Wanting to hear from survivors of infidelity

Bailey13 · ‎13-06-2017

Hi, I have been on the receiving end of a cheating husband (married 10 years, 2 kids). I know the majority will say reconciling will never work but I'm not ready to write it all off. I'd love to hear from anyone who has stayed in their relationship after being cheated on and how they are coping or managed to find peace, if that's even possible. My husband is very determined to rebuild or marriage. I sway day to day from feeling positive to not comprehending how it could possibly work. I'm feeling really stuck and scared of making everything worse either which way I turn. I don't want to fully invest myself back into our relationship unless i can cope with the lies and infidelity creeping up on me all the time. I trust that he loves me and would never do it again, but i don't trust myself to be able to get over it enough to not allow my hurt and sadness to interfere with our marriage. Anyone been or in a similar situation with some advice for me?

Bridge678 · ‎31-07-2022

Hi lost, I’m about 4 months in from discovering my husband had cheated, it is getting easier but truthfully the biggest part for us moving forward was to work out why it happened in the first place. I was able to get my husband to tell me what had been making him unhappy which in return I was able to explain to him that I had been unhappy and he wasn’t listening to me eventually I shut down from our relationship at which point he had an affair. It doesn’t excuse it but he know understands he needs to listen to me and also talk to me about how he feels as well.

Mrs Chloe · ‎27-11-2022

hi Bailey

Im going through something similar now.

I was looking forward to read lots of practical tips in the replies but sadly there's not a lot.

I hopeful that we may still save this marriage but the daily struggle is a torture.

I dont want to tell my family and friends as they will tell me to leave him when i dont want to - yet.

that's why im on the phone to counsellors and now online.. to vent and to gain some perspective.

i do hope we come out happy whatever the outcome will be from this trial.

I certainly cannot smile nor chuckle nowadays.

Alllison · ‎20-03-2023

Hi Chloe

I'm so sorry to hear about your circumstances, but it's great that you are reaching out for help. I've been in recovery for 2 years.

My husband has been unfaithful for 25 years and has led a secret life of compulsive sexual behavior. He lied for decades and would gaslight me. We are in recovery, he is desperate to save the marriage, but I have one foot out the door and am struggling with recovery. I'm ambivalent about it all. Very confusing.

If you want to save the marriage, your partner will need help .... treatment for compulsive/addictive behavior is very different to treatment for traditional affairs (I.e., acting out that is not compulsive/addictive), so it's important to get the right help. You will likely also need treatment for ptsd (betrayal trauma). You then need relational help to rebuild the relationship.

Recovery is a lot of work for both partners and you need to find a therapist with the right training and skills. It can be hard to find a therapist who specialises in infidelity. Most are general marriage counselors who don't have expertise in betrayal trauma, so you may not get support to manage triggers, flashbacks or emotional flooding.

With the right support and treatment for you both as individuals and the coupleship, and with a lot of work by both parties, there is good data to show the relationship can transform into something special ... I know that's tough to hear and sounds ridiculous ... I battle with it, too. However, even if you leave the relationship, you can get to a better place quicker if you do your own work to heal. I'm so sorry you're going through this. You wouldn't wish it on anyone. It's debilitating and sucks every ounce of mental energy,

Sending you and everyone else on this forum my best wishes and a big hug.

Good luck, Chloe.

Angela

Wolfgee

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Mrs Chloe

Thank you for the kind words Angela.

its been more then a year since I left my cheating ex. Repairing the marriage was impossible as therapy seemed like a joke for him. He already moved on and even reasoned out why he needs to cheat.
Looking back, I wish I left earlier. But I prolly wouldn’t have my beautiful son if I left too soon. We have a friendly interaction now. I even dated once but didn’t work out.

I’m afraid I need to part with the saying- once a cheater, always a cheater.