Relationship and family issues

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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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EzzBea Newly Separated
  • replies: 11

Hi all, I am unsure of what I need but need a place to let my hurt out. My world as I knew it came crashing down 3 weeks ago. An argument about trust and poor judgement turned into me finding out that my husband of 17years (20 yrs together) kissed ou... View more

Hi all, I am unsure of what I need but need a place to let my hurt out. My world as I knew it came crashing down 3 weeks ago. An argument about trust and poor judgement turned into me finding out that my husband of 17years (20 yrs together) kissed our 20yr old aupair (he's 40). I didn't see it coming. We where having a rocky patch but wasn't major and nothing we hadn't got through in the past. He says he took the cowards way out. I deserved so much more respect and so did our children. Our marriage is over and unsalvageable but all these emotions are kicking my arse. We live in a small country town and no one I know saw this coming but them. We have 3 children, 14, 10 & 8. I stayed in the family home with them for routine and stability. How do I get through this. TIA

JonBrickWalker Retroactive Jealously
  • replies: 1

My partner and I have been in a relationship for 7 months now we get along really well, deeply in love. If we have a problem between us we always discuss and found a solution so we never have a fight. One day we had a conversation about our past rela... View more

My partner and I have been in a relationship for 7 months now we get along really well, deeply in love. If we have a problem between us we always discuss and found a solution so we never have a fight. One day we had a conversation about our past relationship and sexual experiences and I had discovered that that she had slept with a old close friend of mine. I have never blamed or verbally abused her for her because she was just living her life and I was not in the picture during that time period of her life however I find this topic come up within my conscious on a day to day basis and I can't seem to let go. I've read multiple forums about retroactive jealously, become healthier and more fit in attempt to combat the vulnerability and insecurity I have but I found all of this is just temporary relief for the consistent pain I undergo. My partner is aware of how feel and is miserable about it because she knows its a topic she can't fix. I continually assure her that none of this is her fault or problem it's completely me. Would love to hear if anyone is in or was in the same boat I am in and how you overcame this issue as I love my partner to death has she helped me grow and become a better person

SimpsonsLover08 Too scared to leave a long-term relationship.
  • replies: 1

I've been with my partner for 4 years and we've lived together for 2 years. For a while I've found myself being unhappy more than being happy, Don't get me wrong, we have really good times together, but there's many moments which leave me wanting to ... View more

I've been with my partner for 4 years and we've lived together for 2 years. For a while I've found myself being unhappy more than being happy, Don't get me wrong, we have really good times together, but there's many moments which leave me wanting to be by myself. My partner isn't physically abusive at all, but I do feel like sometimes the way he says things isn't the best for my mental health. He often tells me I'm playing the victim card e.g. if I say I didn't like the way he spoke to me, he often tells me I'm just overreacting & playing the victim card. He also has a really short temper which he denies (I also have a short temper, but I'll be the first to admit it). So often a simple opinion or discussion will end up in him raising his voice & getting either argumentative or defensive for no reason. I also think that we're growing apart. When we started dating, I had the impression that he was quite ambitious, but over the years I've realised he's unbelievably lazy (to the point where he does nothing around the house, and if I don't do everything, nothing will get done). Sometimes he'll see me vacuuming & offer to do it (and then won't actually do it until several hours later), but I don't understand why he doesn't just take the initiative. Like, if he knows the vacuuming needs to be done, why can't he just do it without me having to prompt him or give him permission. He lives here too, so why not just do things. Sometimes I feel like a slave, and it gets extremely stressful when I also work full time & study. Speaking of which, I have a lot of life goals I plan on achieving, whereas my partner's goals are nowhere near as high as mine... and sometimes I feel he's taken this really relaxed, no stress approach to life because he knows I'll be earning a very good amount. I also find him somewhat demotivational as well. He's very supportive of me and my goals, but I guess I was hoping for a life partner who wanted to achieve as much as me. My partner also has a severe lack of intimacy towards me & sex often feels like he's just doing it because he has to, not because he wants to. I've thought about leaving on several occassions, and at one point I thought I couldn't do it because I still saw good things in our relationship (which I still do;, but now I think it's more because I like the freedom of living out of home, and I know that if we break up, and I move back in with my parents, I won't have the same level of freedom.

