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Dr_Kim Understanding feelings of rejection. 
  • replies: 38

Rejection is such a tough one to deal with, I am yet to meet anyone who embraces it and I know many people who go to extraordinary lengths to avoid it. I think the only way to get on in life is to see it as part of the human experience, much like los... View more

Rejection is such a tough one to deal with, I am yet to meet anyone who embraces it and I know many people who go to extraordinary lengths to avoid it. I think the only way to get on in life is to see it as part of the human experience, much like loss and grief. You can’t have the good bits without sometimes experiencing the bad, it’s just the way it is! So we all need to develop ways of managing the difficult emotions that rejection throws up. Lets think about what those thoughts or emotions might be. Here’s some examples. 1. “I’m not good enough” This is a common one. It’s so easy for us to see what we think are faults and think that others can see them too and convince ourselves that these faults make us unlovable. These thoughts are often on replay from a nasty part of our brain, that low self-esteem part that makes us believe that unless we are “perfect”, we cannot possibly be loved or accepted. The honest truth is that we are all just imperfect passengers on the"bus of life”, doing the best we can with whatever we can in the moment! So welcome on board. Brene Brown has some wonderful YouTube videos about this, I'm going to share one below however also recommend you check out her channel as there are many more! 2. "Nobody will ever love me”. This is a very common thought and it comes from the anxious part of our brains that also seems to have a crystal ball! The anxiety centre seems to think it has very good predictive powers but it is a trap and don’t listen to it! It’s a complete and utter lie that anxiety often tells us. 3. “I’ve ruined the ‘perfect relationship’, now what?” Sometimes this is a stage of grief. Often, when we are grieving a loss, we go through a phase of idealising. Things like “it was perfect” are common because it conveniently erases all the things that weren’t that you don’t want to deal with. For example: I see this sometimes with patients who had terrible relationships with their family members and complain bitterly for years, and then once they pass away, the grief allows them to only seem to recall the wonderful times. In some ways, it a blessing, but it can mean in some situations that the hindsight is not always accurate. I also think that in viewing the relationship in an idealised way prevents any real opportunity to learn and grow from it. We can all gain from understanding how we went wrong in experiences so that we don’t repeat the same unintended mistakes. In summary, rejection is a common and necessary part of being in the game of life. To not be in the game because of fear would be a huge shame . Life is too short not to experience the many wonderful emotions that come from being ourselves. In Brene Brown's language: it’s important not to spend your time walking around the arena of life waiting to feel perfect so you won’t be rejected. Just kick the door down and step in and don’t let the critics get you down.

Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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Z91 Fractured relationship with father
  • replies: 1

Hi, I’m new to beyondblue forums so please be kind. About me: I’m in my late 20s, I work full-time in a job I enjoy, I live at home with my parents (still depend) and have saved a house deposit. I’m very introverted don’t have friends / girlfriend or... View more

Hi, I’m new to beyondblue forums so please be kind. About me: I’m in my late 20s, I work full-time in a job I enjoy, I live at home with my parents (still depend) and have saved a house deposit. I’m very introverted don’t have friends / girlfriend or a social life. My interest are the gym, video games, tech. Since adolescence I have suffered from debilitating social anxiety which left me becoming house bound, though over the years I still managed to (catch train and bus and drive) to TAFE to study IT, then some university and after drifting for a while between courses, I tried a Trade (3 and half years ago) and have never looked back, I’m well liked by my work bosses and I’m dedicated to my work been told I’m a real asset. Because I have been housebound and spent a lot of time being alone due to (social anxiety), isolation etc I have never had girlfriend my dad and estranged socially outgoing brother have labelled me GAY. They have called me this for years. My brother told this to everyone of his girlfriend/s, spreading this rumour, reinforcing Dads belief, mind you this coming from dad’s favourite child. In the past I have told dad I’m not gay. This week dad went a step further by announcing my assumed sexual orientation to my extended family (dads side) But I know I’m not gay, I don’t feel turned on by men and have never sought out a. relationship with one, I don’t have sexual feelings for guys. I’ve always wanted a girlfriend but nerves disable me (sweaty trembling hands and a racing heart). I feel hurt by dad and frustrated by this obsession to label me It’s difficult to get away from when living at home. My father won’t speak to me as my brother reinforces this belief. Dad even mutter poofter under his breath when Im around the house. I have heard mum and talking about me when I’m in my bedroom. My brother and I don’t get along at all since adolescence I avoid him because I feel like loser because of his social ability. Over the years since working I’ve managed to achieve what I never thought possible joining a gym, walking through the shopping centre regularly, getting a haircut, driving with confidence around town, buying new tech in person and not online. Though I’ve made some progress my social life has not, I struggle meet girls and don’t really understand the language of romancing one. Would really appreciate some feedback on dads behaviour and the labelling.

