Wedding planning ruining our relationship

[G.P]

My fiance and I are just a few weeks out from our wedding, and our patience with each other and our stress levels have increased significantly. More than ever we're arguing, emotionally drained, financially depleted, losing sleep, spend less quality time with each other and losing sight of the day as a celebration of us, and not the guests. We're exhausted, and admittedly I have doubts about our relationship and if going through with this is still worth it. Sometimes I do see that we have a bright future together, other times I don't see it at all. His anger bites harder, and many hurtful things are said in the moment. For me, that's the hardest part, absorbing his anger and really thinking if the anger is reflective of what's to come moving forward. I just don't know anymore.

Will this all pass, or is this the end of the road for us? 

GP

[therising]

Hi G.P

I feel for you as you face so many challenges that can come with planning a wedding. From my own experience, I can say planning a wedding is definitely one way to test a relationship and the people within it.

Such a significant event can bring out facets of us and our partner that maybe haven't been met with before or haven't been met with in their extreme. While I married my husband 21 years ago, I can still recall how his usual laid back self seriously began to test me during the wedding planning stage, when I needed him to step up more. I'm sure, if you asked him, he'd be able to tell you how the stresser in me fully came to life during that time. While being laid back can be good in some cases and a healthy level of stress can be a motivator to manage and achieve within a certain time frame, when these qualities meet under certain conditions they're not so good. I think in this case it was a test to 'meet in the middle', down out of stress and up out of complacency. I'd have to say marriage is about a common promise (compromise) most people don't speak of in their wedding vows. While the traditional common promises are exchanged between each other (I promise to love you in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad times etc), perhaps 'I promise to seek reason and, in doing so, meet in the middle' is one of the most important.

I suppose finding reason/s behind his anger will help you decide the way forward. I find it handy to better define anger in others and myself. For example is it extreme intolerance, extreme frustration, an extreme feeling of neglect or dismissiveness (leading to resentment), a lack of control/self regulation under extreme stress and so on? Some of those things can creep up on us without us realising they were edging toward the extreme, bit by bit. On the other hand, anger can also relate to a person managing to continue having everything their own way. The fear they instill in others is their tool for managing. Anger and fear can be the tools of a self serving person. So, the question may be 'Is he feeling like he's in a pressure cooker of emotion, letting off steam in highly questionable ways, or is he someone who's always managed to get his own way through anger and fear?'. If he's letting off steam in ways that are depressing, that in itself is 100% questionable.

Sounds like you're both under a lot of stress. Finances alone can be stressful enough. While watching the bank balance go down, the stress levels can go up. There can be a heck of a lot of tests within a relationship/marriage. Honest and thoughtful communication is often the key to passing those tests together. Wishing you only the best.🙂❤️