Un appreciated husband.

[Topher_212]

Hello,

this is all very new to me. Tbh I don’t even know how to start talking about how I feel.

all I know is that i feel terribly alone in my life, which is crazy to say because i am a father of two young children and have a wife we’ve been together since we were teenagers. 
but i feel completely un appreciated.

i have all these expectations of me as a father and provider which I have done and continue to do, I am present in my kids lives at all the sports spend all weekends with them and after work each night, I run a construction business, I’m present at home, dishes, make beds, lawns, cooking probably half the meals (I actually enjoy cooking a lot), but I don’t get what I need from my family. 
No one ever asks how I’m doing, my wife never asks me how my day was. 
Literally the first words that come out of my mouth when I get home are how are you how was your day. I’m genuinely interested, because I look forward to seeing my family after my day because my life is pretty stressful to say the least.

but it seems my wife couldn’t care less about how I feel or what I have to go through in order to provide the luxuries she has and experience. 
she drive a a Mercedes Benz, a jeep grand Cherokee before that, and Toyota rav 4 before that! All purchased for her. I bought our house. I renovated it. I paid for the renovations, I worked my ass off to pay and complete the renovations after work and on weekends in my spare time (which there is f all of) 

i asked her for help many times during the renovation. Even simply holding the wheel barrow for me while i mixed concrete or help me mix some glue for the crazy pavers,  you think I got any.

We went to Europe for a 5 week holiday as a family. She wouldn’t even know or care how much that cost me, or the stress of paying for it, as long as she got the insta pics.

Our life is filled with blatant double standards, she could yell and scream and talk horribly to all of us and be disrespectful to me in front of the kids or just in general, but you dish it back at her?, now I’m the worst guy in the world. How dare I speak that way to her. 

nowadays I feel a-lot of anger and resentment towards her. And it’s eating me alive. 
I don’t want to break up my family, but she is destroying this marriage and doesn’t seem to give a rats about my issues. I’ve lost count the amount of times I’ve tried to have a genuine discussion about this with her , but she can never  see anyone’s side but her own, and she’s always the victim. 

I don’t know what to do. 
and I think I’m depressed. 

[Croix]

Dear New Member~

I'd like to welcome you here to the Forum. A good move as sometimes a person can be too close to a problem to see the overall picture. Frankly if you feel depressed it may well be caused by your situation.

From what you say it looks like you have put an awful lot into your family, with being the bread earner, proving luxuries, caring and being attentive and doing a lot of chores, not to mention renovations and holidays. Maybe too much under the circumstances and you and the things you do are simply being taken for granted. Of course anyone would expect to be appreciated and I'm am sure the longer this unfair treatment  goes on the more unhappy and resentful a person can become.

Any marriage ought to be a partnership, each equally bearing the load, even if by doing different things, and care, and show they care, for each other. This is a long way from what you are experiencing. 

As raising this with your wife has lead to arguments do you think it might be worth while for the pair of you to get counceling? Not always effective but a first thing to try. I can recommend Relationships Australia. If they do not have an office near you then they can probably suggest something closer. Sometimes a third person can be useful.

If that does not go ahead or have a positive effect it may be time to consider other options.

Do you have anyone on your side, a family member of friend perhaps? Tying to face all this by yourself is extra hard, and just being able to talk to someone that cares can make a difference. They do not have to 'fix' anything, just listen and care.

Please feel you can come back and talk more, you will be welcome.

Croix

[therising]

The warmest of welcomes to you at such an incredibly challenging time in your life. I feel for you so much and in so many ways. The mental and emotional challenges you face, the amount of time you spend working both outside of home (in your business) and at home, the lack of appreciation you receive and feel, the desperation you're sensing with the need for constructive change in your marriage and a number of other factors is why I feel for you in so many different ways. I can understand how down you must be feeling, how exhausted, frustrated, angry, resentful, stressed and more.

I think it's fair to ask ourself and others to be reasonable or reason able. To be able to offer valid reason and accept valid reason is an ability or skill in life that involves different levels of consciousness. For a start, to seek a reason from your wife as to why she never asks you how your day went is fair. If her reason for not asking comes down to 'I shouldn't have to', then that's questionable. On the other hand, if her reason for not asking came down to something like 'Every time I've ever asked you, you've said it was s**t and that you hate the job and when I've asked you if you want to talk about it, you've said no. I no longer ask you because I dread your response and it brings me down and I don't want to feel that anymore'. Either way, the reason offers insight. 'I shouldn't have to' can point to a sense of self entitlement, whereas the other reason points to a form of mental and emotional management.

I'm wondering if your wife is someone who is 1)basically unreasonable, 2)offers highly questionable reasons worth exploring or 3)offers completely valid reasons at times. At the end of the day, I find it's about accountability. Some people either can't (for some reason) or won't take accountability for their words, behavior, actions, emotions etc. I think sometimes we have to demand reasons, demand some level of accountability. I know, easier said than done. While my husband can be a reasonable person at times, I've lost track of the amount of times he's said 'I don't know' when I've questioned why he thinks and behaves in the ways he does at times. Pushing for reasons can cause arguments. 

From my own experience, when there are just so many questions in a marriage, the marriage itself starts to become questionable. We can suppress the need for answers for years, until the need becomes so great where suppression no longer works. If we continue not getting the answers that will lead the marriage to evolve, it can become depressing.