issue.

It sounds like the relationship is basically is yourself and your two beautiful children and that it's been that way for a pretty long time. Then from time to time, your partner decides to show up. Not what I'd call an ideal relationship and sounds like you're not getting any support from him nor from his family.

At least I'm not hearing that he's bad or nasty to you (or the kids) - if it was, I'd be recommending/suggesting you leave straight away. OR actually just ask him not to come home again.

Do you feel that he'd be up for relationship counselling?? For him to get some professional advice (with you there as well) to try and get some spark back in your relationship.

I really hope that I've said something that has been of benefit to you. Also please get back to us - and keep checking as well, because there's a number of other excellent posters who hopefully will come along with better advice than what I've tried to assist you with.

Kind regards

Neil

white knight · ‎31-05-2014

Dear cole845, welcome also to BB.

Neil hit all the bases as often he does. It doesnt seem much of a relationship, part time husband if you are lucky. And it doesnt surprise me his parents are backing him like they are. They arent helping the situation IMO. And being in limbo isnt ideal for your health either.

Ask 10 people what they would do and you'd get 5 saying they'd leave him and 5 the other side-to stay. So its up to you. To save guilty feelings I'd sit him down without the kids and ask him about his medication, if he is willing to seek a review with his GP etc. I'd draw the line though. If there is effort and renewed commitment ok, but any further difficulty I'd be gone I'm afraid.

Sufferers of mental illness still have responsibilities and they have an attitude- bad or good. If its good most kind partners can live with them, bad and it makes life hell.

Good luck. It's tough with little kids but you must be strong either way.

geoff · ‎01-06-2014

dear Cole, well my friends are always on the spot straight away and always with great comments, suggestions and advice.

Are his parents interested in seeing the children and if so then they have to have a big think about what they are saying to you, because I would put a stop on them visiting them for a couple of weeks or so, just so they realise what on earth they are saying.

If he stays at his parents place then there won't be much chance of either seeing him or trying to help him.

I do understand that people with depression may have a pretend mind in that they and this would probably involve myself when I had depression, in that they say anything because maybe an answer is required of them.

Yes they still have responsibilities so what I would do is to write a civil letter, and this doesn't mean any harm on yourself because otherwise his parents will throw it away if there are too many harsh words, but explain to them that there are costs associated for where you are living that he has to contribute with, because you can't do it all by your own.

Can I ask how the kids feel about not seeing their father, and maybe grandparents and what it is doing for them, and how they feel about him not being home and helping you as well, even though he has depression. L Geoff. x

cole845 · ‎01-06-2014

thanks for the reply geoff, his parents are not willing to help me financially at all. i have outlined the difficulties i am facing with the mortgage and bills etc, they seem to think if i sell the house i will just go away and not bother them anymore.but with the cost of rent i am better to keep trying to pay off my own house. i am very hesitant about the children being at their home as i dont feel it is a good environment for them to be in. they all seem to be very blase about it and carry on playing happy families without me.the kids are ok, my eldest has seen a lot and understands dad is not well, i keep reasuring them i am not going away and i will be there for them, as for the youngest, he plays up alot when these episodes happen

cole845 · ‎01-06-2014

thanks neil, we have been to couples and both on our own, my issues are with him not being able to properly commit to me and the children, at times i feel we are not part of his family, and i feel his parents do sometimes treat my kids and myself differently. this is the third round of medication for him, he has not been to councelling this year as he has no money to do so. he has been quite nasty to me quite a few times. usually because he will not support me in anything that has to do with his family. last time he was gone for 6 weeks, everything was good for the first few months, then he reverts back to the sleeping angry, no motivation person who blames me for his failings

cole845 · ‎01-06-2014

im starting to get the feeling it is all my fault and i basically have zero support from his side and mine are sick and tired of his actions. and honestly i cant blame them, they have seen it at the worst and are so angry that he "runs" away to mummy and daddys, and they do nothing to help him. i am unable to contact them now as they dont answer my calls or text messages, i feel quite alone and helpless. i am considering a big relocation and im worried i will be labelled the so and so for taking his children away from him. they have not wanted or requested to see the children for a few weeks, which is hard as they always ask to go see them, i dont think im welcome there either, not that i would go there anyway. i am trying to keep things at home as normal as possible with regards to routines, which seems to be working. the problem with getting him to his gp is ive made appointments and he wont turn up.

white knight · ‎02-06-2014

Hi again Cole845

I am a beleiver in quotes . in this case "you can lead a horse to water but you cant make him drink". in respect to him seeing his GP.

Once you have arrived at the point whereby in your mind you have tried everything in your power to swing him around and it does not succeed, you then MUST begin to take care of yourself and the children as best you can. This could include disruption. And your children are resilient as I was told when my children experienced my first marriage separation.

Put in place plans for a legal separation. Start proceedures to ensure you are to remain in the family home until it is sold. Make yourself and your future your priority without being unfair about it.

A trip to a family solicitor is the first step. And could mean a confrontation with him when he returns to stay at the family home. Hence a meeting at a neutral place is best. But if you have made this decision make sure your separation is legal and you can tell the police you have made steps to separate and you dont want him at the home.

Hope it doesnt come to this but your peace of mind must be sought. Time to be decisive and secure your future. Sometimes when a person realises you are no longer a soft touch and he will face child support, half the mortgage repayments legally and other responsibilities, he might wake up and stop using you.

cole845 · ‎05-06-2014

thank you for the info, unfortunately is has now become more complicated. on friday he came to the house very agressive and demanded the children for the weekend, i became quite scared and asked him to leave. he did some damage to the property also. once he did finally leave he went to my sons school and caused a big commotion there. fast forward to monday, and my son was admitted to the childrens with a badly infected tooth, turns out it was quite serious, i thought i would do the right thing and message him to let him know the situation. its a hour drive for him, it took him 2 hours to get there and he brought his mother too. he seemed very concerned talking to our son, then accused me of having done harm to our son and causing him to be hospitalised, i asked him not to speak to me that way and his mother tried to put her two cents in, i asked her to remove herself, which she did, he became even more aggressive to me in front of both our boys, i walked out and asked for security to be called. his mother was sitting there and i was annoyed she didnt bother to respond to my message or calls about the situation of the friday, she got angry and told me i need help, i became quite verbal and he physically attacked me in front of 20 doctors and nurses and our youngest. they were removed by security and police called. he has now been charged with assult. it get worse, while my son was in surgery, his mother, brother, sister and himself broke into my house and ransacked it. they went through all MY personal belongings. i contacted 000 and he was arrested and charged for property damage. i had asked a friend to check on my dog as the gates were opened and i was concerned she would get out. she was confronted by his mother demanding their friendship was over and to not contact her son again( i find this deeply disturbing). she went home and half hour later his brother showed up at her doorstep accusing her of scoping the house and calling the police. she is pretty upset about the whole thing and it angers me as its none of his damn business. i cant believe they can support him when he is like this. his mother is so meddling. i will be asking for no contact from any of his family in regards to the children. these people are so demented and toxic its not funny. i can gurantee at this very moment they will still not be getting him the help he needs. and unfortunatly i do not feel the children will be in a safe environment with him or his family