Post Separation Doubts

[ThePrize]

I have recently separated from my husband of over 20 years. I was unhappy for a long time due to emotional abandonment. I am struggling to put my finger on why I am feeling so scared about my decision. I think the grief I am experiencing is normal but I do question myself. My young adult children are hurting, my ex is hurting and so am I, but I know I had to make the choice to leave. Sometimes I think it is easier to go back to make all the hurt go away but I know I am not being true to what I need from my partner, who has problems expressing their emotions, showing me empathy and treating me as an equal. Is what I am experiencing normal?

[smallwolf]

Hi,

Not really sure how to start this reply so might just jump into it.

I suppose the end of your marriage has created a bit of a hole in your life - the other person is no longer there. And perhaps a hole to fill for the loss? Wondering if you made the right decision. You said in your post that you felt emotionally abandoned. So if you were to go back, would you be able to accept this feeling? Or has your husband changed the way he acts towards you? I don't think there is ever a right or wrong answer, but to just do the best you can. With all of that said, do you have a friend you could talk this through?

I think the feelings you are experiencing are normal for you and that is all that matters. We each react differently to any situation.

I can listen and reply to you and maybe act as a sounding board. I hope something in my reply made sense.

Tim

[ThePrize]

Thank you Tim. I needed to do this for me to be true to myself, but knowing I am causing pain to others makes me doubt myself.

[smallwolf]

I know my situation is very different to yours. There were some conversations I had to have with people from my work or church, and suggested to me from my psychologist after discussion - I was one to not speak out about how I felt etc. So standing up and doing something for yourself is a big step. And dare I say, to be proud of.

The conversations I had, all turned out ok. But it was unnatural for me - doubts. Did I say the right thing. What would they think about me. The more I do these things the more comfortable it should become.

So you might then question your own actions? Perhaps write down the reasons why you took this action? Or explore the doubts some more?

Tim

[Betternow]

Hello The Prize.

The emotional sadness you are experiencing is to be expected. Separating from a husband of more than twenty years is bound to cause doubts. You write that you had been unhappy for a long time and no doubt you waited patiently (hoping things would change) until the inevitable break up. It sounds like you haven’t made the decision lightly and that is to your credit.

You are not solely responsible for the feelings of your children and husband. Separation does cause pain to all concerned and it just has to be accepted. It is a natural consequence of a failed marriage that millions of people have experienced. Try and embrace the sadness as a rational reaction to your situation. The sadness is temporary, like any loss in life, the acute unhappiness will become lighter and you will become stronger and happier.