Wanting to breakup but can’t

[Mintie_Marmalade]

Hey everyone, my first time using forums, and first time here!

I am currently in a relationship, I know that my boyfriend really cares for me and considers me, but i don’t really reciprocate those feelings back. (Why did i get into the relo then, you may ask?), it’ll become clear in the end.

Ever since i was little, I have seen my dad and mum work hard, not only did they move to an entirely new country to start fresh, they really had to start from the bottom and  work to get to a place where my sisters and I get opportunities for a comfier living. For that I will always be grateful. I will not deny however, that the concept of wealth and money has become a vital subject and “value(?)” within our family. 
In a nutshell, my boyfriend apparently comes from an extremely wealthy background. Yes, he smiles alot and was cheerful, so i got together with him. I will hold myself accountable and admit his “wealth” also served as something eye-catching. But over these past 5 months of dating, i have realised (which i should’ve to begin with), that money (yes, its important), but not everything. It really isn’t. I have been more unhappy/anxious, than happy and confident in this relo, despite having mutual conversations with my bf. When i brought up the fact that i didn’t really reciprocate feelings back, and that I really can’t envision a future with him where i am happy, my parents were not pleased and said if i break up, i will not find someone like him again (bc of how he likes me, and bc of his money). I told them that i really realised money isn’t the most important right? One’s wellbeing is! But my parents said I am actually worthless and the reason my mum has been buying alot of expensive, luxury items for me is to make me appear “in his league”. I feel mortified from my initial materialistic, selfish reason to be with him. Also, i do not know how to comprehend my parents’ outlook. I know they experienced financial hardship, they want their daughters to live a comfortable and yes, wealthier life of course, but I feel suffocated and almost pressured into continuing this relationship. They say when i talk with him on Saturday, i better act sweet and helpless to lure him in me. If i chose to end the relo, they will no longer support or lookout for me in the future. I will have a hard time dating not just him, but any guys. 
sorry for the long message, i just needed to express my thoughts. 
Have a nice and safe day

[smallwolf]

hello and welcome.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. It sounds like you're going through a lot at the moment.

It's totally normal to explore relationships and be curious about different people. Sometimes, we might find ourselves attracted to certain qualities, like wealth, especially if we've grown up valuing financial stability due to our family's experiences. At the same time,. you are right in that money isn't everything.

It's understandable that your parents want the best for you. It sounds as though their outlook might be influenced by their own experiences and desires. And this has had a side-effect in your relationship, and feeling suffocated or pressured to continue a relationship? What you truly want for yourself? Trust your instincts.

Realizing that you don't reciprocate the same feelings for your boyfriend can be tough. It's okay to have a change of heart and to prioritize what truly makes you happy. Relationships should be based on mutual feelings and genuine connection.

A thought ... take some time to reflect on what you truly want in a relationship. Be honest with your boyfriend about your feelings, open communication is essential in any relationship.

ps. long posts are oK 🙂

[tranzcrybe]

You seem to be the sensible one here, thankfully, and the shock of seeing yourself in their words has sent you a timely wake up call.
However, my skeptical side thinks that if you were to date anyone of lesser financial merit, then that might lead your parents to thinking they will become the target for funding your future - sounds quite sinister when there is an ulterior motive, huh?
No, you are worth more than all that. Live your life and write your own book with the person who moves you.

[therising]

Hi Mintie_Marmalade

As you become more conscious of wanting the kind of life that really makes your soul sing, waking up to what doesn't has obviously presented you with a number of challenges. Btw, when I was younger I always imagined becoming more conscious or more enlightened was some beautiful happy zen-like thing. I've found along the way that becoming more conscious can be deeply challenging, often due to conflict with those who see and dictate life differently. Walking your own path is a courageous thing. 

Do you think you could develop new interests with your partner, growing/evolving the relationship into something that's more joyful and exciting for the both of you? If he can afford to fund such a soulful and exciting investment, that could be one way of seeing the way forward. On the other hand, if there's simply no sense of connection, based on you both having completely different natures (with him refusing to change), you could ask yourself 'Who am I truly looking to make a connection with?'. Maybe someone who laughs a lot and leads you to laugh, someone who pushes you to find and bring out the best in yourself, someone who has a more soulful or excitement seeking nature while also having a good sense of responsibility etc. The question then becomes 'Can I live without someone like that in my life? Would life become somewhat depressing, over time, without a partner like that?'.

While my kids have challenged me over the years when it comes to figuring out ways to help them manage certain challenges, I've learned to wonder more and exercise my imagination in ways that have led me to see solutions more clearly for them. Even if it's out of sheer curiosity, you could challenge your parents to imagine what a happier relationship with your partner would look like and see what they come up with. If they can't come up with a single thing that could work or even if they say 'That's for you to work out, that's not our problem', then you could say 'If you can't come up with a single reason other than money, then you have not met the challenge'. I admit it's a bit cheeky, putting the ball in their court, but if they want the relationship to work they gotta put the effort into seeing all the ways in which it can happily work for everyone. If they exercise their imagination in seriously impressive and exciting ways that just blow your mind, it could end up being the best relationship you've ever had.

Us parents can say some highly questionable things at times. I wouldn't waste time questioning your value. Your growing insight is valuable. Your sensitivity to feeling what is a soulful connection to life and what is not is valuable. Your compulsion to question is valuable. So much about you is amazing. You are the absolute opposite of worthless and don't let anyone tell you otherwise 😊

[Earth Girl]

Hi Mintie_Marmalade,

I'm so sorry your parents treat you like this! Just because they work hard to give you shelter and food in your mouth (and look upper class - which matters to them anyway), it doesn't give them the right to bully you like this! I think what they are doing is actually abusive. They are making you feel bad for not wanting to be stay in a relationship with someone and the reason why they don't want you to break up is even more bizarre. I think you should talk to someone like a help line and let them know that you think your parents are abusing you and tell them everything you said here.

I am shocked that your parents say they will abandon you if you break up with him. It's YOUR life, it's YOUR happiness that is on the line. They aren't really doing this whole "We make you look like you're in his league" thing for you, they are doing it for THEMSELVES.

After you have talked to the helpline or whoever it is you choose to call and get professional help for this (a school counselor is another good person to talk to) and they are able to fix the situation you have with your parents, then I think would be the best time to break up with him. You could just say that you still like and care about him and you like how happy and nice he is, but you feel you have grown out your relationship with him and wish him the best.

I'm not sure what the counselor will do about this, but your parents may have to get reported.