Phillipa_C Coping with being in the middle of a family estrangement
  • replies: 2

Hi everyone, just looking for some advice or insights for those in a similar situation. Some background info - I am the only child from my parents and my father has two children from a previous marriage. My half brother, half sister and I are close -... View more

Hi everyone, just looking for some advice or insights for those in a similar situation. Some background info - I am the only child from my parents and my father has two children from a previous marriage. My half brother, half sister and I are close - after years of not knowing each other and not growing up together, we came to get to know each other when I was a young adult. My father's first marriage broke down when my half siblings were very young (toddler/baby) and he had limited involvement in their life even though I could see it pained him greatly. He saw them a few times when they were children, and then not at all. He would send them letters and small gifts over the years but they never saw each other. I don't know if he had visitation rights but I know he did not pay child support. My dad has become sad and bitter about his estrangement from his children and is resentful they grew up without his 'influence' and from comments he has made to me he seems to perceive them as a bit of a failure. I know my siblings are angry with him at his abandonment of them and it has hurt them too. They resent me for having a dad when they didn't. I can see they struggle to understand his personality and mental health issues. I feel like both parties refuse to meet each other unless the meeting is on their terms. Any recent attempts have ended badly, culminating with my father walking out of my sister's wedding and her deciding to cut him out of her life. She has since had two children which my father has yet to meet. My brother and father are very similar in terms of mental health issues and personality - yet they cannot see eye to eye on anything. My brother has visited my father a few times but reconciliation is futile. I have lived away from home for over a decade and now that I have returned home I seem to be caught in a crossfire. My father says bad things about my siblings like that they are a disappointment to him, refusing to recognise them as his children but at the same time saying how much it hurts him to have 'lost' them and not knowing his grandchildren. My siblings don't mention my father much but when they do it is to make sniping remarks about him or to dig for details on his mental health. I love my father and my siblings equally and I want to know - how do other people cope being in the middle? Do you get involved and try to support a reconciliation (I try not to)? How do you support both sides of the family without taking sides?

sarinas Not sure how to get over a lost partner. It's been months but it still hurts so much that he doesn't care. And I lost motivation for everything.
  • replies: 1

Hi there. I look like a normal, well-adjusted, marginally attractive woman who is pursuing her dreams. But the reality is I am incredibly lost, lonely, and struggle with keeping positive and motivated to make my life amazing. I've moved aboard from S... View more

Hi there. I look like a normal, well-adjusted, marginally attractive woman who is pursuing her dreams. But the reality is I am incredibly lost, lonely, and struggle with keeping positive and motivated to make my life amazing. I've moved aboard from SEA to be an entrepreneur, with no idea what to expect and a large mission on hand. Fast forward quite a fair bit, I met this guy. He seemed like everything I was looking for in terms of the simple things : He had some innocence and look of hope and happiness that was in his eyes every time he looked at me. But the relationship struggled - he was a divorce and seemed like communication wasn't the norm for him. I guess the content doesn't matter. He dumped me a few days before my birthday - it was a year later and we had moved in. It was serious. The plan was for me to fly first and run errands in my home country, and he was supposed to meet me a few days later. Since then he kept scolding and hurting me when I shared my thoughts. But I had one goal in mind - to make sure we'd get a chance to forget all that. So i tried really, really hard to show him i cared. and it worked. we spent time together. And after awhie, smiled, and laughed and hugged, and hung out, and did things together, and cooked, and stared into each other's eyes...as long as he got to do it on a free pass. and as long as i didn't tell him about how i felt. the moment i told him, he'd shun me, tell me to screw off, and tell me i'm too much. I don't understand, it's so painful. we have the best time together, and it's so intense, yet at the smallest thing he's happy not to care how i feel. And it breaks me inside, because i care so much, that all i wanted was for him to be around, and he sure looked like he was having fun, but then all he remembers when confronted is that he's unhappy around me. He doesn't consider everything else. I love the way he looks back at me, hugging him, just seeing him. Even him brushing his teeth. And knowing i love all the little things...it hurts me every time to think about it, that I mean nothing, all that meant nothing, and i've been trying to get over it for months but it keeps coming back, and i feel like I need his validation, i just want so bad for him to look at me and tell me I'm worth it too and treat me well. To have my love not mean nothing. He reciprocates, and then nothing. I'm so torn up about how real it felt, and how easily its discarded. It doesn't help that I'm always working on my own.

