Anxiety over long term couple goals
Hi all. I’ve written here before and have received really lovely replies from people. I’ve been feeling awful after a tough conversation with a guy I have been seeing for the last few months. Dating has been a traumatic thing for me over the years. Dating apps didn’t help, I don’t look back on my time on them fondly, in fact I cringe. I have done a lot of selfwork over the years and finally recognised a “good egg” in a guy. We have been seeing each other every week since the first date months ago and it’s the healthiest and most green flag relationship I have had. He feels the same. I’m so excited to finally have someone so consistent and reliable. He flagged on our second date that he wasn’t 100% sure if he wanted kids. I still think we’re young (we are 28) so I didn’t worry too much because I have plenty of friends who are also unsure and he wasn’t a 100% “no”. We in the meantime have created a great relationship so far. Last night he mentioned that the chat about children again had been a long time coming. He has been mentioning his job instability for quite some time and he again mentioned that as his reason for not being 100% sure if he wanted kids. I’m not in a rush. I said within 5 or 6 years I’d want a child. He seemed emotional about this. He’s not opposed to children, it’s just the financial side he’s worried about. The conversation turned quite upsetting for both of us and he left the ball in my court if I wanted to break up with him or not. I don’t feel ready to give up the relationship. I know he didn’t get a job he applied for recently - I don’t know if this is playing on his mind. I’m so so upset. I finally found myself in a fulfilling relationship and we seem to be having a conflict over something so massive like this. It’s the fact that he’s not 100% a no that keeps me wondering if he’s still worth dating. I’m so gutted. My biggest dream is to have at least one child. My dating experiences have been so awful, this guy has been different and so much healthier than what I had before.
Firstly, I’m so happy that you have managed to find yourself in a healthy loving relationship with a guy who treats you well. And you both seem to be able to communicate pretty effectively about major issues, which is a great plus. But unfortunately you don’t seem to be on quite the same page at the moment regarding kids. I suppose what you need to figure out is if he is feeling this way because his current financial position is clouding his view (a good possibility) or whether he genuinely doesn’t want kids. He might be feeling a bit overwhelmed at the moment and hence the jumping to giving you the option of breaking up. Given that you don’t want kids for another 5 to 6 years, I’d this something you are able to assess over the next year? You could even give yourself a deadline and then decide. He either ends up compromising and having kids earlier than he may feel financially ready, you push your timeline back later to give him some more time, or you bite the bullet and walk away. For the first two, you’d need to be pretty sure that the reason he has given you is actually his real reason though as you don’t want to waste all your time on someone who had no intention of ever having/wanting kids.