Loss of libido after kids - Relationship dying

[Tanti]

My partner and I have been together for 10 years and we have 2 kids together (2y.o and 6m.o).

My libido has yet to come back after my second child. To be fair, I think it was slowing down before kids but now it's non-existent.

I've been to the doctors and medically everything is all right.

I just don't want sex. I don't think about sex. I don't feel sexy. I don't find anybody else sexy. It's as though my body is just numb. My body feels sexually and emotionally unresponsive.

To engage in sex feels like a chore and I'm not getting much out of it.

This is not a reflection on my partner. I love him. I just have no sexual desire and it's impacting everything.

It's more dramatic than just no sex, my partner has said I no longer show him as much affection generally. I wasn't even aware I was being less affectionate as a whole until he told me.

Knowing this does not change how I feel though.

In order for me to be more affectionate, I have to consciously choose to act so. It's not intuitive anymore. And it feels forced and unnatural. I get the whole 'fake it until you make it' idea but it's not working and after a while I forget to make the effort because it's not an instinctual behaviour. I don't mean to do this. Then he has to have THE conversation again with me. Which makes him feel unheard and unimportant to me. And I feel like a bitch.

To compound the issue, the pressure to perform and the continued conversations around how I keep failing are building resentment towards sex. I don't feel like it and now I'm also angry about it.

I'm broken. My body is failing us both and I don't know what to do. We keep having the same conversation and my best efforts don't last. Our relationship is going to end and it's my fault.

Part of me wants to end it and he can then move on to someone better.