What does 'Putting Me First' mean to you in relationships or situations? (Any kind)

[Just Sara]

I read of so many situations within relationships where people find it difficult to deal with their partner/boss/family/friend etc. "How can I help them to overcome and treat me better?"

This plea arrives on the forums every day. The simple (it would seem) and rational answer is to be the best we can be regardless, and to think of ourselves first. Easier said than done yeah?

I was placed in a dangerous situation with a stranger recently. I acted quickly to protect myself and my property with positive results. It was scary and anxiety challenged me afterwards so I called Lifeline. A pearl of wisdom came from her which resonated with me; "You put yourself first and this is to be praised, not questioned"

Why is it we don't do this with loved one's or people in our circle of trust until it's too late?

First time posters are more than welcome to contribute as well as our regular members!

Go for it!

Sara xo

[Just Sara]

Dearest Moon;

You 'did' answer my question! 'I can't say "what it means to me" because I am unfamiliar with it'

I continue to post here even though I'm taking a break of sorts because this issue is so relevant to our mental health and associated patterns of behaviour.

For most on here, self esteem problems curtail self promotion. Putting 'self' first has to be learned by those such as yourself. How about practicing on us? Disagreeing with someone would be a good start.

Statement: Women have a duty to stand behind men and wholly support them within a marriage.

Please give your opinion Moon; agree or disagree. I haven't said it's my opinion, so your words can only come from what you believe instead of what you think I want to hear. How's that for a beginning? It doesn't have to be long or even plausable. Your personal opinion is valued here 'among men and women'.

You can address the whole statement, or just a few words, it's up to you.

Think of it this way...you're in the centre of a room surrounded by 100 people in a circle around you. Each of those people, men and women, have an opinion about this subject. Now, please them all!!!

Being true to yourself takes practice. Pleasing others is learned and needs to be 'unlearned' for the habit to change. The only person in that room that counts is 'you'!

I wish you luck...

Kind thoughts

Sara xoxo

[Moonstruck]

Well of course I don't agree with the example statement. (love your pic though, wasn't that a great movie) I have a coffee mug with her on it!

if you insist I discuss the statement, well I don't feel like it actually, at any great length. If a man and woman for some reason unfathomable to me, decided to enter matrimony, they have equal "duty" (don't like that word) towards each other I guess, considering they are both in this highly explosive, socially outdated quaint institution - equal responsibility (that's a better word) . BUT they both do have a "duty" to any children they have created. (how was that Sara?) If you do need a break, seriously, do take what you need....wouldn't that be putting yourself first? kind thoughts to you too........x

[Just Sara]

Hey Moon;

Happy New Year!

Yes, Breakfast at Tiffinies (I think that's it) is one of my fave's too. She exudes elegance, grace and inner strength. Wow!

Your response has been accepted Moon, because it doesn't matter what the answer was, it came from you and that's what's important. I applaud you for giving it a go. Some would've fobbed it off as silly or too challenging.

My opinion? It takes two to develop and maintain a relationship. For me, standing behind my man while he carries out his end of things is important. The man I choose will be my hero, deserving of my love, affection and support. I deserve to be appreciated for this too.

The same goes for the opposite. I'll expect support, love and affection while I carry out my end of things, and will appreciate his strength, trust, honesty and protection by loving him even more.

And; there are times when standing together will be paramount. Even if a debate is necessary for peace or stability. It's not how we enjoy the good times, it's how we cope during the hard one's.

Thanks Moon. It's nice to have girly time and share some famale opinions.

Hugs...Sara xo

[Croix]

Dear Sara & Moonstruck

May I make a contribution or is this liable to attract too much heated debate?

Croix (who would just relate his own experience)

[Moonstruck]

Oh yes Croix.....relate your own experience....relate away..we're listening.

doesn't matter about heated debate. I'm scared of heated debate but I'm sure Sara will have a go.

