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Struggling with finding out my ex is gay

Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member
I was with my previous partner for 9 years we had a house together, pets everything. Things started going south and we didn’t have much of a physical relationship and eventually agreed to part ways last year staying good friends. Last week I found out by accident he has starting dating a man. My emotions are all over the place and I’m so conflicted. I have no problem with homosexuality and hope he finally feels that he’s in the right place but at the same time I can’t help to feel angry and betrayed. I’m questioning every moment and experience we had together. The worst part is I’m ashamed of these feelings...I feel like I should just be happy for him and I’m guilty I’m feeling anything different. I know how hard it must have been for him to not be able to be honest about what he was feeling. I’m shocked and I’m overwhelmed and don’t know what to think or feel. It’s almost like I’m actually now grieving for a while past life the perceptions of which I no longer trust. I don’t know if I’m just being selfish I’m feeling this way
4 Replies 4

Community Champion
Community Champion


I can see you feel , angry and betrayed and feel confused at to how you think you should feel and how you are feeling.

I was wondering how you felt about your separation and your past relationship for the months before you found out he was dating a man?

Is it possible for you to stay good friends with him?

Everyone behaves differently and I don't think there is a right or wrong way.

A neighbour of mine didn't find out her husband was gay until one morning he told her he was in love with a man and was leaving her.

She told me her reaction would have been the same if he had left her for a woman. She felt betrayed and silly that she had not see this coming.

It took years for her to forgive him. I know that is different to your situation. She told me she was annoyed when people told her she should feel ok as it was not a woman he was leaving her for.

Thanks for sharing your story


Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Kelizabeth,

I think what you are feeling is perfectly natural. At 9 years that was a significant relationship, like you said, you had a house together, pets, most marriages don’t last that long. And now you are left wondering if the whole thing was a lie. If he was just thinking about men this whole time. Which is irrational, he wasn’t forced into that relationship so could have left any time he wanted. But the reality was that he didn’t, he wanted to be there, no one stays in a relationship for 9 years they don’t want to be in. May I ask why you broke up? Sexuality isn’t always so black and white for everyone. Perhaps you two might be able to meet up one day once the dust settles and chat so that you can get some closure?

Hi quirkywords

I guess before I found out he was gay I felt like we’d had our problems but like I knew him. What I’m struggling with is the feeling that I don’t know if that person exists anymore (his personality has drastically changed as well since he started dating this guy). Which makes me question all the good stuff in the relationship and whether that was the real him or not.

I want to stay friends I think I’m too angry at the moment though. The story about your neighbour hits home with me because I’ve had those comments made and it makes no difference. In a way I feel like I was stupid there were so many signs and I never really put two and two together.

I want to believe he did want me at some point and it wasn’t just that he was too scared to tell the world his true feelings but it’s all a bit raw at the moment.

Thanks so much for your reply

Hi Juliet_84

Yeah logic hasn’t really been a strong point since I found out I think I’ve just been too shocked to really work my way through things in any rational manner.

My anxiety and my anger at home tells me he stayed because I was convenient and that I was a good cover or denial for how he was feeling. Which makes me feel like an arsehole for even wondering that.

We broke up in the end because we’d drifted apart. We had no physical relationship at all and after 9 years with no hint of marriage or really any movement forward I had to be honest with myself it wasn’t working. And so much of it makes more sense now I guess. But it hurts...when I found out I was a mess it was just such a shock.

i hope one day we can be friends again but I have to wait until or even if he decides to reveal this to me. Finding out by accident has been difficult because I can’t really talk to him about it as he doesn’t know I know.

thanks for reaching out