What does 'Putting Me First' mean to you in relationships or situations? (Any kind)

[Just Sara]

I read of so many situations within relationships where people find it difficult to deal with their partner/boss/family/friend etc. "How can I help them to overcome and treat me better?"

This plea arrives on the forums every day. The simple (it would seem) and rational answer is to be the best we can be regardless, and to think of ourselves first. Easier said than done yeah?

I was placed in a dangerous situation with a stranger recently. I acted quickly to protect myself and my property with positive results. It was scary and anxiety challenged me afterwards so I called Lifeline. A pearl of wisdom came from her which resonated with me; "You put yourself first and this is to be praised, not questioned"

Why is it we don't do this with loved one's or people in our circle of trust until it's too late?

First time posters are more than welcome to contribute as well as our regular members!

Go for it!

Sara xo

[Croix]

Dear Boo~

Please excuse me butting in without introduction, however something you said seemed to me to hit two nails on the head at once (a pretty neat trick)

In my darkest hours are sometimes where I have found my greatest strength and my closest friends. People who accept me not because I am fun, happy or entertaining for them, but because I am human, damaged and a lot of work...

Firstly, leaving to one side the strength aspect, my experience (though perhaps a little shop-worn) is indeed that 'acquaintances' are winnowed out and only staunch friends are left - though I think both do have their place.

The human contact with 'acquaintances' provides me with daily human interaction necessary to my well-being and sense of perspective. Friends (and I've never found that many in comparison) are pillars upon which my life rests - at least to a very great extent. My two (consecutive -I had to clarify that 🙂 wives have been my best and closest, there are a few treasured others.

Secondly, without being overly sentimental, interacting, helping & receiving with other human beings seems to me to be the core reason for humans to be - what else is as important, as rewarding, as difficult? TV, work, art gardening etc. - all the occupations of all the people have their necessary place , but seems to me to be a platform on which to stand to be really human.

I suppose that those in your past felt the same way about their religion, however you saw beyond that.

Pardon me for being presumptuous , may I say I find you strong, caring and grounded (& I'm sure your words will help Sara when she reads them).

All the above is vaguely on topic - I hope:)

My best wishes

Croix (who tends to rabbit on a bit)

[Just Sara]

Dear Boo;

Though I'm taking a sabbatical, I'm here in spirit reading threads close to me personally, and posting when I'm up to it.

The words you've written about your family, and especially your mum, are full of empathy and wisdom; very heartwarming. (Just what the dr ordered for me)

You seem balanced and together Boo; this is a wonderful quality I'm sure you're proud of and worked hard to achieve. I'm proud of you too...

You show how putting yourself first leads to independence, and therefore creativity and 'choice' with your decisions and endeavours is based on self alliance. It's a separateness that works. This leads to understanding the 'big picture' and our responsibilities to others, while still ensuring self protective boundaries. You seem to be this in 'action'.

This site I'm sure would suit your mum for friendship and learning/experiencing true and honest self expression, maybe for the first time.

I look forward to reading more from you. A breath of fresh air is always welcome...

Warm thoughts..

Sara xo

[Just Sara]

Paul, Dottie, Croix and Boo;

I truly appreciate your thoughts and comments; sharing the love.

This issue, putting myself first, has challenged me to my core. How I treat myself is based on what I 'know' and will be the focus of change within my realm over the next few weeks. Parenting me, learned from how my parents treated me, is so ingrained and automatic, recognising it was a massive emotional undertaking as shown in my previous posts.

Self abuse...I don't drink to excess or often either, but that night it seemed 'right'. For whatever reason, it worked. Maybe because we sometimes need to hit rock bottom before understanding what 'it' is when all defences are down.

Your words of encouragement and wisdom are precious to me; so precious. I take them on as part of my journey's lessons, with knowledge there's people who forgive my discrepancies and support me with their gentle loving hands.

A few steps back, a few steps forward to come.

Love...Sara xoxo

[Starwolf]

An interesting, challenging thread...thank you Sara for initiating it, thank you to each and everyone for your insightful participation.

I think this is no clear cut subject. Life is all about constant change and nuances. It can take a lot of soul searching to figure which part and how much of our self esteem -or lack of- is due to abuse related PTSD. How much of the willingness to give of ourselves is due to habit induced "normality" ? Is it compassion gained by personal suffering, a natural tendency or a mask for the selfish motive to acquire a more attractive self-image etc...

We're all different and keep changing day by day. For example, I definitely have my "don't mess with me" days when I'm feeling tired, physically, mentally or emotionally. That's survival, the wounded animal instinct. Sure it all boils down to the old "know thyself". But our selves fluctuate. I am definitely not who I was some time back (thank heavens !) and will keep working on my self as long as I live to gradually turn it into what I want it to be. So it follows that boundaries must remain flexible too. I start everyday by attuning to the way I feel and reassess this throughout the day. Chopping and changing as I go. This is the easiest way for me to take care of myself and evaluate how much I am fit to give others at the time.

Flexibility relieves the self imposed pressure to perform.

My only set boundary is that I will never take abuse again, including self abuse.

