Advice please

[Molly91]

Hello everyone,  I'm very new to this..

My partner and I are an extremely close couple , very similar and we enjoy nothing more than to spend time with each other and our beautiful animals.

I first met him through work and we instantly hit it off. 

I knew he was seperated but he told me they were going to be divorced and was only a matter of time as he wanted to progress in life with me and have a future.

Fast forward 2 years and I'm still asking him when... I get excuse after excuse and he even gets defensive about it , saying "it's between us" and  "it doesn't have anything to do with you" ect. 

95% of the time, we couldn't be happier. Genuinely happy. But I feel that it does have something to do with me as I am meant to be in his picture. He talks about her all the time, still has contact, sends her birthday gifts and gives her staff discount. To top it off, he hides me from her. He has told me all this.

I really don't know what to do. I have voiced my feelings now for 2 years and not even a tiny bit of action to get divorced or the ball rolling. I feel worthless and at the bottom of his priority list. She cheated on him and he defensive of her. They've been seperated nearly as long as they were married.

We were meant to be moving into our first home together but I feel completely uncomfortable with that idea as her presence is too strong and involved.

I need advice, I love him but I can't stick around to be disrespected. I'm a simple person and don't ask for much,I simply wanted him to put our future before his past, but he won't.

[Molly91]

Thank you for your message. It's very much appreciated.

Yes he is an extremely kind person, almost too kind. 

His wife cheated on him and he still has her on his pedestal kind of kind.

I'm a very simple person, I have only ever asked him for one thing. To get divorced.

I wish in hindsight that I waited to be involved in his life, maybe then he would've done something sooner.

I had a make or break conversation with him the other night. I was in tears like an idiot the whole time. 

It didn't go well and he ended up leaving after some time. He was upset too ,saying he didn't know what was happening. I have asked him for two years to please sort out the divorce and nothing. 

I have told him every step of the way but it appears that he hasn't listened.

He went home (4hr drive) and I stayed at my Mums place , where I will be staying.

The next day , after I made contact, he apologised and said he will be taking the time to better himself in my eyes , after I said I will be stepping back for my well being. 

I am overwhelmed with guilt now. Have I done the wrong thing? Am I over thinking this? 

He says I am overthinking this and making it a big deal but for me , it is a big deal 

[Molly91]

Thank you very much for your opinion and advice, it's very helpful and appreciated.

I am known to tolerate alot of crap in my life, but genuinely thought he was different. He is a wonderful person but boundaries are very much not being respected here. This is the only boundaries I have had to set with him ,because every other thing has been great. I've only ever asked him for this one thing but nothing, he has nearly been separated as long as he was (is) married. Separated for 4.5 yrs ,married for 6). She cheated on him and he still praises her and hides me.

He says I'm over thinking things but honestly, I don't think I am. I don't want to live with a married man in our "home" full of his spouses furniture. Am I wrong ? Am I being insensitive ? 

I had a make or break conversation with him two days ago. I cried the whole time like an idiot. After a while he left to go home and I stayed at my Mums place. The next day I contacted him and said I am stepping back for my well being. He apologised and said he will take the time to hopefully better himself in my eyes. 

I am now overwhelmed with guilt. What's wrong with me.

[Croix]

Dear Molly91~

You said "The hard part for me is that he does cherish me, opens car doors, brings me flowers and 95% of the time we are extremely right for one another."

Well I'm afraid these are the easy things, they can have a disproportionate amount of effect for the small effort and lack of commitment involved.

If he was to do the hard stuff, get a divorce, ask you what you wanted in the way of house and furniture and permanently disregard his ex then things would be different -sadly they are not.

Feeling guilty for simply wanting what you deserve - genuine affection which is more important than anything else to him - is natural for giving and loving person, but is misplaced, as is feeling small when treated badly.

Sorry not to bear better news

Croix

[tranzcrybe]

No doubt he is listening now and, while unpleasant to go through, it breaks the stalemate of inaction which has brought you to this hiatus.

A true relationship keeps no secrets and you have outlined honestly what is bothering you - and backed up your words with affirmative action.

Right now, you are sacrificing what you want in order to achieve what you need.

Have faith in yourself as more than worthy of his respect and adoration - if it is to be, you will know soon enough.

Naturally you will be feeling his pain (possibly more than your own) but commitment doesn't always mean giving in to the other if for the common objective.

Strong relationships must withstand any test for what one does for the other is the measure of devotion.

[Molly91]

Thank you, it's very helpful getting a different perspective. 

Do you think it's unreasonable for me to want him to cut contact with his ex? He believes so. 

If this was a normal situation, I wouldn't have an issue but I really do have an issue with it now. 

[Molly91]

Thank you for your helpful advice.

Day two of no contact with him and it's really getting hard on me. I believe what I did was the right thing to do but I can't help but feel overwhelmingly guilty.

[quirkywords]

Molly , 

what do you feel guilty about..

You can get ideas from others but it is your life . You didn’t sound very happy when you wrote the first post.

You are not alone and we are listening. Feel free to let us know how you are coping.

[tranzcrybe]

Maybe going 'no contact' is a bit extreme - you are stepping back, not out, and keeping the communication open and frank (if from a distance) shows concern while maintaining your stance.
Hearing what needs to be said can be constructive in reaching understanding - expressing how you feel ostracised and diminished when it comes to his marriage dissolution might open up some channels for you to find empathy for whatever struggles he is facing; but without being taken into his trust, you can only project your own doubts and fears (hence the guilt feeling), and such things can create a wedge between you.

[therising]

Hi Molly

I think everyone's situation is different when it comes to matters of divorce. When I think of my sister who separated from her husband about 9 years ago, it's only now that they're getting a divorce, due to her ex wanting it and being able to settle down with the woman he's now with, someone he's buying a house with. Up until now, they've simply been more than happy living apart. My own parents separated about 23 years ago, in their early 60s. They never got a divorce but they did get a legal separation. Both had no desire to ever seek out a partner after their marriage ended but they did want the law to recognise they were no longer together. So, I think it all depends what the objective is. Does divorce serve a purpose and, if so, what purpose does it serve?

In my opinion, I wouldn't say you're overthinking things. Understandably, you're giving it a lot of thought while also feeling a lot of emotions. It means a lot to you, that you're able to establish a life with a man who's no longer married. To me that sounds perfectly reasonable.

I've found when a lot of mixed emotions become a significant factor in a relationship, it can feel so tormenting: Love mixed with disappointment, mixed with moments of joy, excitement, self doubt, frustration etc etc. Can be like a tornado of emotions, gradually building in intensity. I've found one of the toughest emotions to manage is dismissiveness (from another). Can really get you in the heart at times. If you're supposedly 'making a big deal out of nothing (his marriage)' and 'marriage is more important for women' then, as a man, he should have no problem putting an end to something that means nothing to him on 2 counts. If you're feeling the longing for a fresh start in a new upcoming stage of your relationship, I wonder whether he feels it as a new stage or it simply feels like a continuation of your relationship. Fresh starts and new stages have such an exciting vibe or feel to them. Perhaps you're more of a feeler than he is, which may explain why you're desperate to feel the end of the marriage.