Relationship and family issues

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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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white knight Family planning anxiety/IVF
  • replies: 12

Hi all, I’d like to open up a discussion on family planning as being a baby boomer I’m concerned for the mental health of potential parents that decide to delay having children until around 38-40yo. Such decisions is now commonplace. Prior to say 199... View more

Hi all, I’d like to open up a discussion on family planning as being a baby boomer I’m concerned for the mental health of potential parents that decide to delay having children until around 38-40yo. Such decisions is now commonplace. Prior to say 1995 we married under 25yo, had kids, then in our 40’s/early 50’s we toured the world ... now it’s the reverse. My daughter 31yo highlighted this recently, her husband is just finishing his doctorate at uni and rather than get a high paying job they want to tour the world and rent rather than buy. They plan to have kids...”one day”. My only solid concern with this new age plan is that we grew up knowing a/ the greater chance of complications giving birth late b/ the rush to get pregnant with much lower number of cycles left to do so/ the latter must add to anxiety. There is other ramifications- you are much less likely to want to play with your kids when older (subjective), you’re not as close in age to your children and so on. So what is the benefits of having kids later? Have you experienced anxiety and/or had to endure IVF? Do you have regrets in leaving the process too late? Did you have a safety plan for your anxiety and was it implemented? Admittedly it isn’t logical in my eyes to leave the process late, but I do come from a different era so am wanting to be open minded. TonyWK

1Peace Overwhelmed
  • replies: 4

Hello, not sure if this the right spot to post this so fingers crossed. Ive been unhappy for several years. My marriage has broken down and I have no wish to repair this relationship. I have been increasingly angry the past 12 months which is affecti... View more

Hello, not sure if this the right spot to post this so fingers crossed. Ive been unhappy for several years. My marriage has broken down and I have no wish to repair this relationship. I have been increasingly angry the past 12 months which is affecting all parts of my life including my relationship with my two sons, 5 and 9. On top of this I fell in love with a co worker who expressed similar feelings but recently stopped all contact to persue a relationship with another man. I feel lost and like there is no clear way forward. There are daily arguments at home and haven't slept well in years. Feels like my head is full of cotton wool. I worry constantly about the kids and don't seem to have any control over my own life. I have started seeing a counselor but only one session so far. Not really sure why I am posting this, perhaps just to get it out of my head and into the real world.

Jodie96 Husband working away, young children
  • replies: 1

How do you cope with your husband/partner working away. I have depression and separation anxiety. My husband has just started a new job where he is away quite a bit and I’m finding it really hard. We have a 16 month old and 4 week old and I just miss... View more

How do you cope with your husband/partner working away. I have depression and separation anxiety. My husband has just started a new job where he is away quite a bit and I’m finding it really hard. We have a 16 month old and 4 week old and I just miss him so much. I become so depressed when he leaves. We live over half an hour away from any family so it’s hard to visit or have visitors.

Justjosh My wife is an alcoholic
  • replies: 17

Hello everyone. This is my first post. My wife is an alcoholic. In her eyes she is fully functional. She works full time and rarely misses work. She drinks every night. Normally half a bottle of vodka and slips in a few wines too. By 8:30 she’s drunk... View more

Hello everyone. This is my first post. My wife is an alcoholic. In her eyes she is fully functional. She works full time and rarely misses work. She drinks every night. Normally half a bottle of vodka and slips in a few wines too. By 8:30 she’s drunk as a skunk. She’s 40 years old with 3 children of her own and two of mine. We have shared care of all the kids. When she becomes drunk I put the kids to bed etc. if I challenge her when she’s drunk I become the bad person. If I challenge her the next day she can’t remember and brushes it off. She has been to rehab a few years ago and really enjoyed it. And starting drinking as soon as she got out. Anyone out there been through this and has any advice? When she is sober she is a great person. When she is drunk she is not ! I love her and our kids. How do I make her realise what she is doing is wrong without causing an argument?

day1startsnow day one begins today
  • replies: 7

Hello to all you beautiful people I hope that I have posted this in the correct spot. I had been dating someone for 6 months, until this morning. When we first me (reconnected from high school 12 years later on a dating app), I was impressed that som... View more

