FAQ

Find answers to some of the more frequently asked questions on the Forums.

Forums guidelines

Our guidelines keep the Forums a safe place for people to share and learn information.

Loss of libido after kids - Relationship dying

Tanti
Community Member
My partner and I have been together for 10 years and we have 2 kids together (2y.o and 6m.o).
 
My libido has yet to come back after my second child. To be fair, I think it was slowing down before kids but now it's non-existent.
I've been to the doctors and medically everything is all right.
 
I just don't want sex. I don't think about sex. I don't feel sexy. I don't find anybody else sexy. It's as though my body is just numb. My body feels sexually and emotionally unresponsive.
To engage in sex feels like a chore and I'm not getting much out of it.
This is not a reflection on my partner. I love him. I just have no sexual desire and it's impacting everything.
It's more dramatic than just no sex, my partner has said I no longer show him as much affection generally. I wasn't even aware I was being less affectionate as a whole until he told me.
Knowing this does not change how I feel though.
 
In order for me to be more affectionate, I have to consciously choose to act so. It's not intuitive anymore. And it feels forced and unnatural. I get the whole 'fake it until you make it' idea but it's not working and after a while I forget to make the effort because it's not an instinctual behaviour. I don't mean to do this. Then he has to have THE conversation again with me. Which makes him feel unheard and unimportant to me. And I feel like a bitch.
 
To compound the issue, the pressure to perform and the continued conversations around how I keep failing are building resentment towards sex. I don't feel like it and now I'm also angry about it.
 
I'm broken. My body is failing us both and I don't know what to do. We keep having the same conversation and my best efforts don't last. Our relationship is going to end and it's my fault.
 
Part of me wants to end it and he can then move on to someone better.
3 Replies 3

therising
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Tanti

 

Please don't be so hard on yourself. You're not broken. I hope you can come to look at it in a different way. It sounds like you're feeling the side-effects of something. What that something is becomes the question.

 

A GP can't necessarily check for everything. So one thing you could wonder about is what they haven't checked for, regarding physical influences. For example, a sleep condition such as sleep apnea can have the side-effect of reduced libido. Just one example of a physical factor. With the mental side of things, there can be a whole variety of issues we might be facing that can influence libido in one way or another. Resentment towards sex itself can definitely be a factor. Stress and mental pressure that comes with it can be another. Some resentment towards our partner can be another. I idea that sex has come to be about 'going through the motions' in no way makes things exciting. A lack of work up (only 5 minutes of foreplay) can be another factor. For some people, they can need the whole day to get worked up. Going from zero to 100 in a matter of minutes simply may not work anymore. As a 54yo gal, I can say the energy it takes to raise kids can also leave you with next to no energy at the end of the day, through to next to no energy at the start of the next day. Looking at emotion as 'energy in motion', 'I can't feel any energy in motion' can be a different way of looking at things. We can't work with what we can't feel.

 

Then there's a soulful kind of way of looking at it all. Physical/chemical energy aside and mental energy aside, the question could be 'What brings me to life?'. If what brings us to life isn't being incorporated into intimacy, this can become an issue. If romance is the thing that speaks to our soul and energises us, no romance can be an issue. If laughter and imagination also brings us to life and there's none of that involved in intimacy, that can be another issue. Change is another thing that can bring us to life, so if we've been assuming the same position/s for years then this may not necessarily spark things the way it used to.

 

Tanti, there can be dozens of reasons for the lack of interest. I'm wondering whether when your partner has 'the talk' with you, does he ever say anything along the lines of 'This is quiet the mystery. We'll work it out together, why you're just not feeling the vibe like you used to' or does he expect you to 'just get into it', without any great effort or detective work on his part? Sex can be used for a lot of different things: As a form of stress relief, as an immune system booster, as a promoter of dopamine, as a form of amusement, as a bonding exercise, a time of amusement/laughter (as mentioned) etc etc. The question is 'What do you want to use it for?'. Another way of putting this is 'What purpose does it serve?'.

 

I hope I lead you to smile when I offer the following: It's said that our body speaks to us through feelings and if we pay it enough attention, we'll feel what it's trying to say to us. Through pain, it will say to us 'There's something wrong in this particular area of me. Seek attention!'. Through a lack of energy, it may be saying 'I need more fuel/energy input'. Through not feeling the vibe when it comes to sex, it could be saying 'I'm bored with the same old ways. I've completely lost interest'. Perhaps this is your husband's challenge, to lead it to become interested again. You'll be able to feel whether what he does is working or not. Throw this challenge his way. 🙂

Hi Tanti, I feel so much for you, understand your feelings about this. I have been with my husband now for 20 years, second marriage for both of us. Sex in the beginning was fabulous, we had a great time but slowly over time something happened to me. I think it began with painful sex, and doctors didn't seem to be  able to help. I used creams to help, nothing did. I tried deep breathing to try to relax so it wasn't so painful, didn't help. I was on medication that probably caused the problem and I very much resented that. Still do. Now, I have no interest in sex at all. Would never ever think about it, quite happy to go through life without it ever again. I still love my husband, and feel so dreadful about it but he is good, understands the medication has killed my libido. We came to an arrangement, sorry this is awkward to put into writing and probably awkward for you to read but I got myself a vibrator, a really, really good one. I still have no thoughts like I am looking forward to using it but it does help get me over that barrier that I just don't want sex. I start using on my own, once I get going, it suddenly hits me and I call him in and it works. I actually do feel better afterwards and it has helped. It's something we often do on a Sunday night, I know, how stupid does that sound, but it's working for us. Google adult shops and check out some of the very high powered vibrators, no time wasters, they get you from zero to 100 in about 10 seconds......well that's what it feels like. So despite having no libido, something is still working if only for a little while on a Sunday night. Hope this helps. xx

Dear Tanti~

I'd like to join Thrising and AwayWithTheFairies in welcoming you here to the forum.

 

As you wil have read you have two different answers, one is to see if there is any discoverable reason for your libido level, and the other a partial solution that may work for some.

 

One obvious thing is having two kids changes both body and lifestyle, leaving one most probably wrung out at the end of every day. One possibility might be a holiday away from them, if that can be arranged. It might take a long while, if at all for this to have any effect, but you never know.

 

The thing that worries me the most is you seem to be blaming yourself " Our relationship is going to end and it's my fault." I fail to see how that is the case.

 

You do not deliberately try to make things difficult, quite the reverse you try to oblige even though you do not wish to, and your husband's "The Talk"  and your feelings of obligation are getting to the point where you resent matters, and are even hoping the  situation might end.

 

Frankly your husband has no right to have any expectations over your body and "The Talk" is really a form of coercion. Your feelings are at least as important as his.

 

By all means investigate and see if htere is a medical reason, see also if respite from the kids might make matters change, consider sex aids if you feel it is not an imposition.

 

Again make it his problem, to see if rather that demanding he woos.

 

There are many people with a libido of zero, it is not necessarily some sort of shortcoming rather it can be the way some people are built. Please do not feel alone wiht this.

 

Really looking after two kids and ensuring they are happy and thrive is a great accomplishment, and somthing you might like to realise, rather than blaming yourself for something out of your control.

 

Croix