white knight Words from a loved one that hurt deep
  • replies: 6

Hi all, In my 20's I took off from society with a half planned escape from the world. I did that 5 times before I figured out it couldnt work. Why? In a nutshell- people...or rather my ultra sensitivity.. likely both. It's the same old story from the... View more

Hi all, In my 20's I took off from society with a half planned escape from the world. I did that 5 times before I figured out it couldnt work. Why? In a nutshell- people...or rather my ultra sensitivity.. likely both. It's the same old story from then till my now 65 years, one reaches out to give love and down the track words are said that cut through all my defences. I used to allow others to throw their stones, take the damage and retreat. Then in later years I've learned that fighting back with an immediate response works better, it neutralises the attack. That's ok for neighbours, acquaintances and people you do business with, after all why take their aggression? However, close loved ones are different. To keep this general rather than select a few personal cases of mine- do you get extremely affected emotionally if you receive nasty words from a loved one? What is your reaction? Actually I will give you one example. In 1997 I built my own house while working shift work. It was way above my physical capability but I finished it. Last year I built my recent house at 64 years of age and just finished it. including landscaping. I've had a small altercation from a reasonably close relative that saw me in the supermarket. As I knew I was going out that morning I changed into what I thought was better clothes but didnt realise there was some paint on my shirt which was hidden by my pot belly lol. The lady said "hey big fella, why dont you get into something more presentable when you go out, bit of laziness creeping in there". I looked at where she pointed- it was the paint blotches, 3 in total about fingernail size. I joked it off. When my wife and I returned home it hit me, certainly a trigger and its been a struggle today. In true form I'll get over it in a few hours. I'm aware my mothers dominance when I was a child right up to 10 years ago when I stopped seeing her, plays a major part in being triggered. I've dwelled on it and that word "laziness" is what grates me. It is exactly what I'm not. Does anyone have ideas on how to battle this? Of course, I've tried many things over 50 years. TonyWK

MissJ94 Maintaining relationships
  • replies: 2

I feel like i have a major issue when it comes to maintaining relationships. The only people i regularly talk to are my mum and my son. I have a sister who im not majorly close with but we still talk at times. Her husband is an ass so the only words ... View more

I feel like i have a major issue when it comes to maintaining relationships. The only people i regularly talk to are my mum and my son. I have a sister who im not majorly close with but we still talk at times. Her husband is an ass so the only words spoken between us is a greeting. They have 2 kids that im close with. My brother and I dont talk to each other, kinda like my sisters husband. They all live together with my mum. So when i go over there its always awkward. Its like theres "them" and then theres me, the odd one out. Theyre all talking about whatever and i have no idea whats going on because im just not included. They have this great relationship with each other and then there i am, a loner. I look at my family and ask myself why am i even there? Who are these people? I dont know these people. I want to disappear. Similar thing with friends. I lost all my high school friends when i got pregnant at 16. Made some new friends when i got to uni but one left the group after she had her first baby and the other is now with a new man and only talks to me when she needs help. Havent been able to make friends at work because i just dont know how to. I feel like i really lack social skills. I did dancing for many years and even there felt like the odd one out. I love to game but the anxiety heightens at the thought of playing with other people. Just the slightest social interaction, even if its family, just drains me mentally! Need days to recover from it! Makes me feel bad as a mum because i dont know my sons friends parents, we dont go out much because of this social phobia kinda thing. Feel like my son is missing out so much. He hears of his friends and cousins going out on the weekend and there we are at home because i dont have the energy to interact with people. Feel like hes going to grow up thinking we never did anything because of issues i have. Id love to have friends! But when i think of the work that needs to go into maintaining a friendship, i just dont have the patience for it. The drama, the different interests, having to interact socially. It mentally drains me just thinking about it.