Hello to all you beautiful people I hope that I have posted this in the correct spot. I had been dating someone for 6 months, until this morning. When we first me (reconnected from high school 12 years later on a dating app), I was impressed that someone so kind was interested in me. I was single for the last 12 months until I met my now ex boyfriend. after 2 weeks of dating, he told me he loved me, I was a bit surprised but felt so lucky to finally have my luck changed. Things were great -we would go out for lunches, watch movies together between houses and go for hikes, we seemed to have alot in common. at around the 6 week mark he asked about engagement, living together etc. I said I am flattered but I like to have a few months to get to know a partner before making large commitments as it puts pressure on the relationship. he seemed fine with this, but would bring it up intermittently, again I would reiterate I am enjoying our time together but am open to the idea later in the year. we spent alot of time together, until 4-5 weeks ago he sent me a text saying he will not be able to spend much time with me unless its at his house as he has commitments closer to his house. I understood and said I support him in being closer to help his sister move house.He began to make comments about a friend of mine re: her appearance but said he was not interested in her. the communication gradually wore down though, and I was being given the silent treatment every 2-3 days for roughly 2 days at a time. The future planning stopped whenever I asked to make plans to watch a movie together etc and was greeted with hostility. I felt like all I could do was appologise when he would ignore me in case I had done something, but he would not acknowledge it or talk to me in person about our communication issues. this morning I woke up to a text message breaking up with me. I have a history of anxiety and have excellent supports in place, but I just feel so confused by the lack of respect and sudden communication changes.

AlecA Advice needed, again. :(
  • replies: 4

Hi all, I have posted about this before, but that was roughly 2 weeks ago. Here's my first post about this: A person in my friend group is verbally harassing me and my friends (I also posted an update to some of your questions on that page which I th... View more

Hi all, I have posted about this before, but that was roughly 2 weeks ago. Here's my first post about this: A person in my friend group is verbally harassing me and my friends (I also posted an update to some of your questions on that page which I think may help understand what is happening) Since then, things have stayed quite quiet, because we are all on school holidays. But last Wednesday evening I'm playing with my friends when he joins my online game (keep in mind this game has online chat), he stays quite quiet until he started to try and tick me off, I obviously ignored him (because I didn't want a repeat of what happened last year and also my dad said I should ignore him) and it worked for a little while, until he started to just go at complete strangers. All 3 of us tried to ask him to stop but he ignored us, he then turned his attention to one of my friends who didn't want to get involved so just stayed quiet and kept playing the game, he started to comment about things I don't want to discuss here because its quiet personal to him. Fast forward a few minutes then he starts accusing my friend, calling him a liar and a bully because "He didn't want to tell him his actual name", amongst other things. He eventually ended his little rant at my friend and turned his attention back to me. He started to tell everyone (even strangers) that "(me) is trying to get me in-trouble with my year-coordinator because I did nothing" and "He is bullying me and he calls me (insert not nice words here)" then he leaves. School starts on Wednesday, I can't keep thinking about what I'm going to do. I can't stop thinking about what new insults/ways he'll try and abuse us verbally. I'm still going to try and stay right away from him, but it also means staying away from my friends. Win loose, right? I dunno. I'm currently not in anyway shape to stand up and support my friends anymore, this is draining my emotions and feeling away and there is virtually nothing I can do. I'm very close to all my friends, when I see him verbally abusing some of them (even in small ways) it always hurts me, and my friends feel like they can't do anything. Like currently as I write this I'm shaking a lot and I don't know why, it is always when I have to mention anything to do with this person. Anyways, so after the first time I posted about this I just had a full blown breakdown in front of my dad. I'm not looking forward to going back to school knowing my current state. Thanks, Alec

Mr K How do I ask my narcissistic Ex to use a more respectful tone in written and verbal communications?
  • replies: 6

I'm divorced with 50/50 care of my kids. Finances have been settled so the ongoing tension feels utterly unnecessary. My Ex-wife still uses very blunt and directive language, all telling never asking. I have no desire to be best friends with my Ex bu... View more

I'm divorced with 50/50 care of my kids. Finances have been settled so the ongoing tension feels utterly unnecessary. My Ex-wife still uses very blunt and directive language, all telling never asking. I have no desire to be best friends with my Ex but for the sake of our children, I do wish we could communicate without the nastiness or in a way that feels like life is a constant competition. I want to know if it is worth writing to her and if so, what are some strategies I can use? Thank you community. K

Erin1 Stunned! Husband of 38 years said he wants out
  • replies: 12

I’ve been married 38 years and about a year ago my husband told me that he doesn’t have feelings for me anymore - says he doesn’t love me. No explanation. I was stunned. Absolutely blind-sided. He has never been one to talk about emotions. He is very... View more

