What does 'Putting Me First' mean to you in relationships or situations? (Any kind)

[Just Sara]

I read of so many situations within relationships where people find it difficult to deal with their partner/boss/family/friend etc. "How can I help them to overcome and treat me better?"

This plea arrives on the forums every day. The simple (it would seem) and rational answer is to be the best we can be regardless, and to think of ourselves first. Easier said than done yeah?

I was placed in a dangerous situation with a stranger recently. I acted quickly to protect myself and my property with positive results. It was scary and anxiety challenged me afterwards so I called Lifeline. A pearl of wisdom came from her which resonated with me; "You put yourself first and this is to be praised, not questioned"

Why is it we don't do this with loved one's or people in our circle of trust until it's too late?

First time posters are more than welcome to contribute as well as our regular members!

Go for it!

Sara xo

[Just Sara]

Hey Paul;

You're not hijacking the thread at all. You've contributed quality posts and it's appreciated. The more the merrier! I like the quote you took from Boo's words...spot on...Sara xo

Hi there Boo;

You know, I thought the same thing when I first posted over a yr ago. My life was full of isolation, confusion and pain. This site gave me a voice, and kind/warm caring people who shared their knowledge and experience with me. It became a family of sorts. None of my own family had the same empathy, understanding or encouragement to offer. So here I am supporting others like me.

I love the way you write Boo; full of expression and to the point. I like it when people bring multiple subjects into their posts to give strength and character. You're obviously a wise and insightful woman, with masses of empathy and love for your family.

I'm glad you talked about spiritual abuse from first hand experience. It takes so much courage to do so. I agree with your opinions re situations where paternal law is portrayed as God's Law. This isn't just in your background either, it's across the board especially with fundamentalism. War is man's invention! (*No offence to men please! It's a reference to religious groups headed by men who refuse to accept women's place beside them)

I hope your words go out into cyber space with lightening speed to inform and encourage those who feel trapped.

I too cheered when my parents split up. It seem's Paul, yourself and I were products of (better off apart than together) divorce; a commonality that many on BB would put their hands up to.

Your relationship with your sister is caring, kind, patient and admirable. You mentioned sister's? (plural) Can I ask what happened with the other/s.

Has your mum or dad re-married? Is your mum still subservient? Would love to know. It fits right in with the subject matter.

Stay amazing Boo...

Hugs...Sara xo

[Just Sara]

Good morning all;

I've been thinking today about what challenges arise when faced with unpopular decisions that others may not like...a me first occasion.

I've always tried to keep the peace by going with the flow regarding directions dictated by others in my sphere. Co dependence creates habitual behaviour on both sides that seems to 'fit'. But when I change that direction with self motivated comments, that normal flow is interrupted. Ergo...conflict.

It's felt on both sides of the coin so to speak. I've learned to expect these types of reactions and step back to allow them space to adapt. This works sometimes, and at other times things get worse again challenging me to go back to the 'old ways'.

I'm learning, evolving to accommodate my sense of self and direction instead of people pleasing. It's a process of course and not instantly gratifying. Instead, it has to be done with patience and self nurturing; accepting conflict as a normal par for the course...the storm before the calm.

In most cases either they or I walk away. Some rise to the occasion, gifting me with gratitude, praise and encouragement. However this is the exception to the rule unfortunately. Most can't cope and move on to find another who'll continue to feed their narcissism and insecurities.

Becoming my own cheer squad has to be learned...trial and error; but the personal rewards are boundless.

Thanks for listening...

Sara xoxo

[Just Sara]

Sometimes putting me first challenges to my core. In fact, it can get down right confusing. In the old days I just went with the flow and caused myself grief as a matter of course. It wasn't nice, but at least it felt normal.

Putting me first feels abnormal, strange. I'm trying, I really am. Though time isn't on my side ticking away. There's so much to learn and undo I just can't seem to get a hold. I have dreams and goals, but they seem to fade in the distance along with hope and acceptance they may not eventuate.

When I'm doing things for me, are they to protect me or promote me? This confuses too. I look in the mirror, and I see a young person in an old body. The lines in my face a constant reminder I'm fallible...insecure.

The things I should be doing, seem less important than those I do for others...to keep peace, feel loved, desired and accepted. Is it PTSD?

Damn, I'm not happy today. Post Xmas blues? Who knows? My ex called this morning, he's the past continuing to tempt me. It's where I know my place; small, last, follower.

