WHEN THE PERSON CLOSEST TO YOU LEAVES YOU BECAUSE YOUR DEPRESSED

[Maca74]

Hello everyone out there. I posted a few days ago and thank you for your comments and encouragement.

Well it finally happened my wife gave up on me. I have been suffering from Depression and Anxiety for over a year. You can read my story from a couple of days ago. I would consider myself at the remission of depression if there is such a thing. I just got a new job which I love. I finally got my head in a good place.

Then WHAM!!

I have had enough ! I don't love you any more ! You are selfish ! I want to have fun! Etc etc

So for all the people on this site in a similar situation or think you are heading that way. Here are my words of wisdom. Remember I am not a Doctor I am mearly stating what I know.

The best thing you can do for the person you love is to educate them. As I found out sometimes they won't do it them selves and end up just being angry and confused.

Tell the person in your life that it is not personal. It certainly wasn't with me. My issues had to do with a custody battle and work, but impacted the rest of my life. 

Communicate  with your wife/ husband or friends and let them help. If they truly care as most of them do they can help you get through your bad days.

Seek medical advice from your GP. Be open and honest about how you are feeling and don't be embarrassed it happens to more people than you realise.

The biggest mistake I have made in the past 12 months is to educate myself and not others. Kept my important emotions to myself or only shared with my psychologist .

I now have a wife who is angry at me and at the world. I feel responsible. I am sure this could have been prevented. Any one out there feeling the same. Please share as I would love to hear your thoughts.

[white knight]

Hi Maca74,

I'm not in that situation but I was in a similar situation in 1996 after 11 years of marriage, two young children and a lazy wife that I worked 3 jobs so she could stay home and be with the kids. In the end I ended up doing all the chores as well. Lucky I was a good cook to or I'd starve along with our kids.

Anyway, your statement of educating others I dont really agree with based on my experience of friends and family showing no desire to learn.Didnt you know Maca- "life is for fun, fun, fun" as one friend said. That was one response to my approach to him to seek his understanding about my mood swings. And "whatever your problem is- lighten up" from another.

I now realise that 80% of people dont get it or dont want to get it. Yes, thats a huge percentage and I'm convinced I'm not exaggerating.

Based on that, you should not blame yourself or have regrets. Often things happen in life for a reason and incompatibility is often overlooked as the hidden reason a relationship failed. Certainly if your wife wants fun and you are ill then her exit could be a positive that you might see more clearly as time goes by.

Oh, and by the way....I remarried with a lady that is in for the long haul, does her fair amount of work, understands my issues as I do hers and I adore her.

So hang in there. Think positive and expect time to be used for recovery.

It sounds like she was the selfish one....

Tony WK

[Mystikmind]

Currently my wife of 6 years and best friend of 10 years is divorcing me and we have a 3 year old daughter.

 It is a very common story, the man does not help around the house enough and he does not show he cares enough. The woman becomes more and more distant and the man gets even more distant and on it goes.

Even still, i have always been dedicated to my wife and child, i will always happily do what she asks of me (but it is the thoughtfulness to do it without asking that she wanted) I never get angry over money and all those things, i am a peaceful and quiet person. Even though we only had sex twice in the last 3 years, i never considered cheating, but what i should have done, is sort help for our problems. Funny how people never seek help.

Anyway, so my wife told me the marriage is over. Then i realized that i did not know what i had until she is gone! So i admitted my failings to her and asked for a second chance, i did allot of research and all that, i told my wife i am willing to do anything to try to make it work, i will go to counseling, i will do relationship courses, dance courses, anything.

Not only does she refuse to try to save the marriage, she will not look at any information relating to how to save a marriage. And i have found plenty of examples of marriages with the same problems we had, she says "i am not interested in other marriages, i only know the way i feel".

It is so sad, there is no chance for us because her mind is closed. I never thought the woman i married, my best friend in the world and mother to our 3 year old daughter would be capable of this.

She is still very friendly towards me and talks to me about every day things and wants to maintain a good parental relationship with me, but deep down i have lost my respect for her, to me she will always be the woman who refused to try.

I am devastated, i am devastated for our child and for her, i don't want her to become another member of the disposable marriage generation.

[Maca74]

Thanks for sharing.

It is a shame that people don't understand what we go through. My wife thinks I was on a 12 month holiday. I was always supportive around the house I did all the cooking and cleaning etc. I guess I couldn't give her the one thing she wanted , which was the man she married.

I am at a point now that I feel sad for her. She never tried to understand or support me emotionally  and just blamed me for how I was and how it made her feel.I often wonder "if I had Cancer or some other illness that you could see if I would have been treated differently ." Of course I would ! 

So at the end of the day I will move on. I have a new job ,a great son and supportive friends. My wife says she needs to reassess her life. So that's what she is doing and I am doing my best to deal with my head space. Every day is a challenge but also a victory. 

[4_luv_of_Brian]

I really feel for you, I battled five years with my partner and was fully supportive and stayed with him despite what my friends advice was, it was because I loved him and I would have pushed heaven and earth for him to get better even taking him to my uni class so he wasn't alone thus in one hour I did leave him he did take his own life I still have questions with no answers but I am proud of you for having a positive attitude to move on and friends and family are always very supportive. Chin up one day at a time  xx

[Mystikmind]

Thanks Maca74

I was thinking allot about why my wife refuses to try to work it out. The reasons she gave were basically a load of balony that just did not make sense. The way i see it, no matter how bad it gets (violence excepted), what does it hurt to at least try? We have never tried separating before, and all that, ahh, we never even talked about breaking up before, then all of a sudden its over and she wont consider trying to work it out?

There were a few key things she said to me that brings everything into perspective. She said she wants to live her dreams, she said she wants the happy outgoing jet setting career ambitious lives that she sees her friends have.

 So it is now quite hard to deny the obvious reason she does not want to try to work it out, it is because she wants someone else, either the reality of or the idea of, i don't know, but it is someone else she wants. I would also consider a woman saying she want's to reassess her life, to be code for a similar way of thinking.

[Mystikmind]

That is so sad,

I once dated a girl who was likely 'at risk'. She was a compulsive liar and exhibited destructive behavior towards our relationship. There was a deep dark hole of horrendously low self worth in her feeding the destructive behavior, and then the destructive behavior feeds back to damage their self worth even more. It is a very destructive cycle that all too often ends in suicide.

I fell into some kind of total obsession to try to help her and to try to make the relationship work, like you said, i would have moved heaven and Earth for her. But she ended up moving overseas so i managed to wake up from my obsession and i did not keep in touch with her after that.

[BELLE11]

Hi Maca74

thankyou for your post. I am a partner of a depressed man and can I say I really struggle with not understanding. I truly think education and communication are the most important tool to help couples get through. I'm always nervous about bringing up my issues. Do I approach it when he's down and make him feel worse, or do I talk to him when he's having a good day? I feel bad because I don't want to ruin the good day. I'm not sure whether to touch him or not. He's not been very affectionate at all. I am craving intimacy and when I do try to get close to him he does not say anything. Just rolls away and goes to sleep. My biggest wish is that he would talk to me so I know day to day what he's feeling. To know that although he's not interested in sex or affection at the moment that he's still interested in us. It's very confusing for me. I'm not sure if I need to suggest a break because I've not lost any interest and don't want a break. But I'm concerned that I may end up walking away hurt if this continues or worse that he may say he can't deal with us or that he doesn't care. So if there is one thing that I do know as a partner please communicate with your partner. They are feeling worried, scared and think about you constantly, well I know that's how I am.