What does 'Putting Me First' mean to you in relationships or situations? (Any kind)

[Just Sara]

I read of so many situations within relationships where people find it difficult to deal with their partner/boss/family/friend etc. "How can I help them to overcome and treat me better?"

This plea arrives on the forums every day. The simple (it would seem) and rational answer is to be the best we can be regardless, and to think of ourselves first. Easier said than done yeah?

I was placed in a dangerous situation with a stranger recently. I acted quickly to protect myself and my property with positive results. It was scary and anxiety challenged me afterwards so I called Lifeline. A pearl of wisdom came from her which resonated with me; "You put yourself first and this is to be praised, not questioned"

Why is it we don't do this with loved one's or people in our circle of trust until it's too late?

First time posters are more than welcome to contribute as well as our regular members!

Go for it!

Sara xo

[Croix]

Dear Paul

In a triumph of prose you have manged to be both accurate and miss the mark within the breadth of 5 words. You were absolutely right about from the heart, but as for deliberately PC! I'm far to confused to ever attempt that 🙂 A certain recipe for trouble!

As for your own premise, I'd have to say both yes -and no- depending on the circumstances

There - you are now the proud possessor of a Croix-quote

My best wishes

Croix (the fence-sitting temporal weather-vane)

[blondguy]

Hello Croix

I often miss the mark.....Looks like I picked the wrong decade to start archery classes...seriously...I have a great habit of missing the target 🙂 Duly noted and appreciated Croix. The thread topic is a good one..Sara deserves the credit for igniting the 4th of July on the 3rd Jan

Your weather-vane is solid and so is the fence too!

Great to have you and your life experience on line

my kindest

Paul

[Croix]

Dear Paul

Thank you for your reply - I did gave you a flip answer about PC - though I don't really mind

I've a lot of grief and guilt buried in those times.

I built up a dept taken out in installments of anger, monosyllabic answers, lack of intimacy, filling the house with cigarette smoke though she was an asthmatic, failing to do basic household chores, not looking after the child etc etc.

I tried to pay it back as time went on, though in truth for a long time paying back consisted of merely not being as impossible as before. Eventually I was mostly restored and was able to take an equal lode, then she had 9 months in hospital and died. There for a brief time I was able to be strong, help, support.

After I still did not feel the dept paid.

When I re-married my second wife in a unintentional way has become the recipient of the continued repayment of that debt. With her the equality was nothing to do with the customs of more modern times, it was a continuation of my previous desire to repay and support, transferred to a new person. A most illogical arrangement, and one she is probably not aware of - or not wholly.

Also an acknowledgement that I can't take the lead any more, I need someone beside me, and to be beside.

Although I am intellectually aware of what is going on I still have the need to do my share and more.

My second wife is a person in her own right, not a continuation or shadow or substitute for the first - they are in fact very different people, the opposite to the myth we always go for the same again.

Anyway when you mentioned my reactions were 'in tune with the times', or PC or whatever I saw myself as I had been, and it hurt.

I'm rambling

Thanks Paul

Croix

[blondguy]

Hey Croix, you never have rambled on here. (oops...sorry Sara for hijacking your thread..)

Your heart is kind and your words are solid and respected. You have a healthy respect for everyone with your outlook on life. Your second wife would never be a shadow of your ex wife....Your character and honesty reflected that the first time I read a couple of your posts...You would never consider her that way....but I do understand that you are like myself and would 'learn' (not change) through our past screw ups (I have heaps of them)

You are a strong and decent person Croix, I wish I had your patience and experience but being born in late 1959 in Cooma NSW, I dont.

Thank goodness the script for Deliverance wasnt written for about a decade after I was born lol. (in reference to me being born in a small 'hic' town....

Now Im rambling 🙂

I hope one day I can call you Ralph...or Frank...or Stanley....or John....If not, no worries I will destroy my fingers and keyboard by by typing Croix (just kidding..if we cant have a laugh we shouldnt be on here)

my kindest

Paul

[Croix]

Thank you Paul - That's a pretty good reply & I appreciate it.

Talking of fingers, if you keep at me I'll have to change my name to 'fred'

It's the easiest of all to type -a circle on a QWERTY keyboard.

My best wishes

Croix

[Moonstruck]

Well what d'ya know? It IS a circle.....how clever of you to think of that Donald!

[blondguy]

Well I never...it is a circle...:-)

Thanks Fred........sorry I mean Croix

[Croix]

And I though I had memory issues

'Donald' indeed!

Cr...er...iox?

[Just Sara]

Hello my dear Wishful;

I hope you can find my reply to you among this thread turned males-at-the-water-cooler-column. (Sorry guys, it had to be said)

Your words resonate with Boo; an early poster on this thread who showed a great deal of resiliance and wisdom re religious upbringing and associated lack of individualised self empowerment. (Who is ME?) Please have a look-see if you haven't already done so.

I'd like to share with you an experience that changed my perception from feeling like 'part of the furniture' to becoming 'independently self aware' for the first time in my life.

I was watching a movie where a man and woman were conversing. It appeared to me I was always watching the mans face more than the woman's. I asked myself why. I continued watching. All at once, it struck me I was identifying with 'him', focusing on his words instead of 'hers' because I thought he was more important than the woman...me. Also, that I was 'watching' from a 3rd party perspective...dissociated.

I turned the TV off and sat pondering my insight. I put myself in a visual scenario of conversing with a man. I was consentrating on him instead of what I thought or felt. I said these words out loud; "Oh my God, I don't exist"

I'd been living my life as an extension of everyone else I was in contact with. Every breath, thought, word or feeling was about 'them'. I wept openly grieving for myself, and then suddenly my heart grew warm. I held my hand on that spot and said out loud; "This is me. I just connected to my own heart. I exist." I cried deeply for a couple of hrs.

The thing is, being told "..you're to be seen and not heard" (part of the furniture) creates invisibility. So we gravitate to the power source in the room to be 'seen'. We're powerless until we're 'told' otherwise by the person with power. If we're not told, we continue believing we're powerless and therefore, helpless, invisible, needy; doing anything we can for attention and forever 'hopeful' of becoming visible.

My TV story depicts self discovery. Religion tells us we can never be this powerful or we'll be struck down with fire and brimstone and live in the bowels of hells fury forever and ever amen. (No disrespect intended) Or maybe just a little...

I envisage I'm opening up a huge can of whoop arse worms with my anti religious retort, but sometimes, life demands answers.

Love you all..

Sara xoxo

[Wilma1]

Sara, what a ripper you are. I'm loving reading through people who have found their voice, giving hope to those of us who are still searching.

I'm loving dabbling in the things I was always told were evil, of the devil etc. closing doors is opening challenging and enlightening thinking.

Yes I did read through Boos response. What a courageous woman to put it mildly.

I identified with your story having always been invisible. I'm a late starter, but hope some time to be able to help someone else through. Thank you. I read your threads and admire your courage. Please continue. We are listening. Wishful