I'm drinking tonight; no guilt. Is this good for me? Hell no...but no-one else around to talk with.

Whatever!

[Guest_322]

Hi Sara,

Hey, you're trying and surely that must count for something. Effort, right?

I personally think goals and dreams are important because they help us keep going. Yes, time is ticking and this isn't a reference to your age but just a fact.

Time moves forward and never backwards, and when it comes to goals and dreams, I think as long as you do the best you can in whatever time you have/have left, you have done "right" by you.

I guess goals and dreams always exist within parameters and every one of us is limited by time as a parameter. Yes, of course- theoretically- someone younger like me has more time but I'll be your age one day too. Sorry, I'm not sure if I'm making much sense.

Promotion or protection? I guess they are one and the same in my eyes- or at least to an extent (?) If you self promote, you elevate yourself so you protect your core self anyway. If you protect yourself, you're respecting yourself more thus lifting/raising- promoting- yourself. Although I'm not sure if I'm interpreting promotion the same way as you.

I don't know if how you're feeling is your PTSD or not. I'm not sure...but I will say you are every bit as important as the person next door. So I feel everything you "should" be doing- whatever that means and whatever it might be- is equally important as what you do for others. Is this my cue to go on about the oxygen mask again (laughs)?

Ah your ex...my 2 cents is he belongs in your past and not your present. Yes, he is familiar but familiar doesn't always mean safe or healthy. You deserve better. So much better.

I hear the distress and loneliness in this post and that's what worries me the most. I wish that I could give you a big hug. I know we aren't the same as having a physical body to talk to but you can always chat here. You know that. We care. I care.

Love ya.

You're amaze.

Dottie xxxxxxxx

[Croix]

Dear All
I get the feeling there are two difficulties, self-worth & drawing a balance.

If self-worth is low then it is very easy to help & help & h… . Feelings of entitlement to reciprocity are muted and the lop-sidedness forgiven/disregarded & forgiven/disregarded & for...

A self-reinforcing wheel. Habit, custom and expectations by both parties tell the giver that this is their rôle in life. Further confusion leaks in with 'blessed are the meek', 'giving is better than receiving' and so on - you can find umpteen sayings - even Jack Kennedy "Ask not what your country can do for you ..."

Until self-worth is 'topped up' it's not going to be possible to give from strength and receive as one should expect. How that refill is accomplished is probably more suitably dealt with elsewhere

As an aside I work on an honorary basis for a government organization. I’ve been there for ever and they depend on my expertise, however I’m not treated the same as an employee working alongside me. ‘If you act like a servant etc…’ (I remain there because it is worthwhile and also for my own benefit)

Balance is not easy. It’s not possible to keep a ‘score-sheet’ as circumstances and perceptions come into play. I guess in the final analysis both parties have to feel comfortable they have given and received in fair (not necessarily equal) measure over a long period. Each needs to know their actions are effective in helping, and that they receive as needed. Without that pride and confidence the relationship skews.

Circumstances - I've an example of my own. When I was invalided out of the police (stress - PTSD) I was a mess, mostly unable to give warmth, shying away from contact, not dealing with daily issues, angry and unapproachable. My wife felt a failure, then she felt unloved, eventually when matters were explained she was the strength in the family, dealing with me, supporting me, looking after the child, going to work, making the decisions

About as lop-sided as you can get. I guess her motivation was partly love for who I had been and might be again, partly knowing/discovering her own strength, partly necessity

As I improved my ability to show her love and concern, to start to ease back into pulling my weight grew. Eventually the balance was restored, though I was always in debt

Much later she spent 9 months hospitalized & passed away. I had my turn to support. Although heart-broken then, looking back now I realize I was fortunate

My best wishes

Croix (2ȼ donor)

[Just Sara]

Dearest Dottie and Croix;

Well don't I feel ashamed and full of hypocrisy! I thought if I hid away on this unused thread, I might shed some alcohol fuelled self pity garbage unopposed. It wasn't my finest hour.

I talk the talk, but walking the walk is so much more complex. Yes, PTSD hit with a brick load of feelings last night. An invisible trigger wielding a stick to beat me down to my 'place' in the world. "Get back down there where you belong bitch!!" Sure, I'll go along with that! Anything to feel normal...