Blender Overwhelmed by supporting stepfamily
  • replies: 12

Long time reader, first time poster. Basically overwhelmed by living in ground hog day. Stepson has mental health issues, past trauma, and substance abuse problems up to and including week long meth binges. household rules and boundaries have gradual... View more

Long time reader, first time poster. Basically overwhelmed by living in ground hog day. Stepson has mental health issues, past trauma, and substance abuse problems up to and including week long meth binges. household rules and boundaries have gradually eroded as there is no way of enforcing them. Drug counselor has said to make sure he has a safe place to land, and just keep supporting him in good choices, can't provide consequences for bad choices as that feels like punishment and it'll push him away, blah blah. He moved out at 16 then back in six months later "for two weeks" (three months ago) when people around him we're buying him alcohol. We live with instability, mood swings, the threat of violence to people and property, manipulation, petty theft etc etc etc I just see the black tunnel if this situation stretching ahead until one of us dies. Psych, counseling, lifeline etc all end in various flavours of "that sounds really hard to deal with" and "learn acceptance" but nothing practical that I can actually DO other than keep my mouth shut, don't rock the boat, and learn to suck it up. I have constant suicidal ideation - serious, but not urgent... I know exactly where, when and how, if things don't get better. It feels calming to run through the plan step by step in my head, and makes me feel like there is some "hope" for the situation changing. Currently there's about 75-80% chance of it all being over in under 2 years.

KangarooBoi My girlfriend of nearly 6 years left me
  • replies: 4

Hi my girlfriend of nearly 6 years told me she doesn’t love me anymore and broke up with me a week ago we share a child together and I’m finding it hard to cope with what has happened, our relationship wasn’t always easy but I felt as though we had w... View more

Hi my girlfriend of nearly 6 years told me she doesn’t love me anymore and broke up with me a week ago we share a child together and I’m finding it hard to cope with what has happened, our relationship wasn’t always easy but I felt as though we had worked through a lot of our problems, she said that she needs to be by herself to find herself and love herself again as she is depressed after a few deaths in the last 12 months, she said she doesn’t want to get back together but she doesn’t know what the future holds and doesn’t know if once she does find herself that she will want to get back together! what do I do? I cant just not talk to her because we have a child

Flipside My husbands emotional affair -feeling lost on what to do!!
  • replies: 2

I apologise if this seems to be a novel, but I want to be completely thorough on my situations. The catalyst was an unplanned pregnancy. We had two children who were 6 and 9. We thought our family was complete. I thoroughly thought through both optio... View more

