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What am I doing wrong?

Heartbroken_and_Confused
Community Member
Hey! I'm a 30yo previously very sexually active woman who has been with her partner since JAN19 - he is 35yo. I have spoken to my psych abt this but its just not making any sense and they have given me advise but I just dont know. He has not wanted to have sex with me or be intimate in any way at all. I cant even tell you the last time we "french" kissed. I live alone and he lives with his mum and with that said - he has stayed over at my house 4 times and when I say stayed over, he is fully clothed - tracksuit, jumper and all. Nothing sexy - nothing! We have spoken about it and he tells me it is because he has severe body dismorphia and hates himself so incredibly much. I understand as best I can and I am being so incredibly patient. I am having doubts because we have not progressed in the relationship and it has triggered my anxiety something horrendous. Because of this I feel like I am unattractive, unwanted and undesired by the man I love. This has aided in my meds increasing, substantial weight gain and just concerned for my/our future. I want children and so does he however I have health issues that can cause infertility and difficulty getting pregnant - So how will we have babies?? How can I fall pregnant if we have sex once a year - if we even have sex this year! Am I wasting my time? Should I call the quits? It hurts because I feel we are so good for one another but we are not on the same page here and it is really starting to affect me. I am starting to then overanalyse everything else that we butt heads on - nothing about this has been EASY and I am so drained. I love him to bits and he is the most nicest most genuine person I have dated but I am lacking something so imperative to what i feel is in a relationship. Am I in the wrong? Is it doomed? Should I wait it out? Please help me understand what I am doing wrong and hopefully I can move forward and get myself back on track.
3 Replies 3

paddyanne
Community Member
Hi Heartbroken and Confused. Are you aware of any ex partners your bf had that he had similar issues with (no sex, not wanting intimacy, etc). The fact that he still lives with his mother makes me wonder why? He's 35 and says he hates his body. It sounds to me as though his main issues aren't because of you, but rather because of how he perceives himself. Do you get on well with his mother? Are you aware from looking at him if he does have reason to fear nudity? It's possible he has been raised believing nudity is to be kept secret. So many things you don't know and obviously feel unsure about asking. I am not familiar with the term body morphia, but I assume it means fear of the nude body, in which case I wonder if he thinks he is overweight, unattractive, etc. If he has been told never to be seen nude or never look at himself nude as a child, this will be the main cause of the morphia you mention. I don't see how you can do much to alleviate his fears re: his nudity or anyone else appearing nude without asking some extremely personal and (to him) uncomfortable questions. Maybe try talking to his mother about his early childhood, what was he like, did he play contact sport, does he enjoy swimming etc. You have the choice of continuing this uphill battle of educating him about nudity or walking away. You say you love him, but there's a lot you don't know and may never know.

Thank you for your response.

He sees himself as morbidly obese when he really is not. He is not even obese. He hates the way he looks.

I have met his mother three times but I have never left his loungeroom or kitchen. To this day I have not seen upstairs where his bedroom is or anything else of his house. He doesn't want me to see as he feels it's dirty.

He isn't a virgin and no I do not know of his ex's. But we have spoken about this before and he says he wants it different with me and it to mean more.

It's just building up - more and more things are starting to irritate me and I'm doing my best but I'm scared if we have sex and then end the relationship it would all have been for nothing. So do I end it before we get that chance or still wait?

When. I say adding up - how he is with my family, he doesn't say goodbye - his humor is not something I can relate to - he hates when I sing and I love to sing, we argue but it's always about the same things and that's him not staying over like a normal boyfriend or treating me like his girlfriend. It feels like we are just really good friends that peck on the lips.

Hi again. H&C. Unfortunately you are dealing with someone who is extremely sensitive and shy. Karen Carpenter felt fat and uncomfortable even though she had Anorexia. Your bf has perceived that he is fat and horrible and even when he sees his reflection, he sees something that only HE sees. He may not be able to perform sexually or he may have an issue with premature ejaculation, which can be full-on. His issues with his weight and possible inability to perform or finish could be from a previous relationship where he felt inadequate. Often we see ourselves as fat even though we're not. He has a massive inferiority complex and overcoming that is not easy. All you can do is exercise EXTREME patience, keep reassuring him of your true love and (if possible) show him that he isn't fat and his body is fantastic. Neither of you is 'in the wrong' you're just in two separate places. You're comfortable with who and how you appear, he isn't.