When Hell hits, I want to get it out of me; writing works. My personal journal needs to be retrieved and dusted off. The term 'privacy' should be more valued (and understood) by me. You bought this up yesterday Croix.

Reading your replies bought me to sobbing tears of guilt and realisation; another notch in my self hate belt. The issue I was dealing with is so deep, so personal, I can't even say it out loud anymore. It's been around so long, I've shed a plethora of words and tears in its name...it remains a constant shameful companion.

Dottie, at this time in your evolution, your pain, you still manage to write with such wisdom and love. Feeling deserving of this challenges me. (To tears..) And Croix, again you're right on the money my friend. It hit me with intensity. Intuition or analysis it matters not. What does matter, is how well you both seem to know me. I feel exposed...

This thread although not taken up by members as relevant, depicts a very real issue that touches so many. My body, mind and spirit is worthy of self - love, respect, protection and value. Yet portrayal is easier than the 'doing'. My mask has been lifted.

I'm sorry but I can't continue. I love you both...Sara xoxo

[Guest_322]

Hi Sara,

Hey, it's okay...continue or don't continue as much as you see fit on this thread.

Shoot...perhaps I shouldn't have replied as I didn't realise you wanted to vent in this corner and weren't necessarily wanting a response- or at least not from someone who (sort of) "knows" you.

Yes, you are worthy. Big virtual hug. Take good care of yourself.

Keep doing you.

Dottie xxxxxxxxx

[blondguy]

Sara...like Dottie and Croix....you are a legend on here.....

If I may quote Croix from his last post.....

"Until self-worth is 'topped up' it's not going to be possible to give
from strength and receive as one should expect. How that refill is
accomplished is probably more suitably dealt with elsewhere"

Hugs

Paulxo

[Boo1986]

Hey Sara,

Thank-you so much for all of your kind words, it means so much to me 🙂

I have 2 sisters, my little one and an older sister too. My older sister still goes to church and gets upset when I mention my thoughts/feelings on the issue so I have stopped talking to her about it. I figure that if/when she is open to listening things might change, but I don't want to push her or then I am no different to the controlling men in her life (though her husband is actually such a great man, so good to her!), she is still subject to the 'rule' of the men within her church.

My mum is still subservient in nature but is single so I you would think no one would be able to treat her like that anymore... unfortunately my Nonna (mum's mum) has filled in that role and my mum now just does whatever her mum tells her to do. I guess after half a lifetime being treated that way she is just conditioned now.

My dad is remarried and fortunately his wife is actually a lovely woman and quite a strong woman too so she has helped put him in his place a little so he is not as bad as he used to be. He shows her much more respect than he ever showed my mother so it is great to see that people can change for the better.

I do hope that my mum either finds herself through counselling, meditation and courage... or finds a partner that can help bring out the best in her through support and encouragement. It would be nice to see her grow, I feel like it would give me and my sisters a little more hope and courage for ourselves. I worry that instead my mum is just becoming bitter and thinks that all men are like my father was... as most men that she interacts with are from the church, I can see why she would feel hatred towards them. Many of her female friends are also divorced and I feel they are actually damaging one-another by sitting around picking on their ex-husbands. I know they need to vent, but I worry it is becoming a habit. I know divorce is a major life event, but for their own good at some point they will need to let go of the hurt and just focus on creating a new life for themselves.

If only they could talk to each other the way everyone talks here, still with the understanding and empathy they need after going through a divorce, but also with purpose and conviction of a brighter future. It is ok to feel pain but wallowing in it just extends the duration of the pain.

Maybe I can convince my mum to jump on these forums 🙂

You guys are wonderful!! xoxox

[Boo1986]

Sara, I hope you are feeling better. Never feel bad when you have a 'moment', remember that you are entitled to have some down time, some time to feel and some time to pull back. You are human and you have been through tough times, it is ok to give yourself what you need to get through (alcohol etc). You have helped me so much... they say that it is impossible to help others when you are struggling too, so you must be very special to have achieved this 🙂 Don't be ashamed to be real. In my darkest hours are sometimes where I have found my greatest strength and my closest friends. People who accept me not because I am fun, happy or entertaining for them, but because I am human, damaged and a lot of work... and here we are, appreciating you for who you are and not just what you can do for us. It's better to share your darkest hours than to be alone. I hope you are ok, please let me know if there is anything I can do xoxox