Feeling confused about my marriage
My husband and I met 14 years ago, we got married two years ago and have been living together for 9 years. For the most part it's been fantastic, we share the same goals in life, have the same values, and want the same things for our future. We have discussed children and he has said he would like to have them but he doesn't seem ready. The truth is I'm not really ready either but I also realise we are not getting younger. I'm in my mid 30s and he is in his early 40s, so I have raised this topic with him in recent months.
Last Thursday he told me that he is not feeling the best, and he needs some time to think so on Friday I asked how he was and he said not great and he needs time to himself to process what he is going through and that we need to talk eventually. He said it's not my fault, it's all his doing and this is not fair on me but we need to talk and I have to understand even though it's going to be difficult. (This makes me nervous) I have given him his space and over the weekend he told me as we were eating lunch that he is still not ready to talk and this morning on the way to work he said he is not ignoring me, he just needs to get his head in order before we speak. I told him to take the time he needs but it's killing me. I have spent the last few days crying on and off on my own. I'm so worried he is going to break up with me. Two weeks ago we were talking about the area we want to live in and looking at places on the internet and now somethings up. I'm so confused and scared that he wants to end our marriage.
The only things we have spoken about is what do you want for dinner and stuff like this. We still go to work together as we both work in the city. He still puts his wedding ring on which is a good sign I guess but what do I do? Do I say enough is enough we need to talk, do I suggest seeing a therapist?
Thanks and sorry for the long post.
Welcome to the forums. I’m glad you reached out here. It sounds like you’re in such a difficult position and are being incredibly patient and understanding with your husband. I think that’s good- it is obviously what he needs at the moment. But you need to focus on looking after yourself too at the moment.
I think that even if he’s not ready to talk, it’s ok at this point to ask him for more information. It’s been quite a few days and maybe it’s ok to ask for what you need in some way. If you were to broach the subject sensitively, making it clear that you know he needs more time, but that you are struggling, perhaps try to use language like “I’m feeling...” rather than “you’re making me feel...”
Suggesting to him that maybe he should see a therapist might be helpful. You could at least encourage him to use these forums. Or Beyond Blue also has a 24hour support phone line and online chat from 3pm-12am everyday. He’ll be able to talk to a trained mental health professional anonymously. It might be a little less intimidating for him to try this avenue first.
You’re in a tough situation and I hope you’ll be able to find some answers soon. Please take care of yourself in the meantime. You’re always welcome here, or you too can contact Beyond Blue for greater support. I wish you luck and be sure to come back if you need to.
Thank you both for your responses.
We had a chat tonight and he told me that the last few months his emotions has been fading, and that his feelings from the heart is basically not there anymore. He went on to say it has nothing to do with me, it's to do with him.
He told me I have a lot of good qualities and I'm a great person but he doesn't think it's fair on me to keep pushing on if he feels like this. Also he said it's not fair on him as he thinks if he just stays with me his feelings will get worse and he will fade away. He doesn't think a therapist would help either. I just don't understand when he says his emotions are fading, I'm still trying to process this. When he mentioned his emotions he said he doesn't think he will ever get into a relationship again, so it's more to do with him and not with me he said. He told me he has been balling his eyes out these last few days as we have known each other for 14 years.
So tonight he is moving out of the bedroom and into our spare room and probably from the weekend he is going to move into our other house we have, which we have been renovating recently. He said maybe some time apart may help but told me not to get my hopes up.
Right now I'm devastated, and feeling very lost. I feel like I have lost everything. A big part of my life is basically gone.
I'm back again. Well he hasn't moved out of the house yet and is not sure he will but most likely he eventually will. He is still sleeping in the spare room but we are talking more. At the moment we are still driving to work together and even eating dinner together too. He is still wearing his wedding ring to work because he said he hasn't given up on us which makes me so happy.
The thing is though he is into music and used to DJ a lot when he was in his 20s. He has decided to set up the DJ stuff at home and stream online. He said one thing he would like to get back into is his music which I fully support. The thing is though he does not wear his wedding ring while streaming online because he doesn't want people to know his personal life. He told me he wants to get a fan base and thinks people won't follow him if they think he's married. I think it's silly because wouldn't you want people to follow you because they like your music and not because of your marital status?
These people are from all over the world so he isn't meeting up with them and he showed me his profile and some of the people that's following him so he isn't hiding anything from me.
I just feel this is a set back because if you are wanting to be married to someone you wouldn't hide the fact you are married.
Perhaps this is part of the space he is wanting. I haven't gone off at him over it because it will only push him away but am I overreacting?
Hello Shorti. I can understand the anguish you are experiencing. Many people reading your post have probably experienced similar problems. I know you desperately want to save your marriage and you seem to be clinging onto any scrap of evidence that supports your goal.
However, I’m hearing alarm bells. Speaking as a man, I can tell you your husband’s behaviour, including the wedding ring thing, is not normal. It takes two people cooperating and supporting each other to make a successful marriage. The minute one partner decides to pursue a lifestyle that hurts or excludes their partner, the marriage is in very risky territory.
I urge you to seek counselling as a couple. It may seem like a radical step but many people have gone down this path (including me) and discover high value. It may not save your marriage, but it will be able to show you the clarity and thought pathways that will lift your self esteem and determination.
Thanks for your response, it's been helpful.
This morning we spoke about it and he said that if he didn't want me to know about this he wouldn't of shown me in the first place. He has shown me his profile and some of the people that are following him. He said if we are to be together still of course I would be involved and included.
I'm not upset about him streaming his music online, just upset that he has taken his wedding ring off when streaming. He just said he doesn't want anyone to know his personal life, like his age, where his lives and anything personal. He said these are just virtual people online on the other side of the world and he isn't meeting up with them in person.
I asked him how he would feel if it was the other way around and he said he wouldn't be happy about it but if I wanted space because I was going through an emotional period then he would respect that.
I have mentioned counselling to him in the past and he isn't interested. He said he is taking the time to sort through his emotions and if he wanted to end things with me, then he would of ended it already.
Maybe I should just let it all go and give him the space he wants.
l'm thinking that might be the best shot here , maybe just give him that space. Not sure it'll fix things but l dunno , what else can you do if he won't see someone or doesn't think he needs too. He's in a place atm and tbh l think what he calls his emotions are just all about his feelings about you and him.But l'd say if you keep at him , it'll probably just make things worse and probably push him away further.
l've been where he's at , can't know if it's about the same thing but for me some space helped me work through it and really it was just something l had to do not really something anyone else could've helped with.
Anyway good luck and l hope things work themselves out. All the best.