I don't want anyone else

[eaura]

I have been with my girlfriend with 3 years, and we were not only best friends, but we found a strong emotional connection with each other, we understood each other on a level no one else did. I met her during a dark place, she showed me love like no one ever has, it was always mutual. I always had an issue with trust so I'd test her love without realizing and distanced myself from her out of fear of losing her. She ended up cutting contact with me, and got very nasty and verbally abusive with me, calling me every name under the sun. I know I was emotionally manipulative and see that I hurt her a lot, so I started getting help and have been seeing a psychologist, and I took her punches. I've lost the only thing in the world that I care about and I don't see any hope in living anymore. She has cut me off completely now, I have no way of contacting her, even to have a real sincere conversation, she wouldn't care if I ended my life. I've tried to help myself but it's obvious that nothing's working because she's still gone. I'm at the end of my rope.

[Neil_1]

Hi there eaura  

 I’m really sensing that something else happened in your ‘test/experiment phase’ with your ex.   Because to go from being best friends and understanding each other to the highest level and all things just so wonderful to then be hit with abusive messages, name calling and cutting off all contact with you.  

Ok, so you referred to yourself as being emotionally manipulative and that you hurt her a lot – I’m guessing this was also through that ‘test phase’.  As you probably well know by now, that test/experiment didn’t quite work out so flash.  

May I ask what advice your psychologist has given to you in regard to the above and for your future?  

 Oh, and how long has it been since you last heard from her??  

You say she wouldn’t care if you did something terrible – you were together for 3 years – I would suggest she would be hellishly upset if something awful was to happen.   But that’s really not the point here – the point is you’re in a very dark place at the moment and there needs to be mechanisms put into place to try to help you get through this dark phase.  

May I also ask whether you have your parents close by, or any other siblings??   You can see now how you’re feeling just by someone leaving you (but still goes on living) – but if you were to do something terrible, try to envisage what it would do to the rest of the family that love you and care for you.  It would rip them apart.  

Do you work or are you studying at the moment?  

I do hope that something in my post has helped you – even just a little bit, but also I would really like to hear back from you again.  

Ps:  and remember there is a phone number at the top of this page that is for crisis calls – and also a web chat line from 3pm to midnight that on the other end are trained professional counsellors to assist.  

Kind regards  

Neil

[eaura]

Thankyou for your reply. I know now in retrospect it wasn't the right thing to do, but she has cut me off and I've never found that connection with anyone else so I have no one else to turn to. I'd rather escape than move on. I haven't got the family, or the friends anymore. So I know it wouldn't have that much impact. 

The psychologist doesn't seem to know what to do with me. I think her focus is moving on and building up my own strength, but therapy only helps if you want it to help, and I'm not in a place to accept anything and just move on from this.

I spoke to my ex about a week ago, it's obvious she's done with me, she's been real hostile with me. But now I have no way of contacting her at all. Even when I'm in need of help. I know seeing a psychologist is kinda the last resort and has the highest success rate to help people but it hasn't worked for me, I give up.

[Neil_1]

Hang on there eaura

Firstly thanx for getting back with your latest reply.

NOW, the thing is, it was only ONE week ago, just 7 sleeps since you've spoken to your ex - obviously it didn't sound like an overly pleasant exchange, but it was the two of you talking - possibly for not very long.  Which then means it's now concreted over (kind of an analogy there).

At least now you know where you stand there - and that there's no possible hanging on or hanging around for something that will not happen.

Relationships come and go - people come and go - matching up with someone, can seemingly be hard - but I tell you, you'll be just damn surprised at how many people manage it.

It's interesting that your psyche isn't being of much use to you and providing you with no real hints/insights to how things are and for your future.  Very disappointing.

But man, don't give up - EVER.  Haven't got family or friends;  does that mean you've moved away from them all??

One week ago - things are really still raw for you and it will take time - but that's something that never stops - time.  It keeps tick, tick, ticking along.

So while I'm not going to say, ok, get out there and get into the hobbies/sports you love - for now is a grieving time for you - to get yourself over this relationship - and this process will take as long as you need.   But with each day that passes, each week, I know you will begin to feel better and who knows, what might happen from that.

For now though, just take it easy - lurk around here for a while or, um, was going to say put in strong days are your work or study, but I'm not sure which one.

But hey for as often as you like - post here, and post about your feelings, what thoughts are running through you head, etc - we'll be here for you.

Kind regards

Neil

[eaura]

I think that's what contributes to everything I'm feeling lately and right now, it's never been talked about concretely between the two of us. She lashes out and cuts contact but has before this continued to send mixed messages, her friend is in touch with me and tells me it isn't over so it's like I'm left suffering in limbo with no one to turn to, and with a history of bad behaviour, I deserve it in their eyes. I have the friends, but I've pushed them away during this as I've been getting the advice "you deserve better", that's what I'm saying is I want to reconcile with her, not away. But asking for forgiveness isn't possible. Thankyou again though.

[geoff]

dear Eaura, there's never an easy way to be able to get over a broken relationship, they all hurt, especially being on the receiving end, and it does dig deep into your heart.

It's always risky when you 'test her love without realizing and distanced myself from her out of fear of losing her', because they get the message that perhaps you want them to leave, when in fact you certainly don't want them to, so it puts you and them at a cross road.

It also doesn't matter if you have been together for a month or whether you're been married for humpteen years, the feelings are still the same the only difference when you're been married is that it involves much more complication in terms of mortgage, goods and much more, especially if it's been a messy separation/divorce.

It's easy for me to say but it's true that it may take a few different psych's before we find the one that understands our circumstances, and by people saying to you that 'you deserve better'' is really just a cop out by them, or by wanting you to cover this situation up by a band-aid, which of course never can solve our problem. Geoff.