When is it time to let a family relationship go? Genuinely confused

[FarmMum]

Hi!

I'm in a bit of a pickle, I am in my late 30s and have two siblings. We are all successful with families. We had a rough start to life but managed to support each other into adulthood, where we flourished. We were always super close but out of the blue things seem odd between my sister and I. It feels as though she wants nothing to do with me at all. Over a few years now, she has rarely rung me or visited me. I try to ring her, but usually it rings out and messages go unanswered. I never bombard her. We all live hours apart, with my brother living between us, only an hour and a half from me; she's at least three hours from him. When she visits my brother, she never reaches out to see if we can meet there and catch up. It's so hard because I adore her kids, always send them birthday gifts, etc., and want to stay in contact with them. I want them to know how loved they are, but feel blocked in a way to do so. The tricky part is that when I do have the chance to see or talk to my sister she is all excited and loving to me,  its super confusing. My sister recently decided to stay at my brothers for easter with her family and he rang to invite me. I went there yesterday and she gave all the kids easter gifts but mine. I as always got her kids something special each for easter. Im so confused. There was no rift or anything between us and i have the sweetest kids. Now I feel like I interrupted her plans with our brother. Its like she wants me and my family quietly written out of her world.  I dont know if its because I am the only one that witnessed her wild days and shes embarrassed (she now holds her place in society in high regard). i really cant think of any other reason. Where do I go from here? I want to mirror her actions out of respect because I dont want to force anything on her but I dont want her kids to miss out on love (even though she doesnt care about my kids, even my disabled son). its so hard! I also dont want my brother to be in the middle. What would you do? We really dont have any other family for guidance. Any advice would be amazing, thank you 

[blues23]

Hi guest

my only advise is to look at your own mental health & the safety of your children as no doubt your child would notice they didn’t get any gifts ( for me that’s a major red flag ) I’m having similar problems myself with my family  I understand where ur at , become a grey rock / stop visiting / stop calling / mirror her behaviour back to her  ( ur welcome to buy her kids gifts but do it in a way u or ur kids can’t be hurt by ur sisters behaviour via post or whatever in a way where u can’t be hurt  / it may also cause u pain to do this ) ur sisters behaviour is a reflection on her not u or ur kids  it puts things in perspective and helps u grow to not feel hurt anymore or at least feel less hurt / The other alternative is to ask ur sister if she has a problem  or just focus on the relationship with ur brother ? It depends on on ur relationship , ive learned people lie not only to save face but to also make u look like the bad guy also to make it look like u dont care about ur nephew/ nieces /  they make up their own stories about if u should or shouldn’t give them gifts / just mind your own wellbeing and that of ur children they are your priority no one else & do what u feel u want to do  .

as to ur question when do u know /  im close myself  to knowing but im waiting /making excuses/ in denial/ also waiting and struggling / waiting for a breakthrough 

i think u know when u have had enough and when you are at the end its like any toxic relationship u start getting sick of the nonsense and just want to be happy alone the issues of this toxic dynamic it’s not easy I’d recommend  counselling to help u heal , create boundaries ( especially for ur children as no doubt they might be vulnerable too ) . Remember thou ur relationship with ur nieces / nephews has nothing to do with ur sister its ur relationship  with these kids so u can do what u want all kids love gifts regardless of age if ur sister cant gifts ur kids presents it says a lot about her . just buy ur kids gifts and try not to let ur sisters ignorance ruin your day..  its hard 💕( plus being  regarded as high society🙄 doesn’t give people the right to be mean especially to kids ) 

[FarmMum]

Thank you so kindly for your reply. I have to say I am extremely taken aback how well you understand the situation I am in. I am sorry to hear you are going through something similar, its just horrible. Your words of advice have been such a warm cuddle to me, and your suggestions are perfect. I will do exactly what you suggest. I will absolutely do what I need to do to protect my little ones and love her children from a safe distance, thank you. You are 100% right about people lying to save face, its a very scary thing to navigate. Yes, not including children is a real red flag, it has been so hard to admit that to myself and hearing it from you has been so freeing. You are just the best, thank you so much for reaching out. I have absorbed your every word and will stand by people with morals that align with mine. I really hope you find clarity in your situation, my heart truly goes out to you. Take care lovely and thank you again, it means the world

[blues23]

I wish you well , your welcome , I wish I wasn’t in the same situation but I’ve learned people have 2 faces and i really can’t trust my family it’s a hard road to navigate but you will get there just keep in mind your main goal : mine is to teach others to respect my boundaries and to make them understand accountability for their actions and also I want my children to understand u don’t have to tolerate disrespect even if it is ur family it doesn’t give them right to treat u bad.. good luck with it all & stay strong