What about that last scene in Breakfast at Tiffany's - when she lost the cat (called Cat) in the rain.? It was pouring, she was drenched and calling out "Cat, Cat". One night it was raining here and I couldn't find my cat - as in the movie Cat was my only companion...so I couldn't resist wandering around the yard in the pouring rain calling out "Cat Cat".......(you had to BE there to appreciate the theatricality of the moment)

Anyway i digress - come on then Croix...we are waiting for you to relate. (Is that the Walrus from Alice in Wonderland in your pic?)

[Just Sara]

It's fine Croix;

A man's point of view could add to our understanding and opinions.

Go for it!

[Wilma1]

Moon, I hear every word you wrote. Just finding ME is proving challenging, let alone putting ME first. Coming from a religious background has compounded this, as has abuse. Breaking through religious conditioning is moving slowly, but moving all the same.

This thread, as well as others is openings my mind to thinking never before embraced, so thank you all. Wishful

[Croix]

Dear Moonstruck and Just Sara

Let me preface my remarks - I no way wish to take issue with what you have said and may indeed be regarded as outdated and quaint just as that walrus out of Alice (there are similarities)

I'm trying to slant this to cover the topic - putting me first.

My views on the woman having a duty to stand behind .. have changed over the years. In the early 70's when I first married I felt myself to be the more responsible of the two of us. Let me hasten to say this was not in any way a refection upon my partner, but was a response to the society of the time which, by and large, all things considered, in large part (as Sir Humphrey would have said) tended to deal with the man of the marriage and look to him to provide financial support, the woman children and family life.

At that time - and I still think perhaps somewhat true, males and females both statistically and by desire or acceptance had different parts to play in the marriage with the woman commonly accepted as not only doing all her own work but expected to support her man too - I may well be wrong.

So at that time I put myself first - but perhaps as in putting myself into the firing line first.

After my mental injury in the police the roles were completely changed, my wife shouldered the burdens of work, child, day-to-day decisions and me. I, in my illness, put myself first because I was the only entity in my universe - which was one of pain and despair.

As I improved things changed, but I still leaned on my wife - thus it was not an equal partnership, you could still say I was putting myself first, it was all I could do

Eventually we reached a stage where we shared the burdens of daily living together, I was no longer first, but alongside - even though we had gone back in part to gender defined tasks in the partnership

After 25 years my wife died. Again I put myself first to find another.

This time the marriage was that of equal though different people from the start. Both with differing talents, but equal, each standing behind and supporting the other in turn as circumstances dictated. 20+ years on its still that way.

I don't know if marriage is highly explosive - for me it has been the blessing of my life. In the police I saw the other side many times.

If I may, I take exception to words 'duty' and 'responsibility'. I regard them as being words of last resort. I believe desire to help, ease, and make happy are the true motivators.

My best wishes

Croix

[Croix]

Dear Moonstruck~

as you had so accurately identified the source of my avatar I thought I'd return the compliment.

I'm not sure I am a happier person now. Its keywords were "Night Full Sadness Suffering Loneliness Moon Romantic", plus the living tree has been omitted - though I know why of course - to make a square picture.

Perhaps I should have left well enough alone (a position I'm more than familiar with)

Anyway thank you for your patience.

Croix

[blondguy]

Hey Sara

I posted on your other thread and now I am really confused lol (Me thinks I have to double check which thread I post on first)

If I may quote you Sara: "Statement: Women have a duty to stand behind men and wholly support them within a marriage"

I have been reading your posts with interest. I understand that Croix is speaking from his heart and being politically correct as per what decade we live in and thats all fine and good

Me thinks that a relationship is a two way split (generally)......however kudos to you for having the self assertiveness to say what you feel. That is a rare trait to possess. I dont think I have the self assertiveness you exert. I wish!

I would love to see the reaction if I (or a woman) wrote;

"Men have a duty to stand behind their women and wholly support them within a marriage"

Its actually intellectually refreshing to have a woman speak her mind without the constraints of a few decades of change which is a mere nano particulate when considering how short our lifespan actually is

Congrats on a great thread topic Sara

my kindest thoughts

Paulxo