resilientsurvivor Narcissistic Partner - Will it ever change
  • replies: 1

Hey Guys. I'm just going to give a little background info. I've been dating my partner for about five years now, we have been on and off. I didn't understand why we were always fighting over silly things. Until one day she told me she has been diagno... View more

Hey Guys. I'm just going to give a little background info. I've been dating my partner for about five years now, we have been on and off. I didn't understand why we were always fighting over silly things. Until one day she told me she has been diagnosed with narcissism personality disorder (and BPD and others). I've done some research into this so i can understand it better and of course after i did this, things made more sense. However i stuck around to see improvements for then everything to fall apart just as quick. I was on a roller coaster and i still am. I never ever feel like i am heard, on a serious level. I'm always making her upset with little things. I can see myself changing as a person in a negative way. I'm angry alot more often, i'm very frustrated and often feel depressed. All this unresolved "baggage" we never can overcome, (its always just forgotten about) is seriously taking a toll. I try to move out back with family which proves to be also another detriment to my mental health as all my childhood traumas are in the same house. ( I went through the foster care system until age 21) I'm in debt and am struggling to save so i can move out on my own but i then wonder is that going to be good for me? Being alone? I just don't know how to manage the interactions with her anymore, i have so much underlying anger that it doesn't take much before i "shut down" and "dis-engage". I find that i seclude myself a lot now in my own room. (yes we have separate rooms). Ive suggested couples counselling to no avail. I'm at my wits end. We are not "together" at the moment and perhaps i now dont want to be, which breaks my heart but i have tried and been so patient, its now at the expense of myself and my mental health. Please help. Maybe give me some reinforcement? Any response will be appreciated.

Meremale00 Dysfunctional marriage, at a complete loss i just cry
  • replies: 1

Married 33 years, been deteriorating for a long time i guess. Last cpl of years has been hard, after years of always giving in to keep the peace i just stopped wanting to try and make it work anymore. Now after 3 lots of councelling, as in 3 differen... View more

Married 33 years, been deteriorating for a long time i guess. Last cpl of years has been hard, after years of always giving in to keep the peace i just stopped wanting to try and make it work anymore. Now after 3 lots of councelling, as in 3 different councellors i done but don't know how to get out. My wife wobt let go, wants it tobwork but in the last two years she has done nothing to show it. She started drinking, a feeble attempt at suicide, attacked me physically, driving drunk, sold lies tonmy son who ran with it and attacked me but when he realised he apologised. We sleep in seperate rooms, we dont do anything together at all, we barely talk but my wife exists like everything is normal, i can cope with that. She booked an overseas holiday without telling me just for herself, once i knew a few days before, i supported it. But im isolated, my life is miserable, im sad, i cry and i dont know what to do. All i wanted was us to agree we dont work, be friends, i would continue to support her in any way including financially. I feel like she is trying to punish me but sacrificing her own chance of happiness in doing so. I feel like im on the edge, at tge end, i dont know what to do, i cry often, im mise and started to not sleep. If i leave she will try suicide, i feel like im trapped. I cant keep living like i am, i want me back again.