I’ve been married 38 years and about a year ago my husband told me that he doesn’t have feelings for me anymore - says he doesn’t love me. No explanation. I was stunned. Absolutely blind-sided. He has never been one to talk about emotions. He is very formal - even with me. He’s very polite - most of the time but if he gets annoyed with me (over minor things) then I get the silent treatment and the frowns. He mostly won’t talk about why he wants to end our marriage. He said he’s been unhappy for a while - though he has never said anything to me. When I ask him ‘why’, he usually says he don’t want to talk about it or he talks vaguely, saying “our paths have diverged” but won’t elaborate when I ask for details. We have done everything together so his comment makes no sense. He has never indicated that anything was wrong. He insists there is no one else. He said I’m not loving enough (he hasn’t said that before). I told him that I didn’t want to separate and suggested counselling so we can work things through. He (very reluctantly) agreed to go but didn’t get involved or open up much or follow any advice. He’s now said that he tried to make it work. He says that he doesn’t know why he wants out. If that’s true, then I don’t understand. If that’s not true then I don’t understand why he won’t tell me. I don’t see any indications of depression and I’ve tried talking about to him about that but he says he’s not depressed. Our grown-up children are shocked too. They have tried to talk to him but he won’t open up to them either. He has accused me of turning them against him - which isn’t true as I have encouraged them to stay in contact. They are adults and form their own opinion. They’ve told him that although they are upset, sad and hurt, they still love him - so don’t know why I’m being accused of turning them against him. Our very close friends have tried to talk to him but he won’t discuss anything. He has always done things his way and regularly criticised me for minor things and was a controlling person generally and whilst I won’t miss that, it’s hard being on my own after so long together. I miss what we had. I’ve had to accept the situation and we’ve now sold our house and separated. I don’t understand how I got to be in this situation without any warning. I’ve struggled a lot over the past year but am mostly okay now but still on a roller-coaster of emotions. Just wondering if this is what others have experienced and how you’ve coped.

contrarymary How to become in social activities in a group of people you don't know
  • replies: 5

I am in my 60s and been retired for a few years. i have joined a couple of organisation for people of similar age, but I just don't seem to fit in, they all seem to be already in groups and I am finding it hard to mix. the organisations do outings, t... View more

I am in my 60s and been retired for a few years. i have joined a couple of organisation for people of similar age, but I just don't seem to fit in, they all seem to be already in groups and I am finding it hard to mix. the organisations do outings, talks, lunches etc but I always seem to be the odd one out, eg on last bus tour I sat myself or I tried to join a table for lunch they said they were waiting for someone but no one appeared i am one of those people who doesn't really talk about their personal life to people they don't know ie I don't give my life history to someone I don't know. i was involved in 1 organisation on the committee for 6 years but still felt left out as others always seemed to get on better i have a problem telling everyone my life story till I know them well it stems from childhood my father was a soldier and was a way a lot and we were always told tell people nothing about what he or family did. i want to become involved in social activities.

Leth My younger brother has gone to jail, and I'm struggling to hold it together
  • replies: 182

I was referred to the beyondblue website to read a thread about a mum and her pain that she was going through after her son had gone to jail. It's crazy, because when I was reading it, I could very much see the same pain my mother is currently feelin... View more

I was referred to the beyondblue website to read a thread about a mum and her pain that she was going through after her son had gone to jail. It's crazy, because when I was reading it, I could very much see the same pain my mother is currently feeling. I needed to come here and put out how I'm feeling about the whole situation as well, from an older brothers point of view, but to be honest, I don't even know where to start. My brother, with the biggest warmest heart, with physical and mental heath issues, developed an ice addiction, he neglected his health and in the last year, my mum and I have done nothing but tried our damn hardest to help him, both professionally, personally, financially, the whole lot. He got himself into a fair bit of trouble about a year ago, and in lead up to his sentence, his smoking of ice increased, as did his lies, and everything was spiralling out of control for him and everyone around him. I left my well payed job to be more closer to my mum and brother in need. The whole process has been so stressful, and it's been so hard to now see my brother get taken away. He's such a vulnerable person, a "gentle giant", who without pointing the figure, influenced to trying ice, became hooked and majorly lost his way. His bedroom became his haven, he never left it, and my poor mother who became so submissive to his behaviour, did her best to care for him while he was in the darkest time in his life. I'm feeling fragile. I'm finding myself withdrawing. Having a hard time sleeping, and when I do, I instantly wake up with a cracking head ache. I start crying at unpredictable times, I've somewhat distanced myself from my boyfriend, I have my mum staying with me until she's going to be ok living alone. My brother has left behind some financial stress, and I'm left to now collect the pieces, to cancel his accounts, and to work out a ways to pay back all these "Afterpay" type transactions he's made over the last several months on top if fine reminders in the mail. The whole thing is just hard, but there's that glimmer that this is perhaps that divine intervention that he's needed, as nothing I or my mum did worked. I've been seeing an amazing psychologist for since this all began about a year ago, my GP has suggested I get on anti depressants which I'm almost contemplating. Are there any other siblings out there who's maybe been in my shoes who might be able to give me some advice? I'd appreciate it immensely.