Well, here goes nothing!!

Morgan1978

G,day guys, well, Ive been reading a few posts left by some lovely people who seem to be fighting the good fight (good on you all guys/keep being strong :0) in truth, mine really doesn't seem to weigh up all that much. Im 48years old & Ive found myself in a place where Ive got zero friends apart from family & my beloved dogs. Much the same as many other people, Ive got my own personal struggles as we all do, but mainly I was just on here seeing if there were many if any others of my age group rowing in similar friendless canoes? Its not like I won't survive, I will, & largely I actually chose this almost reclusive existence, however I guess full disclosure, I was wondering how many of us from the old days lol 😆 were actually out there in this or similar positions? Anyway, to anyone who reads this, if you are struggling, & are down on the bottom rung, just remember that you are strong & that YOU CAN DO IT!!!! Also if you are my age & just want a friend to talk to please feel able to reach out for a chat. I spend a lot of time alone but none of us are islands no matter how much we all like to think we can be.

Croix

Dear Morgan1978~

Welcome here to the Forum. It's a place where people with similar experiences can see how they coped, waht was useful, and what was not, I guess if you search in other threads you will find them

You mentioned that you had family and dogs, but no friends, but go on to imply this was of your making, at least in part. Having a family is a blessing, but for most friendships are a large part of life too.

Would you like to say why you did not go down that path but in your words became almost a recluse?

In my own case I found myself with family, and pets at around your age, however all my friends disappeared. This happened as I was invalided out of my job with mental health issues and all my friends, who had been colleagues, did not feel comfortable maintaining the relationship outside that environment. Stigma to overcome and nothing in common to talk about.

A very isolated time despite my family's best efforts. As time went on I had a new career and more colleagues out of which a few true freinds have emerged. Life is no longer isolating. As you alluded to "no one is an island, entire of themself" and I'm pleased both for my self and my family we have outside networks

Croix (with apologies to John Donne:)

randomxx

Hi there op and Croix. Just on Your Croix first up , isn't it amazing the way people disappear at those times, l found the same after D. Mind you , l was also too proud and didn't want people, family mainly , knowing the state l was really in or feeling sorry for me so admittedly l did block the few efforts some family made.

But yeah op, a bit older than you now, 60ish but have spent this last decade pretty well friendless since D and atm my place is pretty isolated in that way too. Tiny town , 50k to the main town and a fairly private'ish property. l try to get out as much as l can / feel like but like you, spend a lot of time alone otherwise.

Still figuring out hth to handle the situation tbh.

Feel free to talk here eh.

rx

Morgan1978

G'day Croix, well the short answer is I worked for a long time, then mental health issues popped up, chronic/depression, crippling anxiety, two nervous breakdowns & stays in hospital etc..... & along with all of that I was a functioning drug addict & alcoholic too, been fully sober now off everything for around 5 years but only recently put down my tobacco pipes & not a day goes by when I dont seriously crave a full tobacco pipe but Im still staying strong so I'll get there. I guess the few friends I did have the 1 or 2 didn't really want to be friends anymore when I got sober, same ol story isn't it? Lol & when I say family, they are my family & I love each of them, but all three of my sisters are out with their own lives & wonderful children so really the only friends I have that I see are my dogs. How did I choose this? Well the short version is, I tried & tried & tried to fit in be social & all that stuff, & I sometimes pulled it off I suppose probably the false confidence from the drugs or booze was the reason but anyway after I got fully sober, I had chances to put myself out there, to socialise & all that, but like I said its the short version so there are many reasons why I chose to stick to myself & here we are. Anyway thanks fir the reply, hope ya doing alright mate.

Morgan1978

G'day randomxx, please see the reply I left for Croix as that explains it, thank you very much for the reply & I hope you are well. Kind regards,

Morgan

blues23

Hi morgan1978

me too struggling with forming friendships some I had early on in my early 30s only they wanted to be friends if I bailed them out financially or if they could use me in some way ( one friend I had asked me for $$ for groceries I did one time then the next week she was back at it I had to refuse because I don’t have much money myself and am a single parent she was too but had no job . Some other work colleagues are kinda there for me a bit but only if I reach out first . My family dynamic is complex and I’ve essentially had to cut off my sister due to emotional abuse and my father for the same reason and it has essentially made me very emotional and hard to trust people or even consider reuniting that dynamic knowing what they think of me . I have my uncle left he live hours away. Making new friends is hard I kinda don’t trust people or I’m super awkward about making conversations and not really comfortable with new people. I’m trying to but like you essentially I have my pets And a one or two people I txt occasionally and one I email occasionally. I wonder if it ever gets better . Like you I’ve kinda chosen my path but I feel I was also kinda forced onto it because being to kind too much of a yes person and being too trusting and wanting to have a friend or even a family and I was isolated as a kid i wasn’t allowed to have friends any I had my mum soon chased them off or I wonder if I just attract people that only want me for their own personal reasons saviour or whatever but it is what it is I try my best to keep happy or learn to be happy keep busy I’m mostly happy by myself but I do get lonely like everyone but I just wonder what it is that makes it so hard or why I can’t have a real relationship even with family or friends in it . Kinda sucks in a way but better than being used & mistreated.

therising

Hi Morgan1978

I can relate to not sensing the need to develop friendships until finally feeling that need. Whether it's felt as a basic need or a deep need can depend on where we are in life. While we can love spending time with some of the elements that make up who we are (such as the part of us that leads us to wonder, the passionate researcher in us or the daydreamer), sometimes those elements or facets just aren't enough. As you say 'None of us are islands'.

I can also relate to the difference between drinking to manage a lot of emotional challenges, including social challenges, and no longer being an emotional drinker. Speak to just about any ex emotional drinker and they'll say the same thing, something along the lines of 'Alcohol took the edges off a lot of the sharp emotions' and 'The skills I didn't have to develop while I was drinking are skills I now have to work on developing'. So you could say alcohol and other drugs can be relate to delayed development. While analysing the hell out of social anxiety, so as to experience some degree of heaven on earth, you can come to realise just how much can be involved. Whether it involves a dread of small talk, the stress that comes with not having a vast array of social skills, the ability to feel an overload of sound (in crowded noisy places), a lack of confidence or something else, the challenges can be many. With practice and development, the sharp edges can be gradually smoothed off. No alcohol needed. As a 56yo gal, I have my work cut out for me😅.

Personally, I haven't felt the need to establish and develop new friendships until recently. While some would see it as questionable, my mum (who passed away last year) was my bestie. In the last couple of decades or so we developed into the best of friends. Putting her title and age aside ('mother' and 86 at the time of her passing), I couldn't have asked for a better friend. She was loving, compassionate, encouraging, supportive, an absolute comedian, someone who could bring out the best in me, non judgemental and the list goes on. I promised her I'd find a new circle of friends when she passed, something that put her mind at ease as her health began to fail. Now I'm feeling this need, more than ever, before launching myself out of my comfort zone and into some area of society😁. Btw, one of the best pieces of life advice I received from someone is 'Figure out how or what you want to develop. Find a circle of people who are going to lead you to develop in such ways. They are your circle'. I have some ideas.

The need for greater self understanding and self development is something we will often feel, right through to the end of our time here on earth. Of course, we'll feel the need to different degrees at different times and in different ways. If we all paddle our individual canoes to an island of friendship, we can meet as friends comparing notes, while also having a bit of a laugh at times.