Natalie124 Complicated and at a complete loss
  • replies: 1

I am in quite a complicated situation my boyfreind lives overseas but we have the same family. We are not related as he was adopted by my uncle and my boyfreind is his grandson. I was supposed to move over there and live with them all im a year which... View more

I am in quite a complicated situation my boyfreind lives overseas but we have the same family. We are not related as he was adopted by my uncle and my boyfreind is his grandson. I was supposed to move over there and live with them all im a year which is perfect for my relationship. I was very close with my aunt and uncle untill recently. My boyfreind confided in me he was in a really bad place i had never seen him like this before i was really worried. My uncle was on the phone and called him a waste of space apparently he was joking... i reached out to my aunt and uncle and told them he is in a bad place please go easy on him. I did promise my boyfreind i wouldn't say anything i was only trying to look out for him. He has forgiven me but ny aunt and uncle cut me off completly after i told them he was in a bad place. And basicly said anything between them is none of my bussiness. Its now affecting my relationship really bad i have tried and tried to reach out to my uncle to sort this out for my bf's sake but i have been ignored i feel soo rejected when my heart was in the right place. My boyfreind wants me to try but noone else is i dont know what to do im at a loss.

Bcasey415 14 year lie...
  • replies: 7

A lot of you might think of me as the biggest jerk in the world and I completely understand and agree. This has been in the back of my mind for years and only recently it has been making me really depressed and I cannot find happiness anywhere. This ... View more

A lot of you might think of me as the biggest jerk in the world and I completely understand and agree. This has been in the back of my mind for years and only recently it has been making me really depressed and I cannot find happiness anywhere. This involves pretty much my whole family but mainly my Dad and Mum. When I was around 4 yrs old I told a hefty lie to my Dad about how I got "harassed" in the school toilets. He was devastated and went through a lot of things to try and help me through this fake trauma... I do not know why I would do this and 14 years later I do not have words to explain how regretful I am. My parents are perfect and I wouldnt change them for the world. Obviously after 14 years I feel like this has gone on long enough and I feel like such scum... I remember getting in trouble for something bad when I was 4 and I think I may have used this lie to deflect from whatever I was in trouble for not realizing the damage it was causing. I want to confess... I really do. I will never be happy with myself and what I've done and the fact that I let it go for so so long. I am terrfied of confessing though. I don't know if my parents will disown me and kick me out or even try to hurt me... I mean imagine this serious lie going on 14 years.. can you imagine how they would feel? Im scared and I don't know what to do or where to turn because I know if I never tell them then I take it to the grave without ever being freed from this lie but if I do tell them It'll most likely break the family... and I'll never see them again. Please help

Georgie502 Gaslighting boyfriend
  • replies: 4

Hi, my boyfriend of two years has quite suddenly become very distant and cold towards me. He suffers from depression, anxiety and anger issues which he was seeing a psychologist for a few months ago. Every now and then I will bring up a problem I hav... View more

Hi, my boyfriend of two years has quite suddenly become very distant and cold towards me. He suffers from depression, anxiety and anger issues which he was seeing a psychologist for a few months ago. Every now and then I will bring up a problem I have or a certain way that he is making me feel and he will absolutely lose it at me. The other day I went through his phone which I know is wrong, and I saw he did some drugs on the weekend and I confronted him about it and asked why did you not just tell me? It hurts when you keep things from me. This then resulted in him getting extremely angry I went on his phone, he broke all of my make up and perfumes and ripped apart the lounge room. He told me I’m the reason he is so un well at the moment and he would be healthier without me. I just don’t know what is true and what isn’t anymore. Everything had been fine before this but it’s little things like this that completely tip him over the edge. He said he despises me and hates me and I’m a rat for looking at his phone. What is this sort of behaviour and what do I do about it? I know I shouldn’t have gone on it but I knew he was keeping something from me