Some days, I come across a thread where I would normally be able to help but inner reserves are running low (some of the rehab beasts I work on daily are energy draining). So I choose to pass and feel at peace with myself for doing so. If I ignore the flashing red light, I'll end up feeling low myself. Little good is achieved if not firing on all cylinders.

And yes, Sara...there's the conditioned over self, unconsciously created by past experiences and our responses. Then there is the real self trapped under the emotional rubble that we are consciously trying to set free and reconnect with. Which is stronger and has more pull today? Being caught between both is a tough balancing act. A work in progress.

Re meekness, I feel the word could have been misinterpreted. Like so many others... Taken from its original language, it is understood as a compound quality combining self-control, self-awareness and moderation. In my view, a sign of strength, not weakness.

A peaceful day to all.

[Just Sara]

A beautifully eloquent addition to this thread Star...thankyou so much. I'm sure many will benefit from your wisdom as I just did.

Yes, complex and individual. No set rules, just the doing and being in line with self, day to day...in the moment.

I panicked today on my way home in the car. By the time I walked thru my doorway, it was over. My age old habitual thinking was challenged; not by fight or flight, but by mindfulness and conscious intent. How proud am I?

One step forward...

Sara xo

[Croix]

Dear All,
I’ve been continuing to think about this thread and the various meanings people have placed on ‘putting me first’, well ok if we include ‘any kind’ I guess the following is relevant:

I tried to think back to the first time it I ever 'put me first' – not in a selfish way like pinching a fag from my parent and smoking it, but where I thought my views and needs were the same as or more important than those of others. It was in the late 50’s I think –it’s a bit hazy (thanks PTSD/old age/whatever)

I went completely against my parents and our family environment off my own bat. It was a very big thing. I was brought up in a class system and we had very strong religious affiliations with my father being a clergyman. A lot of life had revolved around church, and other churchmen (no churchwomen as I remember except one nun who was my godmother)

As a lad I enjoyed wearing a surplice on Sundays, handing out the prayer books, having a special place to sit, and singing in the choir. I was an overly serious young man

One day, after listening to my father’s sermon it struck me that what he was saying was in direct conflict with his family actions and I simply could not reconcile the two

I took the courage to discuss this with my parents and was not given a satisfactory answer, neither was I give one by other churchmen. I guess it could be summed up as ‘obey authority’. This lead to my refusal to go to church any more. To be honest I think in hindsight I was in part rebelling as teenagers are wont to do, but only in part

To be brief I persevered with this. Despite lots of angst it stood me in great stead later when I disagreed with my parents over my choice of wife. (Which is another story)

What I’m trying to get at is one needs self-respect and strength before being able to give and receive as one should, and for me this laid the foundations. I’ve very often had doubts of self-worth later in life -my mental injury completely obliterated it, now when sense returns I sometimes come back to sitting in that pew listening

I still liked ecclesiastical singing

If this is drifting off-topic my apologies,

Thanks for listening

Croix

[Starwolf]

How proud of YOU am I ?

Heaps 🙂

[Just Sara]

Hey friend;

Yes, parental hypocracy's a hard one, especially when we're growing and learning. I dare say this was the empetus for your on-going stubborness in abiding by their 'ways'. It's of course moulded you into the man you are today thank goodness.

Had you not bucked the system, (quite a few times) you wouldn't be here now. Great anecdote Croix...right on topic thankyou

I did the a similar thing with religion. When I was in primary school, my parents told me I could go to any church I wanted as long as I attended somewhere on Sundays, so I set about trying them all.

As an 11 yr old, I was a deep thinker then too; I asked each 'head of state' (lol) the same question hoping they could quell my frustration with the bible. 'Is the story of Adam and Eve real or just a story?'

To my surprise they all answered differently, some even became confused themselves. Then I went to nuns and parishoners. Their opinions varied so much, I decided not to go to church anymore and live my life by my own hand so to speak. (Thanks to Father Jones Kids Club, who told me to work it out for myself. Don't let anyone tell you the answer, that's their answer, not yours)

The thing is, I still struggle with the 'conditioning' of those times. Religion has such a hold on the psychi, (as do parents) it's hard to fully comprehend if we're indeed truly independent of that culture.

I suppose the metaphor of the 'Original Sin' has somehow ingrained itself into me. Issues relating to male/female interaction has plagued me since then. Yesterday I was sitting on my deck thinking about this very subject.

It's this area that challenges me when the 'me first' opportunity raises its head. When parents and religion tell us, vs shows us how to be men and women, confusion rules.

However...it's our story and our answers...to be continued...

Adore you Croix;

Sara xoxo

[Just Sara]

Thanks Star!

Your kudos are accepted graciously...how great are we?!

Mwah!!

[Moonstruck]

Darling Sara....I just found this extremely interesting thread....thank you for it.

Oh God I feel I could write and write..the words on this topic would pour out of me..."what does putting Me First mean to you?" you asked. This caught my eye immediately because its a totally foreign concept to me. I can't recall ever doing it - what does it feel like I wonder? How is it done? I can't say "what it means to me" because I am unfamiliar with it.

I would be terrified to "put me first". Other people wouldn't like it - and then they would either be nasty and cruel to me....or the ultimate.......abandon me!