Where do you start with a circle?

[dfdm74]

I was diagnosed with bipolar and I had intence counselling for it to the point I was off all medication for years.

However within the last year everything that could go wrong has gone wrong, I no longer talk to most of my children ( all adults now ) and since one of my sons girlfriend has been at my home things got worse.

I was going through a period of wanting to die so I sort help from my doctor, I guess admitting I needed help was a good thing. Anyway without having to go into everything as it would be to long of a post if I did, to cut it short one of my daughters wishes I was dead and though I have apologised for my bad peranting when she was younger she still throws my past in my face well she will tell anybody who is listening but fails to except responsibilities for her own part in our arguments then to top it of my sons gf makes living with her hard because she doesn't want to respect my house rules.

I have explained why they are in place and asked her more than once to abide by them but I feel really disrespected as she continues to ignore them.

But then they my son an the gf get angry at me because I told her once the car is fixed she had to leave and go home, since I'm unable to live with someone who just wants to be lazy all day every day.

I really don't feel I'm in the wrong, anyway I have so much going through my head I really can't just pin everything on my kids or the gf but can someone please tell me am I out of line for trying to protect my health and my mental health 

[Sophie_M]

Hey dfdm74,

First of all: Welcome to the Forums! We are glad you have found us here.

It sounds like you have had a really challenging year and it is totally understandable to be feeling overwhelmed by it all right now. We hope that writing it out here is helpful. 

We are sure that the community will jump in with their own wise words soon, but in the meantime we wanted to make sure you had some support. If you ever want to chat, please don’t hesitate to give the lovely Beyond Blue counsellors a call on 1300 22 4636 or speak to them on webchat here. Relationships Australia can be a good source of support, too. If you did want to reach out to Relationships Australia, you can call them on 1300 364 277.

Thanks again for sharing here. It is so important to take time to look after our own mental health when things around us are tough.

Kind regards,  

Sophie M 

[therising]

Hi dfdm74

I think unless people have faced certain mental health challenges, they can struggle in relating to the triggers. If they're less sensitive to our triggers, they won't be able to sense or feel them in the ways we do. It's like if a messy house is a trigger we can feel or people living in the house that aren't helping in maintaining that environment is something we can feel, it can be a problem if they can't feel those things.

I've found to lead someone to feel more, it helps to get into their imagination. For example, if you could think of something your son's gf has to have organised, so that she feels some sense of peace or satisfaction, it could involve maybe her make up draw for example. Maybe all the same colour eye shadows have to be together, all the brushes have to be in a certain section together and so on and these are her things no one can touch. So, you could say 'Imagine this. Imagine I used your make up based on giving myself the freedom to use it because that's what led me to feel happy. Imagine after I used whatever I wanted to I just put it back all mixed up, scattered throughout the drawer. Imagine that. How do you feel what you imagine? Do you feel irritation and anger? Now imagine I didn't care when you asked me to stop and I just kept on using your makeup'. I find it can be about leading someone to feel what a certain emotion feels like and having them relate through emotion.

I think it can be a little the same for mental health challenges too. For those who can't relate to depression, I would say 'If you want to know how depression feels come live with me for a month and I will do my best to make you conscious of a lot of what's depressing in this world. I would lead you to hear and feel every inner facet of yourself that can be depressing (through inner dialogue and emotion). I would lead the inner critic to be triggered in you, the victim in you that feels hard done by, some degrading facet of self, the part that has no sense of hope and the list goes on. By the time you leave, after a month, you will know what depression feels like to some degree'. Of course, never in a million years would I do this. That would be cruel, incredibly cruel but for someone who loves to rant about 'There's no such thing as depression. It's just about a lot of soft messed up over sensitive people', I would say to them 'May I suggest your poor judgement is based on you having never felt depression. Let me show you how it feels'. Same with bi-polar, with someone saying 'Let me show you how swinging from one extreme to the other feels. Let me swing you in the most intense ways I can find, while discovering every possible trigger that will swing you. And in the end, you can tell me how torturous it feels'.

While you've expressed your deepest apologies to your kids for past behaviours, they will never know the struggle based on never having felt it from your perspective. When it comes to forgiveness, my daughter and I have exchanged perspectives in regard to the both of us having struggled through the earlier years when it comes to us facing my periods in depression and a lot of what came with that. I never knew how much she struggled and she never knew how much I did until we began to openly speak about it and share the experience.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I'm bipolar and I can relate to much of what you posted.

I think the most important thing with bipolar is acknowledging its limitations, its effect on ourselves and others and finding the right balance of human contact and realising tolerance. Along with medication, more on that later.

We do have less tolerance for other people. Living with someone is a challenge even someone compatible as our mood swings means even a compatible person will be subjected to conflict. A lazy person will never imo be suitable. I've had a ex wife that was really lazy. I ended up working 3 jobs and caring for two toddlers in nappies more than she did, of course the marriage ended.

With any mental health issue those that dont have one or aren't understanding nor empathetic, wont realise what the real issue is, they will just compare with the non mental illness world. Therefore I wouldnt expect others like your adult children to understand.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/relationship-and-family-issues/they-just-wont-understand-why/td-...

So, I suggest with your children that you try to get a get together once, twice, three times a year and keep a distance between you and them, quality not quantity means less arguing and more happiness.

During my experiences with bipolar I'm not of the view you can go through life without medication. The mood swings are too great. I suggest you consult your GP again because medication limits those swings, not down to a level of normality but to a far more acceptable level. 

I hope that helps. Reply anytime.

TonyWK