Advice please

[Molly91]

Hello everyone,  I'm very new to this..

My partner and I are an extremely close couple , very similar and we enjoy nothing more than to spend time with each other and our beautiful animals.

I first met him through work and we instantly hit it off. 

I knew he was seperated but he told me they were going to be divorced and was only a matter of time as he wanted to progress in life with me and have a future.

Fast forward 2 years and I'm still asking him when... I get excuse after excuse and he even gets defensive about it , saying "it's between us" and  "it doesn't have anything to do with you" ect. 

95% of the time, we couldn't be happier. Genuinely happy. But I feel that it does have something to do with me as I am meant to be in his picture. He talks about her all the time, still has contact, sends her birthday gifts and gives her staff discount. To top it off, he hides me from her. He has told me all this.

I really don't know what to do. I have voiced my feelings now for 2 years and not even a tiny bit of action to get divorced or the ball rolling. I feel worthless and at the bottom of his priority list. She cheated on him and he defensive of her. They've been seperated nearly as long as they were married.

We were meant to be moving into our first home together but I feel completely uncomfortable with that idea as her presence is too strong and involved.

I need advice, I love him but I can't stick around to be disrespected. I'm a simple person and don't ask for much,I simply wanted him to put our future before his past, but he won't.

[Croix]

Dear Molly91~

Welcome here to the Forum. It can be a good place to get other people's views, particularly if the have been in similar situations.

Please excuse me for being blunt, I think you should have the facts (as I see them of course).

At the moment you are accepting second best, and deserve better. To go into a long term partnership with anyone both peole have to take care of the other, cherish and love them and be honest with them

Your friend is not doing that, having lead you on with stories of getting a divorce that is no longer looking at all likely. In fact he seem to act as if his wife is more imortant than you, even going to the extent of hiding you from her. Add to that he talks about her all the time, plus says it is nothing to do with oyu - which is cruel rubbish

Feeling worthless and at the bottom of his priority list is a pretty big indicator you are not being loved and cherished, in fact may be more of a convenience.

I'm sorry to sound so negative however it is not unusual for separated couple to get back together, or one of them not let go, and in the meantime any new relationship suffers and can be discarded.

What do you think you would like to do? Do you think if you insisted for the relationship to continue he had to file for divorce strait away?  I realise if things did not turn out well it will be difficult at work

Please let us know what you think

Croix

[Molly91]

Thank you so much for your reply, it's very much appreciated. 

The hard part for me is that he does cherish me, opens car doors, brings me flowers and 95% of the time we are extremely right for one another.

I feel very much in the shadow of his ex and I am torn. I haven't been happier with anyone before but this is taking its toll. 2 years I have only asked for one thing, for him to get a divorce. In hindsight I should've waited.

He is a very complex person ,a very good person. But he also takes his time with things.... hr long talks to strangers about a topic ect.

I function very differently, I am a high speed multitasker so I'm worried I am at fault here as I have never been in his position. Never been married or made a priority. I just don't know what to do.

[Molly91]

If he files for divorce now, I will always know that I had to push for it. 

I wish I was important enough to be made his priority. I'll always know that I wasn't.

[sashamentalhealth]

Hi Molly, 

i have read your first post and your latest post as well.

i know it can be very hard to see the negative sides of a person when you love them dearly. however, i do see a pattern of disrespect for you, your relationship, and the boundaries you have set. i definitely think that its not your fault as what you're asking for is very reasonable considering that the both of you have made the commitment to be in each other's lives. the very least he could do is to respect you as a partner. 

i have never been in your position, so i apologise if this advice is not as helpful as you'd like it to be. however, if i were to be in your position, i would ask him to make a choice between myself and his ex. if it does not turn out the way you hoped, i think it would be a sign that you've dodged a bullet and would save you the trouble of having to beg further into the future. 