I apologise if this seems to be a novel, but I want to be completely thorough on my situations. The catalyst was an unplanned pregnancy. We had two children who were 6 and 9. We thought our family was complete. I thoroughly thought through both options, but with hubby being self employed and I was already feeling invisible due to a very busy life. I honestly told him that I was scared to terminate as if he couldn't give me emotional support I would need, I feared resentment would creep into our marriage. Never had another conversation about this, no matter how hard I tried. He refused to talk about it. Fast forward, beautiful baby girl, sibling ecstatic. Hubby not so. I did everything for baby. Hubby would go days without touching her. I booked him a doctors appointment thinking it was PND and told him I didn't have the tools to help him and to get a mental health plan to get back on track. He cancelled appointment. Baby 12 weeks old. Hubby has best mates 40th on house boat. Never ever had trust issues, so I stayed at home with kids. There he met 'the bird', also married, best friends wife BFF and a jeweller designer for engagement/wedding rings. After this hubby started becoming very removed, then covid hit. I found a birthday card in his car lockdown August 2020. He came up with the wildest lies. I didn't buy it. After using my forensics background I did a handwriting comparison to get my truth. More lies. They were just friends trying to help mend their BF's marriage which had since broken down. Still I didn't buy it. The hardest thing for me was, up until this point, hubby had one of the strongest moral codes that I have ever seen in a person. December 2020 hubby was unbearably moody and a functioning alcoholic. I asked him point blank if there was another woman. More lies. 3 weeks before my 40th he told me he didn't love me the way he should. I proactively booked us in for marriage counselling the following Jan. After a few joint/single sessions in March I found his declaration of love in a valentines poem he wrote to her in his Icloud. My world turned upside down. Gutted, betrayed, hurt and lonely. I know he is sorry and hates what he did. In his way he wants to fix it, but for me there had been no transparency. Only his word. I have access to nothing. Ive asked for copies of phone bills. Still waiting. To the outside world I am a strong, level headed, confident, happy woman. On the inside I am a shell who is struggling to come to terms with my life!

littleboo Healthy relationship after experiencing domestic violence
  • replies: 2

I finally left a domestic violence relationship after years of trying to escape, which almost cost me my life. i ended up in hospital in the psych ward and met a really nice guy there that is understanding, considerate, caring and all the things i am... View more

I finally left a domestic violence relationship after years of trying to escape, which almost cost me my life. i ended up in hospital in the psych ward and met a really nice guy there that is understanding, considerate, caring and all the things i am not used to. he is so amazing and we are good for each other but i am struggling with this new type of relationship as i am so used to the turbulent ways of my exes, its almost like i am struggling to stay interested and fighting urges to self sabotage. i really like this guy and i know its is healthy and what i deserve but i my feelings of low self worth are still prevalent and its hard to let myself be loved the way i deserve. has anyone had a similar experience?

OpinionsNeeded Wife/mother struggling with everything and concealing diagnosed condition
  • replies: 4

Hi, I had drafted a longer post only to find there’s a character limit. This is a truncated version of what I wrote: My wife has been behaving extremely aggressively for approaching three years. This is in stark contrast to her underlying nature, whi... View more

Hi, I had drafted a longer post only to find there’s a character limit. This is a truncated version of what I wrote: My wife has been behaving extremely aggressively for approaching three years. This is in stark contrast to her underlying nature, which is one of great kindness, empathy and grace. Now she seeks conflict at every turn, especially with me, but also with our three-year-old daughter. It was only when I raised the possibility of contacting child protection that my wife dialled down the screaming at her, and while it still occasionally surfaces, it is far less sustained than it was in the past. I have put it to her that she may be facing mental health issues but she has been resistant to that and turns it back on me. I have spoken to a range of counsellors and doctors describing her behaviour, and they agree she meets the criteria for mental health problems but naturally can’t diagnose without seeing her themselves. Meanwhile my wife acts insulted and outraged each time I suggest we tackle this together, even suggesting I am trying to undermine her social standing (she is originally Chinese and subscribes strongly to the notion of ‘saving face’, which I feel potentially adds an extra layer of complexity). Her memory is often distorted, forgetting things that happened or were told her, or recalling things that never transpired (either that or my own memory is faulty). She is disengaged from life, although she does enjoy lovely moments with our child when things are calmer. At my wife’s behest we are not a family as I’m excluded from almost everything - we’re not even permitted to take family meals because I would be a ‘distraction’. I care for our daughter until 12pm daily and she knows something is wrong and says her mother’s anger makes her ‘tired’. This concerns me a lot. Recently I felt that after 2.5 years of this I was justified in looking at her emails to try to gain some insight. It turned out the top email was to a counsellor, discussing ‘darker thoughts than ever’, a ‘chaotic mind’ and ‘mental vacuum’. She expressed despair at the state of the world, the CCP, Covid and her family’s future in CN. She also said she was on an increased dose of an antidepressant called Lexapro. I don’t know how long she has been taking medication. Either way she has evidently been diagnosed with a condition that she is not revealing to me. I understand it’s beyond my wife’s control, but I must admit I’m running out of ideas if she won’t let me help her.

