What does 'Putting Me First' mean to you in relationships or situations? (Any kind)

[Just Sara]

I read of so many situations within relationships where people find it difficult to deal with their partner/boss/family/friend etc. "How can I help them to overcome and treat me better?"

This plea arrives on the forums every day. The simple (it would seem) and rational answer is to be the best we can be regardless, and to think of ourselves first. Easier said than done yeah?

I was placed in a dangerous situation with a stranger recently. I acted quickly to protect myself and my property with positive results. It was scary and anxiety challenged me afterwards so I called Lifeline. A pearl of wisdom came from her which resonated with me; "You put yourself first and this is to be praised, not questioned"

Why is it we don't do this with loved one's or people in our circle of trust until it's too late?

First time posters are more than welcome to contribute as well as our regular members!

Go for it!

Sara xo

[Just Sara]

Hey CJ's Mum!

Thanks! Haven't seen you around the traps, would you like to elaborate on your "WOW!" comment? Love to hear your story.

Sara...Hugs

[Moonstruck]

No, you're not average Sara - and I am glad of it! there is a line in the Australian movie, Hotel Sorrento -

"Australia is a country which honours ordinariness". a debatable point no doubt, but in my experience, it is practically encouraged to be "average" rather than being a Scarecrow. (Standing out in your field)

Ha..couldn't resist it...sorry folks, just got home from tiring trip away - must be still jet-lagged!! Good to see you all again.....xo

[Just Sara]

Hi Moon;

Welcome home!

You bring up a good point; standing out as a tall poppy. I'm finding, as I go about transitioning from small to tall, it's fraught with PTSD and inexperience. As with everything it has to be learned. Recently I had a hiccup of sorts that challenged me and those around me.

Apologies were made by me with a good dose of humility. I'm proud of this, as humble words take courage too. I'm chalking it up to experience and moving on, with a new sense of understanding that being tall and standing out, I can become a target by those who want to be tall too.

Putting me first is challenging that's for sure. But it's worth fighting for in my books. Knowing who's opinions I'm promoting has been a hard but valuable lesson.

Keeping sight of my values in the face of adversity...

Sara xo

[Just Sara]

Hi all;

I haven't been actively responding to first time posters for a while now. It isn't a lack of caring, just some self protective measures to give respite from pain others experience. It can be triggering as well as exhausting.

There's some guilt associated with doing this. However, as this thread suggests, taking care of me first is needed to keep on keeping on.

On Xmas Day I was listening to my brother in law complaining about his life and immediately picked up on symptoms of depression. In this instance, I would've usually asked questions and actively engaged. But the more I listened, the more I wanted to escape his rantings.

Needless to say, this reminded me of my own rantings of past helplessness so I was torn between sympathy and self preservation to continue enjoying the day with a positive mind-set.

I ended up making my apologies and walking away, again torn by feelings of relief, and guilt I hadn't made more of an effort to support him.

Being self motivated to secure space for my new resolve is harder than anticipated. It seems an impossible task as people still manage to complain and talk about others as the 'normal' process for conversation. Trying to avert or side-track them doesn't come easy.

As time passes, I become involved with their stories and fantasies of 'what if's' or 'why's' to my own detriment; leaving the chat feeling drained and annoyed with myself.

There will come a day when I can return to replying to first time posters, but for now I'm finding my feet so to speak, to survive such instances.

I do care deeply, but this transition of mine is a work in progress. I'm taking advice from fellow CC's and having a break.

Kind thoughts;

Sara xo

[Moonstruck]

Dear Sara

I just put myself first. I faced a fear that had a huge hold over me. I realised I had suffered enough and faced it. The outcome was a positive one - even if it hadn't been a positive one - fear of the unknown was paralysing me - I had to do it for "myself". You were the first person I wanted to tell. Take care....Moon S xo

[Quiettall]

Hi Sara

Self preservation is important to be useful to others. I have an older brother who has been an emotional stand over merchant for years, until recently, his wife of 50 years walked out, saying she needed to take control of her own life and stop being his battering ram. Since then, he has gone downhill, feeling sorry for himself and trying the "poor me" behaviour, hoping that either I or his children or his wife would return to "support" him and allow him to continue his behaviour rather than actively and constructively addressing it.

I have felt torn about going to his side to help him, but after seeing how he was to his wife, to his now adult children, and more recently to myself and my wife in our own home, I have had to withdraw, tell him to "man up" and face the issues by making regular visits to a psych counsellor to re-learn more constructive behaviours. I have also needed to withdraw for my own benefit, as I am reflecting on my own behaviour to my wife, and family, to ensure I have more positive behaviour patterns than what I have seen in some of my siblings.

I care deeply for my siblings, but feel unless I am strong and clear in my own thinking, then I am not in the emotional state that would allow me to be constructive for them