[tranzcrybe]

That is a very astute observation even if coming from your negativity about the prospects of any future you desire together. The shadow of 'the other woman' will always hover over you if deemed a condition of your relationship.
Partner sounds like a sensitive and caring person, hence still carrying some feeling for his role in the tribulations of his failed marriage (which is also very considerate and valid as it is rarely all one sided).
Out of respect for his quandary, and as a sign of the love you have, how would you feel about expressing your intention to step out of the relationship until things are finalised? Paying careful attention to his response may prove enlightening as it is actually you who possesses the key to both the problem and the solution.
Your not quitting on him and it's not an ultimatum of 'me or her', just providing the space he needs along with some incentive to resolve this in pursuit of what he truly desires. Presently you are simply making it too easy to have both.
In other words, it won't be up to you force the outcome and he can arrive at whatever conclusion he needs.
Naturally, this carries some risk and will challenge your faith in the partnership, but that's what true love demands - whatever prevails, you will have clarity without a word being spoken.

[therising]

Hi Molly

I have to say you're a tolerant person when it comes to this business of divorce. I think it's one thing if a separated couple don't have their partners pushing for such a thing but it's altogether different when a partner or partners are pushing for progress and legal separation for a number of reasons. Maybe you could bring up the idea with your guy that you don't want to invest in a house with him as long as his wife could still possibly have some legal rights (in divorce proceedings) to a portion of any property he owns, including part of the property he will own with you. With the idea that things could get messy I'd be saying, if it was me, 'If you're going to put me in a difficult situation as we move forward, I gotta seriously question that. Is not getting a divorce a matter of 1)lack of funds, 2)laziness or 3)because you have an agenda? Be completely honest with me and yourself and stop wasting my time with excuses'. I know, sounds a bit harsh but it's definitely straight to the point.

Can recall saying to my husband before we were married (just over 21 years ago) 'Decide whether you want to make a solid commitment or not. Don't wast my time if that's not your plan'. The rest is history 🙂. Btw, my husband's always been the kind of guy who doesn't like to deal with forms of change that really challenge him. Not sure if your guy's the same. The problem with this way of living is...when your partner's not changing and facing constructive challenges in the way of moving forward, you end up adapting to no changes, while feeling yourself standing still (which can become a depressing challenge in some cases). You shouldn't have to wait and stand still for them.

[smallwolf]

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this challenging situation. I imagine it must be incredibly tough to love someone but feel stuck in this uncertainty. Your feelings are valid, and it's completely understandable that you'd want to prioritize your own well-being and happiness. And feeling like you're not a priority can be very hurtful.

My own thoughts here are ...

you deserve to be with someone who values and respects you, and who actively works towards building a future together. If you've already expressed your concerns and nothing has changed, it might be necessary to have a serious conversation with your partner about your feelings and what you need from the relationship.

You deserve to be happy and have a partner who is fully committed to you and your future together. I wonder if there are people you trust that you can talk to about this and get their advice?

[Molly91]

Thank you very much for your message. 

I have had conversations with him many times over the 2 years about how I feel but he gets really defensive and makes constant excuses. I feel very much in her shadow ,even though he says this is me over thinking every thing. I don't feel like it is, I just don't want to live in his past, I wanted a fresh future.

Unfortunately, no. I don't have anyone to talk to, that's why I reached out on this platform. My Mum isn't well and I didn't want to stress her more. My dog isn't very talkative, but he gives great hugs.

[Molly91]

Thank you for all your very sound advice. It's greatly appreciated.

I have had countless conversations with him about how I feel and still no change. 

I saw him two days ago and unfortunately my emotions exploded and was in tears the whole time. I just can't believe I have to beg him for a divorce. 

He is a very kind person,almost too kind.

His wife cheated on him and he still has her on his pedestal.

I know he takes this slowly and i run at a thousand miles an hour but 2 years (plus the 3 years before me) is a long time to not get a divorce.

I just don't know where I stand. He says he wants a future but I don't want to live with a married man ,in a house full of his spouses old furniture. Am I just too sheltered? Am I over thinking this? 

He says I am making a big deal out of nothing and it's more important for women ,the idea of marriage. Ect

It was a make or break conversation the other night. I hate crying infront of people, I usually am upset in the privacy of my car. But I just can't help it anymore. 

My life is stressful enough, without all this happening as well.

I'm happy that you have a happy marriage.

I just wish I was valued once in my life.