nib Hurt.
  • replies: 6

I had not spoken with my grandmother in about four months after she had deliberately called me overweight. She called me overweight, after I told her that "life should be enjoyed, not endured," which was in response to the pair of us discussing my di... View more

I had not spoken with my grandmother in about four months after she had deliberately called me overweight. She called me overweight, after I told her that "life should be enjoyed, not endured," which was in response to the pair of us discussing my diet and exercise. I decided to visit back in May some time with the assumption that my father made for me to ponder over, that she wanted me to reconcile with her. I rang the doorbell to find that she was not impressed to see me at all. I thought that maybe visiting her and trying to talk with her about the fact that she called me overweight had affected me negatively, but instead she deflected the situation onto me and played the victim, which is typical behaviour from her. Her claim is that I am abusive to her although when I confronted her about that she was unable to provide any evidence of me behaving in such a way. I also just wanted an apology for her calling me overweight and for the fact that she abused me over the phone at the beginning of last year. I got cross with her after she dismissed my feelings because I was hurt by how condescending she was towards me. She told either my mother or father that if we attend her house again she will put restraining orders against my mother and I, even though the pair of us have done nothing wrong and nothing to her. My grandmother has also threatened to get a Maori woman in out family to beat up my mum and I. I decided to call SAPOL against my mother's will at this point and the lady I spoke to was friendly and put in a report and recommended that I seek advice from a police officer at a police station. Her daughter, who is my aunt, as well as a cousin of mine, blocked my mother and I on Facebook out of sheer pettiness. Pathetic, really. My grandmother, who I should mention is a SOCIAL WORKER has previously been verbally and physically abusive to me. I recall being on a holiday with her and she belted me repeatedly because I was experiencing separation anxiety.

F_55 Can’t forgive myself for betraying my ex
  • replies: 3

Hello, thanks to anyone who takes the time to read this. I hurt & lost the love of my life. We were together for almost 10 years and it’s been a year since she rightfully broke up with me. I’m so completely broken. I feel selfish for feeling bad abou... View more

Hello, thanks to anyone who takes the time to read this. I hurt & lost the love of my life. We were together for almost 10 years and it’s been a year since she rightfully broke up with me. I’m so completely broken. I feel selfish for feeling bad about it because it was all my fault. It’s also why it’s hard to come here and ask for help, but I don’t know how long I can keep doing this. I cheated on my ex by sexting another. Years before that I even went to pay for sex, I didn’t do it but I hate myself for it. I even told people I had so they could hate me as much as I hated myself. I lied about little things, I lied about big things. I disrespected her and took her for granted. I lost her trust and respect. I was supposed to look after her. The thought of having made her feel worthless and alone physically makes me feel ill. I have issues. Anxiety, depression, I was sexually abused when I was a kid, but I’m not comfortable talking about it. No one knows, I never even told my ex. I only just have the courage to admit it here because I need help. I’m not blaming any of it for my actions, plenty of people have those issues and not cheat. I’m still just trying to figure out how I could hurt this person so much and who I am. I cry & drink myself to sleep almost every night. Drinking is the only thing that numbs the pain. I’m not okay, I have intrusive thoughts, I don’t sleep, I have near constant anxiety and I can’t forgive myself for what I’ve done. For the pain I put her through. I keep punishing myself, I feel worthless and the disgust, self loathing and guilt that comes with that knowledge is overwhelming. She started seeing someone else and I’m truely happy for her, she’s moved.. But it’s hard for me knowing someone else is making her happy, which is what I should have been doing. Instead I made her cry. I legitimately hate myself.