Humbled beyond my strength
I have a beautiful wife who supported me mentally and financially through this period and it was a dark period for me, I look and feel life very deeply and feel the injustices and lack of compassion coupled with greed are destroying not just the planet but society as a whole and truly believe we are at a crux point as the world is so far out of balance something must give.
So many more of us so much technology so many ways of communicating yet we are so disconnected from each other. My partner of 23 years is a beautiful lady but she does not have the strength to listen to me dwell on the darkness in this life which is what I did over the past year as the pain weakened me physically and mentally on a daily basis, during this time one of her sisters has been battling cancer and it is not looking so good for her add onto that my wife was made redundant from a long time job with many friends and thrown on a daily basis to sharing every moment with me, it has been too much for her, menopause also complicates her emotions at this time to.
My world came crashing down about two weeks ago just as I was starting to emerge through the pain my wife has told me that she has come to believe she no longer loves me and doubts that we have a future together, I have always thought myself to have a strength of will that would allow me to conquer most things in life yet I am truly humbled by how much I love my wife and failed to recognize this and show her how much I need her, she is a strength to me that I find I cannot come to terms with the loss of that love and all the uncertainty and pain it will bring if we part ways, I still feel that she has love for me but with so much pressure in her own life taking on board my pain has made her feel that life could be better without me.
To say that this has humbled me is beyond an understatement I have been driven in the last few days to a depth of despair that has left me doubting that I can cope without her, it has taken me to a place where I contemplate the worth of life without her.
Welcome to Beyond Blue. I hope you feel better for sharing your story.It must be very difficult to live with physical pain on a daily basis. I can see how that could contribute to your being depressed. Did you get some hope two weeks ago that your pain could be relieved? You seemed to be saying that in your post.
If your wife has not actually left you yet she may have just been trying to give you a bit of a wake up call. What can you do to improve your mood or find other ways to share your negative thoughts if your wife can not bear to hear them?
I hope you can find a way to start to notice the beautiful things in the world. There is a thread on the forum here about "What I am thankful for today" which might help to inspire you.
Welcome to Beyond Blue. Like Grateful I am a little confused about your situation. Is there some relief from your chronic pain in sight and has your wife actually left?
I can understand your wife's difficulty. I visited my sister in the UK some years ago. She had been battling cancer for many years but the time had come when there was no hope left. I heard the same stories day after day about her battle and after a while it became very hard to bear. I loved my sister, still do, Her daughter had moved away for various reasons, but one reason was the constant demands placed on her by her mother. I know my niece loved her mother very much and made strenuous efforts to care for her, especially in the last months of her life.
I realise you are not about to die, at least I hope not, but the process is still the same. I know with my depression that I wanted to constantly talk about it because it gave me some relief. It was the same with my sister and she was going to die very soon. It really is hard not to want to talk.
Now just in case this sounds as though I am blaming you I hasten to add this is not so. It shows how frail we all are when faced with major injury or illness. I modified my chatter because of my sister. She was so consumed by her approaching death that listening to anyone else was very hard for her. I knew that and really tried to be patient. Your wife is in this position also, although you are not dying.
I feel as though I am rambling a little here. The bottom line is that talking about your pain and depression is natural. Your wife naturally wants to listen and support you but her resources are limited, especially now she has the added stress of her sister's illness.
If you can ease back about your woes and listen to your wife, encourage her to talk about her worries and show as much support as you can it will help her. I know chronic pain is hard to tolerate but so is constant tension and stress. This is the time to give to your wife what she needs and hopefully in the process you will find your love for each other will resurface.
Think about your feelings when she talks about her sister. Are you irritated, bored, tired, unable to listen? She feels the same and has pushed her feelings down for you. Now it's time to return the favour.
I do commend you for writing on BB and realising how far you have drifted apart. It's the first step and hugely important. Keep up the good work and accept my apologies if I have distressed you.
I wrote this and more in a moment of despair I have not felt before it was overwhelming me and needed let it out, this despair seems so close know to often, it was a moment that broke me when my wife told me she no longer loves me, yet I live hoping there still may be hope for us she is still here presently, the uncertainty at the moment is the stress that is know consuming me, yes my physical pain has all but left me and I was just starting to feel happiness again when my wife told me these words, I could not see when in pain how much happiness I had taken away from my wife, when she told me I realized and reflected on how I have alienated myself from her and others over the past couple of years but also know this was a me who was in a deep prolonged despair dealing with pain and the thought of this pain as a life long prospect left me without hope, emerging from pain I believe I am not this person now but the thought of losing her has delivered me to the edge of a new despair that has come close to breaking me.
Their is sickness in our immediate families with death and suffering waiting, yet we are well and thankful of this beautiful life, her happy nature and love of all life is what I may lose, she is part of me and I did not realize this, if this part goes I have come to doubt my strength or will for life.
Thank you for listening it helps me to share this at this point as I hover at a cliffs edge at the mercy of my own madness. My suffering is inconsequential when I look around at the world and feel what is happening to people and all life, so much suffering in this life it is what we all have come to accept and look away from, focus on yourself is the mantra of today's world I cannot live this life of material egotistical and social success values it is empty to me and these are the values that alienate me.
I hope happiness and strength comes to all here. Thank you again for listening it is truly appreciated. Regards Me
beyondblue’s clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.
I do not believe any person's pain is inconsequential.
Your pain at this new event is understandably more difficult to deal with because you had reached a point in recovering from your physical pain where you were expecting that things would start improving. To have your hope dashed in this way must be very challenging.
However as you say your partner is still in your life and you still have an opportunity to improve your relationship. I remember hearing somewhere a couple who had been married a very long time. I think it may have been 60 or 70 years and they have met very young and persisted in their relationship.
The woman said that what had kept them together for so long was that one of them always wanted to remain in the relationship. Which meant that at different times over the years one of them may have been tempted to give up.
Please try and have some hope.
I agree with Grateful, no one's pain is incomsequential. No matter what is happening in the world to groups of people or individuals, everyone has the right to be as pain free as possible. Otherwise we would be constantly comparing ourselves and deciding who had the more right to help. Nonsense! Please accept that you are worthy of help no matter what your circumstances.
Yes we have become a rather self-centred society but at times this is valid,such as now for you. You need to concentrate on how to get well again, to do those things that will help you.
I see that Beyone Blue have written to you privately. Please follow their advice whatever it is. They have professional people ready to help at all times. So when you feel bad, phone them on 1300 22 4636.
It's great you have a solution to you physical pain. Now to work on the other parts of your life. It's good your wife is still living with you. It gives you a chance to sort out your differences.
Have you thought of going away for a couple of days together? Or perhaps going somewhere for an afternoon say for a picnic? A chance to be away from the home and it's day to day worries. Somewhere to relax a little and talk. Really talk I mean, about all the things that have happened, your sadness, how you did not realise the strain your wife has been carrying, your love for your wife and the desire to rebuild the relationship. Yes I know, all heavy topics, but worthwhile and necessary.
Try not to second guess each other. State how you feel and what you would like. Ask her to be equally upfront. I have seen many relationship falter because each one was trying to do what they THOUGHT the other wanted and vice versa. It never works. So gentle honesty, being prepared to listen, ready to change, working out where you BOTH want to go. Above all keep your hope alive.